[FIC] Creep

Title: Creep
Characters: Yesung, Sungmin
Rating: G
Wordcount: 1.203
Summary: Sometimes Sungmin wonders why he knows this person..
A/N: Because Yeye making Min smile is underrated. (Not that that has anything to do with this story..)

- - - - -

Sungmin sighed as he looked up from his book to stare out the window. A pair of strangely sparkling eyes was only centimetres away from his. He managed to hold back a scream as he jerked his head away from them. A mocking chuckle sounded from the owner of the eyes. He felt his heartbeat calm down when he recognized the other. When did this guy get in? As his eyes flashed to the door, he noticed it was locked. And why would he lock the door?

“Why did you lock the door?”

“For the same reason everyone else does. I don’t want people to break in on my privacy.”

What?

“Then why am I still here?”

Again the mocking chuckle. He had come to hate the sound because it meant the other was up to no good. He let his eyes wander around the room. Exactly like he thought; there was nothing to use as an excuse to get up from the bed. He had already learned quite a while ago that the bed was a dangerous place to be when Yesung was up to no good. He could still clearly remember the time he had been taking a nap to wake up with his hand and feet tied together. There also was this time when his hyung had hid a spider under the blanket. He had screamed so loud even members from the twelfth floor had rushed down to see what was wrong. Gosh, this bed really wasn’t safe. Why did he still read books on it?

“Because this is your room as well, I guess.”

It took Sungmin a moment to realize the other was responding to his earlier question. Right. He gathered all his courage and looked down at his book again to go on reading. After a few minutes spent in total silence, he sighed and looked up again. The other hadn’t moved an inch, if he had not come closer even, and had kept staring at him.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Could you stop staring then?”

“But I like to look at you.”

Sigh.

“You also like to look at dust particles. Can’t you look at one of those now?”

“There is no sunlight, I can’t see them.”

With another sigh, Sungmin gave up the discussion and turned his eyes back to his book. It was some kind of corny romance story. He had started reading without caring about the plot or anything. As long as he could read it without having to think about it, he thought it good enough. Time passed and gradually, he started to forget about the other, as Yesung hadn’t moved anymore and the silence was never interrupted.

“She kissed him gently on his forehead, her hand resting on the hem of his jacket. As she closed her eyes, she moved her lips a little to the side, brushing them against his skin in another kiss. Like that, she made her way down the side of his face towards his mouth..”

A shock went through him as his hyung suddenly spoke, saying aloud the words he had been reading at that very moment. The sudden sound of the other’s voice had startled him and he turned to give Yesung a vicious look. Again the strangely sparkling eyes were terribly close. This time, he didn’t jerk away, but instead let go of his book with one hand to push the other away a little. Yesung, however, didn’t seem intimidated at all as he talked again, carefully putting a hand on Sungmin’s lower arm.

“Would you like that as well?”

Sungmin sighed and turned his face back to his book as he replied.

“What?”

Instead of hearing an explanation, he felt a soft hand on his cheek and his head was slowly turned to face his hyung. The two sparkling eyes finally moved away from his and a gentle kiss was pressed on his forehead. Only seconds later, another kiss landed a little more to the right. He felt the warm breath of the other brush against his skin. Before he could react, he received two more kisses, all a little next to the other. When he finally got over his shock, he let go of his book and pushed away the other as hard as he could with both hands.

“Ya!! Yesung!! Stop it!!”

He glared at his hyung with the best angry look he had, putting all of his annoyance into his expression. The other, again, was not intimidated. As he muttered some irritated words under his breath, he got up from the bed to walk to the door. The best strategy now was to just walk into the living room and have Yesung focus his attention on someone else. Ryeowook for example. Before he had reached his goal, however, he was grabbed by his wrist and pulled back. As he clashed into the other one’s unexpectedly muscular body, he felt the book slip out of his hand. A soft thud sounded up when it hit the floor.

“Hyung, what are you doing? Let go of me. I’m not into your silly games right now!”

“But what if this is not a game? What if this is real?”

Sungmin stared. Was Yesung gay? Right when he wanted to react, he again felt the soft lips of the other brush against his skin as two more kisses were pressed on his face. He cringed, trying to pull his head away from the older guy who was meanwhile starting to scare him. He was held tightly by the other, however, so even trying to pull away did not help. A kiss landed on his cheek and another one a little more to the left. With unbelieving shock, he realized Yesung was really planning to kiss him on the mouth in not too long of time. He gathered all the strength he could find in his small body and pulled his hands free, grabbing the other in some complex martial arts hold and catapulting him onto the bed.

“I said stop it!”

Furious, he bend down to pick up his book, unlocked the door and walked out, pulling the door closed behind him with a loud smash.

“Creep.” he muttered as he walked to the couch to continue his reading.

Yesung stayed behind in the room. A little smile appeared on his face and he turned to grab something from under the bed. For a while, he simply studied the magazine, but then he ticked off the right answer and scrabbled something on the colourful paper.

How to tell if your roommate is gay:
1. Does he/she like pink? Yes
2. Does he/she sleep in pyjamas instead of boxers? Yes
3. Does he/she check out people from the same sex? No
4. Does he/she act flirty towards people from the same sex? No
5. Does he/she have characteristics of someone from the other gender? Some
6. Does he/she like it when you imply sexual contact? No
7. Does he/she flirt back when you hit on him/her? Definitely no
Conclusion: Sungmin is not gay.

He read the lines once more, nodding a little to himself, before adding another part to the conclusion.

Or he’s just not into me..

[FIC] A Very Twitter Day

Title: A Very Twitter Day
Characters: Heechul, (Side) Shindong, Hangeng
Rating: G
Wordcount: 1.506
Summary: Heechul gets twitter for the first time.
A/N: Obviously written on the infamous day that Heechul got twitter and deleted it again after 12 hours. xD

- - - - -

Kim Heechul.
Super Junior’s number one Flower Boy.
Korea’s number one arrogance.
The world’s number one pretty face.
The great Kim Heechul.

But there was one thing Kim Heechul wasn’t so great at; computers. And let that be the exact thing he was working with right now. Or actually it wasn’t working.

He had gotten the idea from Shindong. (Well, Shindong had already suggested it a few times in the past, but it was only when Donghae and Sungmin had started talking about the wonders of it as well that he had decided he should get on too.) So now here he was. The great Kim Heechul. Lost in the unfamiliar world of Twitter that had been so wonderfully praised by his dongsaengs:

- Because it was an easy way to communicate with international fans.

Yah.. He could see that..
‘50 new tweets.’
‘120 new tweets.’
‘350 new tweets.’
‘1025 new tweets.’
More like a one-way communication with fans?
Besides.. Weren’t tweets the sounds birds made? So he was chirped at by a bunch of sparrows right now? What a flattering comparison for his petals..

- Because he could talk with other celebrities and show his friendship with them to the fans.

Sure.. But he first had to find these so-called other celebrities. Because, seriously.. Myblacksmile? Where did Sungmin think he was born? Africa?

- Because it was an easy way to give short updates to fans at all times, even by using your phone.

Of course! If he would know how to decently update to begin with..
Besides, what was he going to update with 140 characters? Maybe if he left out all the spaces, he’d be able to say half of what he really wanted to say..
Not going to happen.

So, Heechul decided to wait until he got home after schedules. Surely Shindong could be convinced (or bribed) to help him get a hang of it. Surely his dongsaeng would be that kind. Therefore, he decided he’d wait until then.

He continued his radio show, ignoring the still increasing amount of new tweets. Somewhere in the back of his head, he felt a rush of relief that he didn’t tick off the box for the ‘Receive a mail for every tweet you get.’-option.

After Youngstreet recording, Heechul set off to his next schedule, banning the Twitter situation out of his head. It was not until a lot of hours later that he was confronted with it again. He had come home and had opened his computer to check his Cyworld, when he had noticed his latest entry about Twitter again. Unable to ignore the slightly curious feeling, he clicked the link that lead him to his own Twitter profile.

‘21.769 followers’

Heechul’s eyes almost bulged out of his head when he noticed that. How long did he have this account now? Five hours? He went to check. Oh.. Okay.. Eleven and a bit. It was doable. A little afraid of what he was going to see, he clicked ‘Home.’ A long list of totally unknown people’s tweets was rolled out in front of his eyes. He scanned through them lightly.

@hee18 Heenim you are the best!
@hee18 Welcome to Twitter, Heechul oppa! ♥

Heechul wanted to close the site, realizing that he didn’t get a word from whatever the fans had written to him except for his name, but suddenly the green thing popped up again.

‘2 new tweets.’

He clicked on it, suspicious of what might happen. The messages slid down as two new ones appeared at the top. Heechul cursed his wannabe-English skills once again as he tried to read what people were saying to him. He sighed when it didn’t work out.

To heal his ruined pride a little, he decided to check some of the options by himself, since Shindong wasn’t home yet. Sungmin had schedules as well and there was no way in the name of every possible living thing that he was going to ask Donghae to teach him something. The boy would probably get a good laugh out of it and he’d end up still doing it by himself. For those reasons, Heechul started his discovering route through Twitter.

- Lists

So.. One could make a list.. Of what? Why? What would he do with lists? He wasn’t tidy enough to list everything.. Forget about it. Next!

- Followers

He had followers. Lots of them. People listening to him. Would they follow him into war? His eyes scanned the icons and he let his mouse linger on some to read the names.
pastakyu? Hahahaha! Oh, he was so going to tell the makn- Shisus_On_Crack!?
If silently laughing had been his goal, he had shot the ball in the total opposite direction, for he threw his head back and laughed out loud. Oh dear God that he didn’t believe in. That name was simply brilliant! As he scanned some more names, he realized that the names of his followers were so much cooler than his own. He decided that couldn’t be. He would have to change it.

- Name change

He was going to find it! For sure! He certainly wasn’t going to let this silly Twitter thing beat him. Him. The great Kim Heechul. No piece of technology, invented by human hands, was going to outsmart him! In the name of everything that can and cannot breathe, he was going to beat this piece of webpage senseless!

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click.

Suddenly some page full of English explanation appeared on his screen. He scanned the words without really reading and simply clicked the button he assumed was the ‘Ok, I read this crap, pass this useless screen and get me back to my normal Twitter’-button.

Click.

‘You have successfully deleted your Twitter account.’

SAY WHUT!?

He stared at his screen for a good ten minutes, before finally snapping out of the trance he was in and quickly returning to the previous page, hoping against all better knowing that he would be able to undo what he had just done. But no. Of course not. Life wasn’t that easy to him. His account was gone. Really gone. The nearly twenty-two thousand followers he had would all realize that sooner or later. He had to take action before they did.

But what could he do? He could certainly not tell the members. They would get an even bigger laugh out of this than if he would tell them he was going to wear his grandmother’s clothes for the rest of his life. The story of ‘Heechul who lost from Twitter’ was going to be spread around all Korea and people would point and laugh when they saw him. He couldn’t let that happen!

So, Heechul did the only thing he could do in his current situation.. He called Hangeng.

“Heechul?” the all too familiar, surprised voice of his friend came through the speaker, the moment the other picked up. Heechul didn’t have time for reasons for calling and introductions, though.

“Hannie! You have to help me!” he exclaimed a little panicky. “I made a twitter account but now I accidentally deleted it. I can’t tell anyone because they will laugh at me like crazy. What should I do? Find a way to fix it! I can’t let my image be ruined by this!”

“Heechul-ah.. I have no time for this. I have to go for schedule. You’ll figure out a way to fix it.”

“What? But Hannie, I n-”

Beep. Beep. Beep.

What the..? That chinese brat! Did he think being in China meant he did not have to show respect to his hyungs anymore? Heechul dialled the number again and patiently waited for the other to pick up.

“Chullie, I told you I h-” Hangeng started, but he didn’t let him finish.

“I don’t even want your help anymore!” he called out into the speaker, before ending the call. There. He had that coming. And that calls himself a friend. Yah, sure.

It was not a minute later that Heechul got a text. He flipped his phone open to look.

‘Just pretend you did it on purpose because that Twitter thing annoyed the hell out of you, Chul. Mianhe, but I really have an important appointment.’

Being the adult grown-up he is, Heechul decided not to reply to that text and just let that disrespectful piece of fried rice bake in his own oil. Fobbing off with him like that. No one rejected the great Kim Heechul. No one!

But his idea did sound very appealing..

That’s why minutes later, Heechul had opened up his Cyworld again to write a new entry in which he would voice his negative opinion about that Twitter thing towards his fans. At least this way, no one would find out about what really happened. He imagined soon, when the members read his entry, they would start convincing him to make a new account, anyway. He could immediately change his nickname in something better as well, then.

How about .. Heedictator?

Fic Challenge - 009; Coffee [4/100]

Title: Coffee
Characters: Eunhyuk/Donghae
Rating: G
Wordcount: 564
Summary: Donghae compares his life to coffee.
A/N: So very productive day. Took a break and wrote on paper, this rolled out in one go.

- - - - -

He sits at the breakfast table, being the first one up because of his stupid alarm clock that had been put ten minutes early by someone. Not that ten minutes was that long, but if he could choose to sleep or be awake, he had rather spent them sleeping. There’s a half empty cup in his hand, out of which a white damp swirls into the kitchen, spreading the rich aroma throughout the room. Coffee, he thinks, is a nice metaphor for his life.

There’s the raw core of it, the coffee itself; black, dark, bitter, like waking up to a bucket full of water being splashed in your face, with a pungent scent that penetrated your senses like stepping out into the freezing cold of winter in nothing but your pyjamas. It is much like his life, he figures, with its cold and dark centre, its lifeless and useless core.

But then there’s the sugar, which you choose to put in or not. It’s like friends, family, people who matter to you, people who make a difference. It comes in a package, a paper cover that’s effortlessly torn to spill the contents, but it’s there and you can easily choose whether to use it or leave it, whether to keep those people close or push them out of your life. He uses it. He likes his coffee a lot better with sugar, just like life is a lot better with his friends and family, with the people he holds dear. Sure, some of them might have dissipated in the dark core of life, but he still has many around. Enough to turn the bitter slightly more sweet.

And finally, there’s the milk. The soft-tasted milk added to coffee, he concluded a while ago, is very much like Hyukjae, a friend who soothes the worst stings of life, because the more milk you pour into your coffee, the less bad it tastes and the less much you notice the bitterness. It is much like what Hyukjae does to his life; add colour, happiness, sunshine, masking the crap that is his actual life. It’s like the way pouring milk into coffee makes the liquid turn, so Hyukjae stirs up his life. Just like how milk fills the cup, enriches the drink and makes the black turn a light-brown or even beige, so Hyukjae fills his life, brightens his days and brings smiles even at times when he thinks there is really nothing left to smile about.

Slowly, dangerously slowly, the days tick past and he sips the coffee of his life, sometimes too eager, so that he burns his tongue, sometimes too careful so that he hardly gets a taste of it; and even though he doesn’t always sip up some of the sugar, there’s always the soothing, neutral taste of the milk, easing his apprehension towards the drink.

He thinks, while the door bursts open and a hyperactive anchovy-boy basically jumps on top of him in a happy morning greeting, grabbing his own cup of strawberry milk afterwards and already babbling on and on like he didn’t just wake up two minutes ago, coffee should never be drunk without milk in it at all, just like he would never live without Hyukjae around either.

So he grabs the bottle of milk and pours the white liquid into his cup until it is full again

Fic Challenge - 034; Acceptance [3/100]

Title: Acceptance
Characters: Hankyung/Kibum
Rating: G
Wordcount: 1.179
Summary: It's four in the morning, but that doesn't keep him from calling.
A/N: Started two days before posting, finished on paper because I write better then.

- - - - -

He curses a few very dirty swearing words and almost throws his alarm clock off his night table in his struggle to find the ringing phone lying around somewhere on the thing. When his fingers finally touch the cold metal, he quickly grabs the phone and brings it closer to his face, squinting his eyes as he tries to see who’s calling. The number is set private, however, so he just presses the green button and puts the phone next to his ear, letting out another heartfelt curse as he does so.

“This better be important or you’ll be dead meat once I get up at a decent hour.” he grumbles into the receiver, intend on skinning the caller alive if he or she is calling for no reason at all. There’s a short silence on the other side, and he immediately suspects the person to just be playing a prank on him, but right before he can hang up again, someone finally speaks.

“Hyung..” It sounds, rather soft and it’s said in such a vulnerable way that the next insult dies in his throat, halfway getting out of his mouth. The voice is strangely familiar, but he can’t put a finger on it the first few seconds. It is when there’s a soft intake of breath on the other side that he suddenly realises who he’s talking to. He sits up in surprise and lets his mind repeat the one word spoken by the familiar voice over and over.

“Kibum..” he says, not really believing himself that it’s really his silent Korean friend, even though it’s unmistakeable. His thoughts drift back to the last time he talked to the guy and he realises that was a long time ago. Way too long, really, but what could either of them do about that? It had been out of both their hands -the decision to keep in contact or not- and with Kibum going back to the US for a while, calling had become an expensive joke anyway. Yet here he is, on the phone with Kibum, who he hasn’t talked to for months.

“I had to call you during the night.” the younger suddenly speaks, seemingly wanting to erase the bad mood, trying to apologise for waking him up without really apologising. “To make sure no one would know, to make sure it wouldn’t get you in trouble.” There is a short silence in which Hangeng tries hard to find the words to say ‘it’s okay’ and Kibum understands even with nothing but silence, because it’s Kibum and he has never needed a lot of words.

“So I heard you’re not going back anymore, hyung.” he then continues on a more casual note, obviously dismissing the previous subject of the conversation. There’s a slight crackle on the line that tells Hangeng the two of them are really far apart. He swallows, but knows there’s no denying this fact. After all; he IS never going to go back. Not to Super Junior and not to Korea. He doesn’t know if it’s his stupidity or the company’s, but he lost his chance to go back the moment he got on the plane back to China.

When he opens his mouth to speak, he is surprised himself at how easily the foreign but familiar language rolls out, albeit as nothing more than a whisper. “I’m sorry.” The silence that follows would be deafening if not for the never ending crackle. Slowly he finds himself remembering how easy it has always been - lapsing into silence while talking to Kibum. But he remembers more than just that. Like the many times he would be up late with the other sleeping against his shoulder or on his lap. He remembers so many little things that he and Kibum shared without anyone else ever knowing about them -not even Heechul- and despite it being four in the morning and having been called out of bed, he is completely awake still by the time the younger speaks again.

“I know.” There are so many emotions conveyed through the younger’s voice that Hangeng feels a lump rise in his throat, making him unable to speak. There’s sadness, most of all, because Kibum knows what the apology means and knows that it’s going to take a long time to adjust, but there’s also a tad bit of happiness for the other’s wellbeing, some understanding and some love, but in the end, he figures the bunch of emotions all bend down to one thing; acceptance. He suddenly realises that Kibum already knew the answer to the unasked question, but simply wanted to hear it from Hangeng himself. At a loss of what to reply to that, he merely waits on the next topic Kibum wants to bring up. He doesn’t need to wait long.

“Heechul..”

He feels his insides clench at the mention of that name and quickly speaks before Kibum can continue. “Will do fine. He’s a grown up man. He’ll survive.” But even as the words leave his mouth, he knows they’re not very true. Sure Heechul might cope, but there’s no way it’s going to happen without some many litres of alcohol involved. He closes his eyes and clenches his teeth, trying to bite the pain away. If anything, it’s going to be hard to keep his friends out of his thoughts to not feel guilty. “I trust you to take care of him, Bummie.” he then mumbles.

There’s a sigh on the other end and the silence spreads out a little longer, before Kibum’s slightly rough voice breaks through it once again. “I will. But call him, hyung. A lot.” It is then that Hangeng realises it is always the silent ones who know the most, but he doesn’t get time to express those thoughts into words as Kibum continues. “And sleep more, hyung. You sound like your still partly in dreamland.”

“Sleepy? At four thirty in the morning? How could that be?” he retorts, his voice layered with sarcasm and the obvious blame.

“What are you still doing up at this hour anyway? Go to sleep.” Kibum says, but there’s a joking tone in his voice, that sounds so light and feels so foreign to him, that he almost finds himself breaking down into tears in the middle of his bed. Yet he composes himself right in time to catch the “Goodnight” and the “Sweet dreams.” the other wishes him, and with that, the line is disconnected.

He stares at the phone in his hand until the light goes out and then he keeps staring, his mind wrapping itself around the idea that it might just as well be one of the very last conversations he’ll have with the younger one for a while. After a while, he pushes away the images of past days, happier days, and finally settles himself back onto the mattress, letting his head sink away in the feathery pillows. It was, but it isn’t anymore, and all he can do is accept that fact, because there’s no going back.

Fic Challenge - 095; Drowning [2/100]

Title: Drowning
Characters: Eunhyuk/Donghae
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 888
Summary: Hyukjae finds it hard to tie the ends together and Donghae is still trying to keep himself a whole, but it's each other they really need.
A/N: A product of too much Eunhae fics and one sentence that I couldn't get out of my head anymore.

- - - - -

It was easy to love in those two hours they had after dinner, right before going to sleep, huddled up on the couch in front of the television, or in the early crooks of morning, when he didn’t want to leave just yet and would use anything to procrastinate his departure, cuddling up against the other and sharing butterfly kisses until he really had to leave if he didn’t want to miss his bus.

It was easy to always smile when those eyes like dark brown pools filled with love captured his own, never breaking the contact while all around them people were busily talking and conversing, until he would excuse himself to whoever was standing with him and walk up to the other to talk and feel and desire until the outside world was nothing more than a long forgotten memory and they couldn’t wait to go home to express their feelings through actions.

It was easy to never want to leave when they were a bunch of tangled limbs, sprawled all over the bed in the middle of the night, and it felt like there was nothing better in life than being so close, hands roaming places they would never touch in public, lips pressing against soft skin in signs of appreciation and love, while sometimes whispering those sweet nothings to each other in a desperate attempt of putting their feelings into words.

Those were the times when the whispered ‘I love you’s and the ‘We’ll always be together’s came without effort, slipping through their parted mouths as smoothly as the occasional lick of dry lips, while their fingers traced jaw lines and messy hair until they knew every pattern by heart.

But times are only times and he had very soon discovered that loving wasn’t always that easy and plain sailing, and it got a lot harder to love when he woke up at three in the morning, only having had an hour of sleep and trying to catch the remaining two as well, just to find the other shaking his shoulder, needing a hug, needing a reassurance that things were going to be okay and the monsters of the past would soon stop haunting nightmares.

It got a lot harder to always smile when the hot water and electricity got cut off because there were bills to pay and rent that was months behind, yet all the other would do was smile, say it would be alright over time and give him a hug, when all he really wanted to hear was that the other had found a job and things would take a turn for the better soon.

It got a lot harder to never want to leave when he came home at four PM only to find the other still in bed, with none of the house chores done and a pile of dishes that almost filled the whole square meter they called kitchen waiting for him as if laughing at the fact that he trusted the other to actually fulfil the constantly made promises of cleaning and working and actually helping out.

At such times, he had to stop himself from lashing out at the other, had to swallow back the anger and smile, because shouting wouldn’t solve anything and it wouldn’t do to hurt the other over and over again, even though the idea of stepping out of the door and never coming back started to sound more attractive with every passing day.

Yet in the end, he protested against himself, it were rough times, and rough times always came with depressions here and there, but as they washed dishes together, getting foam all over the kitchen and themselves, or as they vacuumed the ten square meters of their apartment, discovering long lost memories underneath the furniture and behind hardly moved closets, he found it was easy to rediscover his own laughter, especially when he never failed to make it seem like life was really worth the struggle.

It were rough times, but he still found his whole being calming down when they were a bunch of tangled limbs in the bathtub, washing themselves with water he had heated up on the stove as they used the scarce light from around twenty candles he strategically placed all over their two square meters bathroom, soft lips slowly kissing the pain away.

It were rough times, but in between the bad and worse, he always had a smile to show and a hug to spare and it was in his arms that he found his heart felt at home, even though his mind kept fighting the way he was so suddenly bound to the other, clinging to him like his life depended on it, and even though in some ways it probably did, he felt like no one had to know about that - not even he himself.

So he took the good times and the bad times, he laughed and cried, loved and hated, and all of it blurred together in just him and him, uniting into them, slowly drowning in the vastness of life together, finding the waves close above their heads, but never stopping to try and fight their way back to the surface, because it might be rough times, but no one ever said life would be easy.

Fic Challenge - 021; Park Benches [1/100]

Title: Park Benches
Characters: Yesung/Kyuhyun
Rating: G
Wordcount: 1.101
Summary: Yesung is overworked and Kyuhyun just doesn't know what's important anymore.
A/N: I have no idea where this came from. Yet it's here. (:

- - - - -

It’s brown, it’s old and he thinks that maybe this might just be the best place for him to spend his evening. So he sits down, settles onto the unmoving hardness of the seat and rests his back against the battered and half-ass painted wooden back support. There is a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth, but it’s not going past tugging, because he’s making sure to keep his expression in check. After all, he is not here to smile at the pleasantries of life, he is here to hide away from the million things he has to do and the million people to remind him of those things.

It is then that his eyes catch sight of a few youngsters playing soccer on the small grass field this inner city park holds. They’re completely into it, sidestepping each other and using all kinds of high-level soccer tricks. He watches them for a while, completely getting lost into their game, even though there is not a chance he will be joining them that day - or ever.


It’s white, with partly peeled off paint and an incredibly large amount of long dried-up bird poop all over it, but he figures it can still serve as a good spot to kill the afternoon time. So he sinks onto the cold surface that is slightly bumpy and rests his back against the iron bar that has meanwhile taken the place of the back rest. His brains are still working hard as he tries to figure out what the hell he’s doing in a park when he can just as well spend the four hours of break on something better than staring at a bunch of people he doesn’t know, because lord knows that even though there’s no schedules, it could never hurt to practice either his singing or his dancing a little more.

Right at the moment he wants to get back up, the sun breaks through the rather cloudy sky and as the rays of light touch his skin, he can already feel the warmth they’re emitting. He settles back against the cold iron and closes his eyes, letting himself be revived by the wonderful feeling of the late-summer sun on his face. A slight smile pulls up the corners of his mouth and he sighs deeply, realising it is not often that he gets to live such a moment of complete peace.


It’s green -obviously freshly repainted- with long, small planks and he wonders if whoever has repaired the old brown thing will try having a go at the other ones too. As he sits down, like he has been doing for the past few weeks, on the same day every time, his eyes land on the same group of soccer-playing boys as he has been watching for the past few weeks. Their soccer games are always the same, but today it is slightly different, with the freshly fallen leaves that rustle and die under their feet and the one little guy that is missing. He figures the boy had homework to do, or maybe caught a cold and stayed at home, so he doesn’t think much of it.

As the autumn breeze makes the leaves fly past him as well, he focuses his gaze on the beauty of the dying nature, takes in all those different colours and smiles slightly, realising how much of the regular things in life he actually misses, locked up in a recording studio or sleeping in a car or a plane on the road to yet another concert. He thinks -silently to himself, so that no one can blame him for such thoughts- that it’s nice to be able to come here every week and enjoy the scenery.


It’s white, a very flashy kind of white, completely covered in snow, and when he reaches out a hand to touch the smooth surface, he retracts it quickly even before having touched the cold, icy substance. There is a shiver running through his arm already, even though it has only been exposed to the cold outside air for under a minute. Slightly disappointed that today is not a day where he can sit down and just let go of everything to enjoy nature’s finest like he has done for the past weeks, he walks by the snow-covered seat. His hands are tucked deep into the pockets of his fake-fur coated jacket and he looks around interestedly.

Despite what he had expected, there are actually quite a lot of people still walking in the park. As he strolls through, he notices two kids making a snowman and he smiles. There is little he prefers to do in the evening, but he feels that just maybe he would love to leave his computer for a day and come make a snowman in the late hours, when everyone is long asleep.


It’s brown, it’s new and he thinks that maybe this might just be the same spot as he had come to the first time, but it certainly isn’t the same bench. He sits down anyway, settles onto the unmoving hardness of the seat and rests his back against the shiny new back support. There is a smile on his lips, pulling up the corners of his mouth into a happy expression, because it doesn’t really matter who sees it and who doesn’t. After all, there is nothing more beautiful than the pleasantries of life, so what else could he possibly want from life? For once, he does not worry about the million things he still has to do and the million people who always remind him of those things. All that matters is the fact that the team he’s rooting for just scored another goal.


It’s brown, covered in a completely new layer of paint and not a sign of bird poop anywhere, but he still knows it’s the same bench he has been sitting on for the past months. So he sinks down onto the lukewarm, smooth surface and rests his back against the spotless back rest. His brain is slowly munching over the impressions of a group of young guys playing soccer and he does not ponder anymore about the reason for his coming to the park every single time, because it has become a habit, something he does because he likes to. As he closes his eyes to enjoy the early-spring sun on his face, he leaves behind the stress that is work and for a minute is able to let go of the famous idol-identity that has been pasted on him for eternity. He figures that life is quite good like this.

[FIC] Of battles and unfound peace

Title: Of battles and unfound peace
Characters: Super Junior
Rating: R
Wordcount: 8.381
Summary: A letter written but never sent
A/N: About this one.. I have no explanation.. I don't know where the inspiration came from or how I managed to write this with as little emotion as I had. I never felt bad over this story once (except for when I finished it, it was kind of strange) and wrote it in the course of I think 3-4 days? Personally I feel rather proud over this one, yet on the other hand I feel like it lacks a lot of emotions. But it is how it is. I hope you'll find this story worth having read it.

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The war between North and South Korea has been raging for near to a year when their group is formed. Since after a whole year of fighting, they hadn’t reached much further than when they started, the South Korean government decided to put together a team of a few of their most cunning soldiers to send out on special missions, and that’s exactly the message the group gets when they are created. They are a special team put together to carry out special operations.

At first they feel like it’s an honour to be part of this special team and to be able to serve the country, but that soon changes when they find out that special is just another word for dangerous in the government’s vocabulary. Their missions are of the kind that no one else is to know about and that have to be performed in the utmost secrecy. From simple scouting missions to sneaking into the enemy camp to help some of the prisoners escaping.

They consist of twelve people in the beginning. Some of them know each other from the battalions they were previously in, or from just randomly having played some poker or sport together in the main camp.

Jungsoo is the one they put in command of their group; because he’s the oldest, because he has been in the army for the longest time, because he has the qualities of a good leader. The rest of them are added because of their expertise in certain fields.

There are Youngwoon and Donghee, a pair of the strongest men in the army and both also incredibly cunning when it comes to bombs and grenades of all sorts, but as friends they are two of the most funny and kind people to be around, always full of pranks.

Another important one is Heechul, the snarky, legendary sniper who has taken out one of North Korea’s most important leaders somewhere in the beginning of the war, but hasn’t really done anything impressive since and basically still lives off the fame he gained from that one important kill.

The group also holds Hyukjae and Ryeowook, the two medics of the team, both kind of shy and easily affected by the harshness of the war, missing their home a lot as they were thrown into the war at a young age, but they are said to have saved a lot of lives already with their skills.

A little bit of an odd one out, but still very valuable, is Hangeng, a strategist who is originally part of the Chinese reinforcements, known for the many battle strategies he has thought out so far that have helped South Korea a great deal in their war against the North.
The other five, Kibum, Sungmin, Siwon, Donghae and Jongwoon, don’t have any specific talents themselves, but they are needed to strengthen the team’s numbers and because the group needs the men who can handle their guns and take on some more important missions.



After about a year of missions, suddenly a new team member is introduced to them. His name is Kyuhyun, another strategist. Although no one talks about it, everyone knows he’s added because the higher-ups are afraid that the Chinese will pull back their reinforcements now that the war is seemingly heading nowhere, and they want the new strategist accustomed and ready to fully take over Hangeng’s job by the time this happens.

Kyuhyun is welcomed with a few disapproving looks, mainly coming from Youngwoon, Heechul and Jungsoo, but seems to not want to push Hangeng out of their midst or take the place of the Chinese man, so after a while he gets accepted. They are not given any harder missions anymore, but just a few easy ones, so that Kyuhyun can get used to the way things work and train himself. Then, about three months after he joined them, they finally get sent out on a mission again.

The only thing they have to do is take over an enemy outpost so that they can use the weapons and stocked food there. Heechul is supposed to cause a commotion by killing off a few of the enemies from a certain direction, pulling the attention towards him, and the others will then close in from another side and take over the remaining ones. The building cannot simply be blown up as they need the weapons in good state and not partly destroyed.

Yet everything goes wrong when the enemies can’t see anyone in the direction Heechul is shooting from and start scanning the other directions as well. Knowing that his friends will be clearly visible to them when they just look the right way, Heechul does the only thing he can think of in that split second; he makes himself visible. Immediately all attention turns back to him, guns are fired and he quickly runs away. By the time the enemy realises it’s a decoy, the others have broken into the outpost already and the mission succeeds without anymore fail.

Heechul gets out less fortunate, however. He takes a bullet in the leg and if not for Hyukjae and Ryeowook’s amazing medic skills, he probably would have lost it, but they manage to bandage him excellently and carry him back to the camp where he can be taken care of by real doctors. It is the first time one of them gets hurt and they find themselves looking for comfort in each other and praying for Heechul’s wellbeing, because the shot wound has created the possibility for him to never walk again in his life.

The snarky sniper, however, does not seem to feel as bad as he looks and refuses to give up as well, because he’s up on his feet again after a month already, seven months before he was supposed to be able to get up. He stumbles around with a tight bandage around his leg that is meant to keep his leg stable, but he walks, and he improves much faster than anyone could have imagined.

Yet they still have to go out without him, because they can’t just stop doing missions. They manage quite well, though, and Hangeng still remains by their side because unlike the superiors thought, the Chinese are still good allies to have and they keep their troops in South Korea, albeit most of them on standby. Their group does quite well with their missions, gaining themselves a certain name amongst the other soldiers and slowly starting their path towards victory.



The first real shock comes about half a year later, when their group gets hit by a bomb. Jungsoo, Donghee and Kyuhyun are closest to the explosion, taking a rather hard blow. Out of the three of them, Donghee is hurt the least. He immediately gets up again and rushes over to where Jungsoo’s lying. The eldest is bleeding out of several little wounds, but none are life-threatening it seems. He is losing a lot of blood, however, and his calls for Kyuhyun, inquiring if the youngest is alright, grow weaker and weaker as Ryeowook tries his best to take care of the cuts and burns.

Hyukjae is the first to rush to Kyuhyun’s side the moment he sees Donghee going towards Jungsoo. The strategist is mumbling continuously, but already doesn’t seem conscious enough anymore to know himself whatever he’s saying - or trying to say. It takes only a minute or two before he completely sinks away into oblivion and Hyukjae works fast to try and temper most of the bleeding, as the others frantically search their surroundings to see where the enemy is hiding and to keep them at bay.

They soon find that the bomb was merely a mine placed in what seemed to be the wrong field, because they discovered no other mine, but this knowledge doesn’t heal the severe injuries their friend has suffered and when they carry his seemingly lifeless body back into the camp, they realise for the first time the massive proportions of the whole war, and how many innocent people have already given their life for it so far. They do not need the doctor to tell them what they already know; Kyuhyun is injured so badly that he’s fighting for his life, and there’s no way of knowing when and if he will wake up.



In the weeks that follow, Kyuhyun is in a state of coma and none of them knows what will become of him. They continue to have to do missions, but somehow it feels like there’s an empty spot. On top of all that, the superiors decide to cut their group into parts, telling them that they are too crowded and can be discovered too easily, so they’re going to split up into smaller teams at times and get around like that.

The first new team consists of Jungsoo, who recovered rather well after three weeks, Donghee, Hyukjae, Heechul, Youngwoon and Sungmin. They are sent on a few missions and appear to be cooperating very well, always returning to report another successful mission, and always showing a bright and joking attitude towards the others. Often the trips to the places they have to be are full of happily sung army songs or teasing jokes from all sides. They are considered successful, but soon are no longer able to go out because Heechul’s leg seems to not be healed completely.

So the second new team is about the same people and they simply replace Heechul with Jongwoon. Even though they don’t have any sniper or strategist amongst them, they do their missions well. It turns out Jungsoo is capable of more than just leading people around when he takes up a sniping gun one day and leads them to victory by taking out the most important enemy with it. His skills are nowhere near as perfect as Hangeng’s, Kyuhyun’s or Heechul’s, but he seems to manage well with everything he takes upon himself to achieve.

After a dreadful month and a half, Kyuhyun finally wakes up, causing the whole group to rush to his bed in the infirmary and tell them how happy they are to see him wake up. He smiles at them, but doesn’t talk back, because he still has a hard time breathing. His lung is still recovering from the damage it has taken when he was thrown to the ground by the explosion. They sit there for a whole day, night and then another day. Some just sit, others pray, others -like Heechul- crack a few silly jokes and tell the youngest to recover soon or they’ll hunt him down to his grave.

Kyuhyun recovers quite okay, mainly thanks to the help of his amazing doctor, but the incident is never forgotten by the thirteen of them. The two years and a half of war and death are starting to take their toll on the men. Their dreams -or rather nightmares- are filled with blood, gunshots, explosions and corpses; and whatever moment of rest they can find is still accompanied by the sound of faraway shooting. They find that the people they’re working with are their only hope on surviving and the ties between their group grow even stronger.

It is the day that Kyuhyun starts walking again for the first time that the superiors announce yet another change. There is another new team to be formed out of them, but this time with other members. Since Heechul’s leg isn’t quite as good yet, they tell them that they have found another sniper and because the group has to go far away, they need someone who can handle the food, so there will be two new people added to this new team.

The first reactions are not very positive - after all, they have to add two strangers to their group and try to work together with yet new people - but when Zhou Mi and Henry are introduced, Hangeng happily greets them, telling the others that he knows both of them from his days back in the Chinese army, and Heechul recognises Zhou Mi as someone who has helped him a great deal back when he was still suffering with his leg. They are easily accepted into the group after that, because they soon prove their value.

The new group contains the two Chinese soldiers, Hangeng, Ryeowook, Donghae, Siwon and Kyuhyun. Everyone protests against Kyuhyun having to go along, but by the time they have to set out on their first mission, Kyuhyun is recovered enough to go along, albeit not able to do that much intensive fighting. Luckily the mission is easy and they return with good news and a carload of heavy artillery.



The whole group works together fine, occasionally splitting up in the separate teams to do the more secret missions. At times when they’re not out in the field, they sit together and play some cards or have a smoke as they talk about their lives. Most of them were pulled into the war in the middle of their obligatory army duty, but some were less peacefully forced to enter the fighting.

Jungsoo speaks of the university he was going to attend when they called him into the army, Ryeowook talks about his studies to become a professional doctor when suddenly men from the government came and told him how much they needed more people to help out with curing people on the battlefield, Kyuhyun mumbles something about having played a lot of strategic computer games in his past and then suddenly being called to arms, only to serve in their group, and then there’s Kibum..

Kibum just sits and is silently listening, but when they turn to him, they see pain in his eyes and regret in his expression, and they wonder exactly what he has been through, but he doesn’t speak so they don’t try to push him. It is a few days later when he tells them of his fiancée who is left at home to worry about him, hoping he’ll come back to her alive so that they can finally marry, something they were planning on doing already when they came to recruit him.

All twelve who have fought with him for almost two years now, suddenly realise what all the letters he wrote during that time mean and how much he must really suffer being in such a big war, having no other wish than to make it out of there and get back to the woman he loves. They exchange hugs and pats on the shoulder with him and he gives them a wry smile, saying he’s happy to at least still have them to have good times with in the midst of all the death and destruction.

They smile, they laugh and they agree, but his words never seem to leave their midst and it is not long until they all start to see the war the way he sees it. They have been fighting for three years already, out of which two were spent in the team they have formed now, but nothing seems to change. North Korea is not moving away from the borders and the bombardments keep going on. There is only the faint positive note that at least they haven’t started using atomic bombs.

They of course can’t just step out of the war, because that will surely mean they’ll lose their heads, so they continue fighting. Months pass and nothing changes. They kill so many, but it doesn’t seem to change a thing. It is as if the North has a never ending supply of soldiers whom they can simply throw in and give a certainty of death without any second thoughts. The war is hard and fierce, raging at the borders and it is wearing them out to never have an untroubled night of sleep.. And then Kibum makes an unexpected decision.



It is halfway the fourth year into the war and they are sent on another one of their full-team missions that do not include Zhou Mi or Henry when he tells them of his plan. He is sick of the war, he says, sick of all the useless killing and needless suffering in name of something that he doesn’t believe in anymore anyway. He says he’s very sorry for not standing by their side, but he really loves his fiancée and he doesn’t want to die and leave her behind alone, with no one to take care of her. He deserts on their way back to the camp and they can only wish him good luck.

When they get back to the army camp, they tell their superiors that they lost him in battle and are not sure if he’s still alive or not. Another team is sent out to find him, but they return saying there is no trace of the young man and so the superiors assume he has been taken prisoner by the North. The twelve people who know better do nothing to contradict that belief as they silently hope that their friend has made it out alive and will be able to get to his fiancée.

Kibum’s parting leaves them with more questions about the whole purpose of this war. The pride of their nation and the preservation of the country all don’t seem so important anymore as they start missing their family even more. It’s not rare anymore to find two or three of them curled up close together at night. They all have trouble with nightmares and homesickness and they know exactly how much comfort the close proximity can give, even if the other is a male as well, so it’s nothing they will judge others for.



As time passes, things seem to get worse, and they get another big shock mere months after Kibum left on one of their standard missions. They have just taken over an enemy base and are in the middle of gathering the weapons, when a loud cry from the outside warns them that others are coming. They rush out of the base with as much as they can carry and give a run for it, trying to get away from the place as fast as possible. They have run about a hundred metres when the enemies reach the base, discover their dead comrades and open fire on them.

Youngwoon gets hit. They suddenly see him stumbling forward, he makes a strange flip in mid-air and lands in the grass with a terrifying thud. When Ryeowook rushes to him, the young man needs only one look to tell that there is no more hope. They have no time to waste, no time to sit next to his dying body and hold his hands that steadily grow colder. The only thing they can do is run, to make sure that no one else suffers the same fate.

They make it to safety in time, disappearing into the forest, not stopping until they reach their own outpost, but the moment they sink down on the ground, the cruel reality hits them all. Youngwoon is dead. He lies somewhere on the battlefield, left to rot away as time passes. He’ll never be able to build a house like he wanted to do once in his life, and they can’t even bury him because trying to get his corpse back would be a suicide operation. Even though they successfully finished their mission, they don’t feel successful at all when they return to the main camp with hanging heads.

They tell their superiors how the mission went, but the commanders also notice the absence of the straightforward bomber. There is a short silence when they ask about him and as realisation hits them, the first report of bombing attacks in the country itself is brought to them. The camp turns into chaos as the news quickly spreads through the soldiers. Everyone starts shouting, some calling for their beloved ones, others inquiring to know where exactly the bomb hit. When the officer tells them it is their capital city, all hell breaks loose.

The group of now eleven people is silent. Very silent. Extremely silent. Because Seoul is the place where Kibum’s fiancée lived and thereby also the place he went to. They retreat to their barracks without saying another word and when the two Chinese members ask what happened, the only thing they can point at are the empty beds of the two people that are now probably both dead. The silence in their room lasts only until Hyukjae starts crying. Soon after Ryeowook follows and they don’t need long for all of them to shed tears, openly or hidden.



The war doesn’t stop just because they’re mourning, however, and soon they are put on another mission. There is no hope or life in them, but they also don’t want to die, so they exercise it perfectly. The outpost where Youngwoon died is taken over once again, this time without fail, but they do not find his body anymore. At the same time, reports of more bombing attacks are coming in and soon it is clear to all of them that the North hasn’t even unleashed half of their destructive powers.

The Chinese are in a state of horror, pulling back their troops the moment they find out about the bombings. Hangeng is torn away from the group together with Zhou Mi and Henry. They have exactly five minutes to say goodbye, watching as the three pack their stuff and leave. They don’t really want to go and the others kind of want to hold them back, but they all know that going back to China means being safe, and somehow that option sounds like it’s best for them, so no one even utters a word about staying together.

They are left with the ten of them, huddled together on the ground of their barrack, wondering why it is again that they are fighting this useless fight. Jungsoo cradles Ryeowook in his arms, but neither of them stops crying, and Hyukjae on their right isn’t much better off. Heechul scoffs, saying that they shouldn’t act so childish, yet the tears threaten to stream over his cheeks as well and all life seems to be drained out of him. His face is deadly pale and he obviously is not yet able to grasp the magnitude of the fact that all of his closest friends; Kibum, Youngwoon and Hangeng; seem to have left him.

The others are in a state of disbelief as well, not really able to grasp the fact that there are only ten of them left. What once was a tight group of friends, maybe even family, now is nothing but homeless people spread out over two different countries; one at war and one desperately trying to stay out of it. They go to bed with a feeling of defeat and abandonment, all close to each other on the ground. Everyone is holding someone or is being held, but they still feel the absence of those that left and the nightmares come albeit uncalled for.



And yet the war rages on. Continuously and without remorse. A week after Youngwoon’s death, it is already obvious that the bombings have become daily events. It seems like the North is randomly attacking, because there are small villages as well as big cities on the list of attacked places. Once, when they mention Ryeowook’s village, he grows very still and ashen, before tears start streaming over his face. No one knows what to say that is soothing enough for his pain.

They are soon sent on missions again, because the war doesn’t wait for people to mourn their losses, and although they make it out alive every time again, they have long lost the euphorious feeling after being successful. Something just feels terribly wrong. They miss Youngwoon’s sexist jokes and Kibum’s sarcastic comments, just as much as Henry’s good food, Zhou Mi’s happy smile and Hangeng’s accented Korean. But war doesn’t wait for people to contact their friends either.

They are five years into the war when the unthinkable happens; the North starts bombing China as well. Soon reports come in that America has come to China’s aid and is bombing the North as well. Many a man finds happiness in that news, knowing that they do not stand alone anymore against the vicious North, but the ten of them worry and doubt, because no one deserves to be bombed, especially not the innocent civilians that can’t choose either in which country they’re born. It is sad that the destruction of others is needed to save their own lives, they know, but there’s nothing they can do about it.

China sends back its reinforcements now that it is actively involved in the war They fight North Korea at the North border and they have a lot more soldiers to use. Zhou Mi and Henry appear again at the barracks they have lived in for so long. The reuniting is filled with hugs and smiles and somehow they manage to find a faint feeling of happiness in the midst of all the destruction. Yet Hangeng is nowhere to be seen and it worries them that the two don’t know anything about him either. They have to beg their officers for news about him and when it comes, it shocks even the Chinese soldiers; Hangeng is promoted and now comes up with China’s war strategies, safely hidden away in some fancy Chinese government building.

They feel two-sided about this. On the one hand, they are happy that he is safe and can do the thing he does best on a larger scale, but on the other hand they feel betrayed, left behind, forgotten. Have they not fought together in this crazy war for ages? Have they not struggled side by side with him to make it through, to survive? Heechul is most enraged, shouting profanities into the deadly silence of their barracks the moment they return. Surely, he says, the asshole was able to at least send a letter or something along with the Chinese troops so they would know he is alive instead of having to find out through others, but of course his shouting doesn’t change a thing about the situation.



The past five years of war seem so useless to them. They still haven’t gained anything; the North is still fighting, they still haven’t gotten past the borders and there are still people uselessly dying. Youngwoon’s death doesn’t seem to be that of a heroic fighter who died for his country like they were told it would be in the beginning. It’s more of a needless lost life for no reason at all, because the outpost they were supposed to take that day proved completely useless to them now. If anything, they find that everything has become very fucked up.

But apparently things are able to get even worse, which they find out when the North becomes more aggressive. Suddenly it is not battling anymore, but mere struggling to survive. Bombs are dropped everywhere. Sleep is now reduced to the few minutes they can squeeze in when you rest your head for a moment as others take over their positions at front. It seems like the North has focused all its strength on the border in order to end this part of the war as fast as possible so they can use all their soldiers for the Chinese.

There is no such thing as barracks or teams anymore, but still the twelve of them stick together, because they have gotten through so much already so far that they can’t just give up like that. Every day tanks are send out and every day they return with fewer than they left, but also with news that the North isn’t doing too good either. Yet the force they attack with doesn’t seem to become less. Exploding grenades have become an everyday thing and if one can’t focus with a lot of noise, then there is nothing for them to do in the war.

At a certain point - time has become unimportant, all that matter is that you have to keep going, keep surviving - Siwon gets injured badly and he’s taken to the infirmary for a while. Heechul and Zhou Mi are soon called away by the commanders because they have some kind of plan and they need all the snipers they can find. The nine remaining keep going. None of them remembers anymore what it feels like to not hold a gun in their hands and they all have only one thing left in their heads; the need to survive. They seem to have forgotten that there is something else than the battlefield. Yet the outside world doesn’t want to be forgotten that easily.



When Siwon returns, he brings with him a very unexpected friend. Heechul and Zhou Mi return together with them as well, saying that the commander’s plans have gone to waste after the North advanced too fast. What shakes them all the most, however, is not the two snipers coming back without having done anything, it is the fourth person in the group that silently walks along with them, his eyes not for once leaving the ground, until they notice him and, almost disbelievingly, call out his name.

Kibum looks up then, taking in all their faces with an expression that speaks of so much sadness that it’s hard to believe he’s actually smiling. They don’t have time for hugs or introductions, because the bullets fly around their heads and the war doesn’t wait for those who want to catch up, so they simply pull the four of them into their midst and push a gun in their hands again. Kibum surprisingly blends into their group again like he has never been away, and they take down an unexpected amount of enemies that day.

It is during the night, when the shooting becomes less because the North might have many soldiers but they haven’t invented night vision for all of them yet, that they finally get a chance to share some words that have nothing to do with fighting. Kibum gets hugs and pats on the back from all of them and the two Chinese who didn’t know yet about his reasons to leave finally get to hear the truth about it all. Yet Kibum has things to add that are much less touching and full of love as they had expected.

He tells them how the whole country has been bombed so badly that there is no city left unharmed. Buildings have been taken down to the ground, grain fields have been destroyed and the whole of South Korea meanwhile is nothing more than the ruins of a once blooming society. Many have died and he says he’s quite sure that if ever they get to go home, they won’t find much family alive anymore. Incheon, he says quietly because he knows Ryeowook was born there, is one of the places that was reduced to nothing more but ashes and dust and all who lived there have been killed.

A silence ensues after his words as they try to grasp the enormity of his words. They realise that, even if the war would end and they would be able to go home, nothing will ever be the same again. They would have to rebuild the houses, plough the fields and dig the waterways all over again. Electricity only exists on rare places, mostly hospitals that use big generators, and even they are slowly losing their power as well.

All in all, Heechul finally breaks the silence, their best plan is to just travel abroad. They chuckle despite the heavy feeling of despair. The sound is neither happy nor bright, but it is a change to the sighing and crying that most do. Not knowing what to say more and also slightly unwilling to sacrifice the few hours of sleep they get to spend on chatting, they decide to sleep. It is a partly ruined canvas that serves as their blanket and the ruins of what once was someone’s house probably they crash in. But they find themselves unable to sleep and when Kibum suddenly starts talking again after a few moments of silence, they find out why exactly that is.

He tells them how he made his way past their army back to the main land. Once in a slightly bigger city, he immediately got on a train that would bring him closer to Seoul, where he arrived right in time to see the damage the first bombing had done. The house of his fiancée was nothing but broken stones and shattered glass and the neighbours - whom he found days later only - told him she had not survived. He then went on to find his parents who lived in a less damaged part of Seoul, but even though his father survived the bombings, he died because of an infected wound not long after. After that, he wandered around the country for a while, suffering from terrible nightmares every single night, before deciding that he would be better off in the middle of the war. So that was where he returned to.

They are silent for a while as they take in his words, before Heechul rolls closer to Kibum and pulls him into a hug. The youngest doesn’t respond to that, it seems like he has run out of tears to cry, but softly asks where the other two missing are. They tell him of Hangeng being promoted in the Chinese ranks and of Youngwoon’s death. He merely nods in reply, resting his head on Heechul’s shoulder as he closes his eyes, ending the conversation with that move.

They all huddle so tightly together that it almost gets too hot under the canvas, but no one really minds. Hyukjae has his face hidden against Donghae’s chest, crying tears over the lost hope of going back home, Ryeowook is tightly holding on to Henry, but actually the latter seems to be the most composed of the two, Siwon is praying silently, Zhou Mi and Shindong are looking at it all with sad eyes, Kyuhyun is staring at the ceiling without words and Jungsoo is looking at all of them with a bleeding heart, his maternal instincts making him shed tears in silence.

Heechul and Kibum seem to be the two least affected. They merely hold on to each other and whisper in a soft tone, holding a soft conversation that no one else can hear. After about ten minutes, they both turn to the others. There is a short silence, before they tell the others to not waste their precious time and just go to sleep. There are mumbled goodnights and sniffled apologies, before everyone puts down their head and closes their eyes.



They wake up to their commander’s shout. In a matter of seconds they’re all standing. Some still have swollen eyes from all the crying, other’s look more dead than alive, but they’re all together and somehow that brings them strength. The commander tells them that their team needs to go out once more. They need to go free some prisoners the North took and bring them back, so that the South can do a full-scale attack and hopefully take over the North by surprise. However, the prisoners are held somewhere behind the enemy camp, and it will probably be their most dangerous mission as of yet.

It all doesn’t matter to them anymore, really. They agree, because their success might change the course of the war and maybe all the madness will end then. So they take their weapons, drag Zhou Mi and Henry into it as well, and set for the camp where they have to free the prisoners. It is about a day’s march to the place where the North is keeping the prisoners hostage and they set off with nothing but the need to succeed and hopefully put an end to all the needless killing.

Yet the path is dangerous, as they have to sneak past the North’s army. They have walked away from their own main camp for about five hours when they stumble upon about seven enemies, hidden in the bushes. There is sudden shooting and Kyuhyun falls to the ground before anyone can even respond. Their first reflex is to jump into hiding and shoot in the direction where the bullets came from, but Sungmin and Kibum are smart enough sneak around the back and take out the remaining enemies. The moment their call comes that it’s safe, both Hyukjae and Ryeowook rush to the unmoving Kyuhyun.

When they flip his body over, they know it’s already too late. Blood is oozing out of the wound in his chest and it’s obvious that the bullet has pierced his lung by the way his breath rags through his throat. The others gather around him in no time, all shocked at the sight of the obviously dying strategist, but he merely smiles as he reaches out a hand to grab Ryeowook’s and thereby stop the medic from trying to prod at the wound. He coughs up some blood as he chuckles humourlessly. It’s too bad, he then mumbles, that real life doesn’t allow him to revive in the base camp after a three minutes wait.

Heechul is the only one showing a grim smile at that bad joke made with his last breath and as everyone stares at the youngest’ corpse, he merely shoulders his sniper again and pulls Hyukjae and Jungsoo back on their feet. They all realise then that they cannot stay behind to mourn over his death, but Donghae refuses to leave him just like that, so he stays behind to give the body some sort of burial. All the others move on, because the war is still raging and they have a mission to do, but their hearts stay with the two they leave behind.



The rest of their travel goes by in silence and they reach the camp where the prisoners are held without trouble. Yet it is only when they take in the vastness of the prison that they realise the trip might have just been the easiest part of the mission. There are guards everywhere. Heavily armed guards who seem to be guarding a lot of important people, because why else would the North take so many of their soldiers out of the fight to guard some prisoners?

It is Jungsoo who comes up with a plan, being the closest they have to a strategist, and Donghee is their main person in this plan. He is going to throw smoke bombs and grenades everywhere, confusing the people inside. At the highest point of the enemies’ confusion, the others will storm the prison and overtake it as Zhou Mi and Heechul snipe down the guards on top of the walls, meanwhile remaining hidden at the sides themselves. They know the plan is risky, but they also know it is their only chance and so they share a last hug before readying themselves, set on bringing this to a good end in honour of those who have fallen.

Donghee and Henry leave and it is a mere ten minutes later that the first explosions happen, obviously startling the guards of the prison. Another five minutes later Jungsoo, Jongwoon, Sungmin, Hyukjae, Siwon, Ryeowook and Kibum start their advance on the entrance, crawling to the leg-long grass. They’re about halfway there when the first guards start falling down, clutching whatever part of their body that was hit. Five metres away from the entrance, they suddenly see the heavy gate being opened and Donghee ushering them to come in.

From then on, everything becomes a blur of shooting, running and surviving. Jungsoo rushes towards the cells together with Siwon and Jongwoon. On their way, they pass a lot of corpses missing some limbs or full of burns, but none of it registers in their mind. They simply run, opening cells as they pass them and letting out the prisoners. Some of them immediately rush out and grab a gun from the ground to fight along, others merely run for the exit in order to get out as fast as possible. Everything is chaos, shouting and shooting.

Heechul and Zhou Mi come running in when all the guards on the walls have been taken down, but the latter stops dead in his tracks for a moment when he sees an all too familiar arm sticking out from under the ruins of what once was a building. He doesn’t need to roll the block away to know it’s Henry and that all help would be useless now, but he doesn’t stop Ryeowook when the young medic rushes to his younger friend’s side and tries anyway.

Suddenly a door opens and from inside a horde of North Koreans come running, shooting in all directions. Everyone ducks behind cover, recklessly shooting back without even looking if they’re aiming right. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, Donghee runs towards the group, shouting some war cry that isn’t understandable above the other noise. He gets shot several times, stumbles over his own feet and lands right before the group, letting the opened grenade roll out of his hand and into their midst.

The huge explosion filled with cries of pain and the smell of burning flesh makes everything all the more disgusting, but they have all become so numb that no one really notices it anymore. It is then that Kibum suddenly appears on the scene again and it is only then that they can see how much the death of his fiancée really changed him. His expression is emotionless as he takes a better grip on the machine gun and starts shooting everything North Korean that moves. Heechul takes that as his cue to throw himself into the fight as well and suddenly all nine of them storm forward, right as another group of North Koreans comes out of the prison building.

The fight is heavy, but short, even though for the ones fighting it feels like ages. They can see how in the first minute Kibum is taken down, but not before having killed or injured almost half the group of enemies. As his lifeless body falls limply on the ground, Jongwoon lets out a cry of rage and doubles his firepower. Empty guns are thrown aside and people just grab whatever still working weapon they can find. People are taken down left and right, North and South Korean alike, until five minutes later the last enemy is taken down by a bullet from Heechul’s gun.



When Jungsoo looks around, only barely realising that they won, he finally sees the real damage they have taken. Henry, Kibum and Donghee have been taken down together with a few twenty-something of the prisoners they have come to free. Ryeowook is still sitting next to the huge stone that has crushed Henry, while Hyukjae is trying to see if there is any hope for Kibum. Both of them are crying without realising it. Siwon took a bullet in his leg, but is jumping around on one leg, giving a silently prayer for every ally he passes that has been taken down. Sungmin and Jongwoon stand next to him, taking in the damage as well and Zhou Mi walks over to Heechul to calm down the still enraged sniper.

They take a day of rest in the prison, using the supplies the North Koreans have left to feed themselves and the prisoners. Donghae arrives by their side again when the sun has almost set, drained and tired, but when he hears of the three who died, he immediately insists on giving them some sort of burial as well. Sungmin and Jongwoon help him this time and it isn’t long before all their fallen soldiers have been covered under the rocks and stones that were spread all around. Siwon, who meanwhile has gotten bandaged by Hyukjae, speaks another prayer over the mass grave and then they go to bed.

It is at sunrise the next morning that their whole group, including the prisoners now near to about seventy people strong, sets off back to their own camp. Once there, the commanders clear out their new strategy with the few important people they have saved and it is on that same day already that the South opens a full-scale attack on the North, storming them with every weapon they can find. Tanks go first, followed by other heavy artillery and finally the soldiers on foot.



That is the last battle in the war between North and South Korea, after six years of battling. With help of the Chinese and the Americans, the South has finally won, albeit after terrible losses. Their next goal is of course rebuilding the country and helping the surviving civilians, which they succeed at rather nicely. The whole western world sends funds for them to bring their country back to how it was and after a long year of troubles, the capital city is the first to be cleared from all the ravages and the first batch of houses stand, ready for the people to move in.

With help of neighbouring countries, everything is slowly rebuild. North and South Korea are united to be one country again, under lead of the former South Korean president, and China sends them a lot of its military forces to help with the clearing of the ruins and the rebuilding of the cities. It still takes a lot of years for the country to get back to its former state, but peace has returned to the world.

Many ex-soldiers are send to special houses where people help them to survive, as they have become unable to blend into the normal world again. Often they are haunted by nightmares or so scarred by the things they’ve seen that they have a breakdown or sink into depression. There are few who manage to go back to living a normal life like they had done before the war, but some of them even manage to write books about it all or have someone write their biographies.



Twenty years after the war, a Chinese magazine interviews the owner of one of these homes for ex-soldiers. It turns out he is a Chinese ex-soldier himself who, for a while, has fought alongside the South Koreans. When asked what he thinks of the war, he tells them that the war was a place where one made friends, only to lose them again the same day when a bullet took them down. He tells them the war also was a thing that killed people, not by taking their lives, but by taking everything else they held dear.

His name is Hangeng, he says, and when asked about the soldiers he is giving a home and why, he tells them about the group of people he fought with in the war. He even shows them a picture of the fifteen people, pointing at every single one and calling them by name. Somewhere halfway through the interview, the door opens and another man walks in, but Hangeng merely lets him takes place on a chair next to him, without introducing him.

The interview continues like nothing happened and the unknown man does not give them any reason to make him leave, because he merely sits and stares at the ground. They ask Hangeng if he knows what happened to these men he fought with. Strangely enough it is the unknown man who answers, his voice hoarse and with a certain twinge to it that makes it obvious he has been through a lot. He tells them of how five of them died throughout the war and four in the final battle.

When asked where the other survivors are now, both of them remain silent for a while, before the unknown man sighs deeply. He then reveals his name is Donghae and he is one of the few. It almost seems as if he grows older as he speaks when he tells them of his poor younger friend Ryeowook who couldn’t take the nightmares and hung himself mere months after the war ended. He starts about someone else, but his voice gets caught in his throat as if something makes him unable to speak.

Hangeng then continues. He says there are three others left who are all currently living in his home. Jungsoo, their leader, is one of those. He had always been the one looking after everyone and having lost so many of his team caused him to have terrible nightmares every single night. It is only since Sungmin showed up as well and shared a room with the haunted man that he is able to get some decent sleep from time to time.

When he finishes speaking, Donghae suddenly starts gasping for air, clutching his head in pain. Hangeng kindly asks them to end the interview there and wraps a comforting arm around his friend’s shoulders as he helps him up. He leads the other through a door, where he calls someone else to let the people from the magazine out. A still very young-looking man appears almost immediately after, leading them to the main entrance of the building. Right before they leave, the photographer seems to recognise him and asks for his name.

The man simply smiles a rather amused smile and opens the door for them. He tells them that he is no one important, just a man helping out a few fellow soldiers, after which he motions them to go out. They step outside, asking the still familiar-looking man to thank Hangeng for his time. He smiles and nods, watching as they walk towards their car before closing the door and walking back to the room Hangeng and Donghae are sitting in. He immediately walks up to the latter and pulls him into a comforting hug, knowing exactly what kind of images his mind is feeding him.

All in all, he tells the younger man softly, travelling abroad had been the best plan.

[FIC] Yours Truly

Title: Yours Truly
Characters: Undefined
Rating: G
Wordcount: 1.568
Summary: A letter written but never sent
A/N: A shot that may have started out with defined characters and a vague idea but ended up being so many people mashed together that I just never mentioned any names and left it at that.

- - - - -

Hey you..

I find that I have something to tell you, but I cannot tell you in person, so I’m just writing it down, because I need to get it off my mind somehow. Even if you’ll probably never read this, I will at least have written it down and will not keep living with all these thoughts and memories. To this paper I will give my deepest feelings, because I have nowhere else to put them.

It started so many years ago, five or maybe six already by now.. When we sat next to each other on that bench, staring at our new classmates, wondering what exactly they found so interesting about soccer, but not talking to each other.

Our teacher came to sit with us that day, smiling as she saw how we kept the polite distance strangers always keep, even though we were both doing exactly the same; watching in silence.

She looked at us for a moment and then asked us if we knew each other. I shook my head, you mumbled a short ‘no.’ We didn’t even turn to look at each other as we replied. Our teacher smiled again, shaking her head with a soft laugh. “Who knows.” she then told us. “Maybe you’ll become best friends later on.” I turned to look at you, right as you looked at me and we both laughed at the statement, not believing a word of it.

Yet our teacher had been right. I spent exactly four months sitting rather lonely in my seat at the door of the classroom, before you decided one day that since I sat alone and you sat alone, we could just as well sit together and give other friends the chance to sit next to each other as well instead of having to split up because we both always occupied the second seat of the two free tables.

We spent another month sitting next to each other in silence, before you decided that having some small talk probably wouldn’t hurt us. It was at that moment when you nudged my shoulder and wrote the very interesting and informative message of ‘Don’t you agree that his face looks like a Halloween pumpkin?’ on my geography papers that our friendship started.

We have been taking the same classes every year since we’re doing the same study, both claiming to only study Economics because all the other options suck even more. We even doubled the same year because we both happily failed for 7 out of 15 of our classes, which coincidentally weren’t the same classes, so no one connected the lack of good grades on my report card that year to the overdose of time I had started spending with you.

You yourself had always told me, and everyone else willing or unwilling to listen, that you never intended on being the manager of a company, because your real passion was dance. Sadly enough your family didn’t have the money to let you attend one of the better dance schools in the big city, so that’s why you ended up in the same class as me, spending your days pretending to care about Economics, but using all your spare time to dance.

Every day I see you give the best of yourself in that practice room. You always dance with a passion and a talent that went way beyond my understanding. I didn’t know how you could be so caught up in something, completely losing your attention for anything else the moment the music starts playing and you start moving your limbs to the right beat.

Yet here we are; nearing the end of our last year in high school, almost seven years after the start of our friendship, and I do understand now how one can be so caught up in something that nothing else seems important anymore. I do understand how you can lose attention for everything else the moment this something comes in view. Only with me it is not something, but someone.

It started the first time I saw you dance, in the third grade. I had heard you talk about dancing nonstop from the start, but you never asked me to join you for your practice..until that day. I needed only one second to see your passion; your love for the dance, your feel for the moves, the way everything just seemed to work out as you danced.. There were no boundaries, no questions, it was just you and the music, flowing together as if you were made to do so..and that’s when I started seeing your beauty.

You are not the kind of beauty that shows in prince-like features and a rock-hard body full of muscles. Your beauty lies not in your dazzling smile or your enchanting eyes. Sure, your outside, your look, is not ugly, but your inside, your personality, is so much more than just nice. How a single unexpected event can brighten up your whole day, or how you always seem to shine the moment you enjoy something, or how you can walk up to someone you don’t know at all and give them a compliment, just because you know they deserve it.

I discovered that for the first time when you danced and from then on I saw it in everything you did. Your kindness, your forgiveness, the way you treated me as if I was the most important person on this planet. Whenever we did things together, you would open doors for me, carry my heavy bag, listen to my nagging,.. It was always all about me, never about you. I felt special being treated in such a way, and I guess that’s why I sneakily ignored the fact that you did the same to everyone else.

Sometimes my heart questioned me what I was doing to it and at such times, I found myself at a loss for explanations. Because what was I doing? What did I intend to reach by pretending you loved me? Why did I live in this imaginary world where you loved me and I loved you and we were happy together through thick and thin? Where did I find enough proof to keep believing it myself?

I admit that it was probably easy for me to think like that, because we were such very good friends. Even though we both made other friends over the years, you’d still come to me for everything and I’d still help you with everything. When you participated in your first real dance competition, I was the first one you asked to come watch and I accepted gladly, pretending not to see how you then moved on to your other friends to ask them as well, just so I could feel special. When you had your first crush, I was the one you talked to about it and I listened willingly, pretending the words of love were said to me instead.

No one is perfect, of course, and neither are you. There were times when I felt like stuffing you in the toilet and flushing a few times, like the day you admitted on having lost your part of our friendship bangles, but then you’d come up to me the next day, all smiles and laughs, and you’d apologise with those puppy eyes of yours and tell me that you would make it up to me and I would always believe you, because you always did. I could never stay angry long, for whatever it was you did, you’d have a perfect apology ready after two days at most.

I nurtured my love for you with your friendly gestures and gazes that I pretended were your shows of love, and I spun myself into the imaginary world I had created over the years where you were deeply in love with me as well.. But now, now that it’s the end of our high school years after which you will leave for a completely different city to attend one of the biggest dance schools in our country and I will go on to continue my studies to become a lawyer, now I’ve come to a point where I can walk out of this fantasy world of mine and get in touch with reality again.

So here I am, writing this all out to put an end to this chapter in the book of my life. I am happy to have known you for all these years and I hope that we will keep in contact, even though we will almost be at opposite sides of the country after this school year. I have sincerely loved you and still do; and even though it was only my imagination that made you love me back, you have made me very happy throughout these years. I hope you’ll find someone you can love for real and I know for sure that that person will be one of the happiest people in the world.

This is the end of my thoughts, my feelings. Here I put down my pen and fold this letter to hide it away, so that one day I may pick it up again, read this and think about you whom I loved more than my poor heart could take at times, with a smile on my face and the hope that you found happiness in life.

Yours truly,
Me

[FIC] Reunion

Title: Reunion
Characters: Super Junior
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 3.469
Summary: Seven years after the end, there is a reunion
A/N: This is my first masterpiece. My first shot longer than 2000 words. Also my first angst, my first writing about the end, my first pov from this person. Try finding out whose pov it's written in near the end of the story; it's a challenge. Wrote this when there was crap going on about Hangeng's case and one of my friends mentioned Hyukjae would be the one mending things, that came to this.

- - - - -

I let my eyes scan the people at the table. There are faces that I haven't seen for years and other faces that brighten my television screen every so often, yet all of them are familiar and I once saw them daily, sometimes way too up close for my liking. I smile a bitter smile as my eyes wander over all these familiar faces. It is silent as we sip from our drinks, the atmosphere awkward and tense.

'A reunion' they called it when they invited me to come. It sounded like a nice idea at the time, seeing each other again after so long.. How long has it been now, really? Five years? Six? Seven even, maybe? Yet as I take in the others and see how uncomfortable they look, I feel now more than ever that this might not have been such a good idea after all. Who came up with this anyway?

After a while of wandering around, my eyes lock with a pair of familiar ones at the other end of the table. I smile at my once very dear roommate, but he merely flashes me a grim smile back that doesn't even reach his eyes, and I wonder why I came here to begin with. It’s not like we were missing each other deeply; on the contrary, looking at the situation as it is right now, I think everyone was doing perfectly fine without the others.

I remember clearly the day when it all started going wrong. It probably was somewhere around the end of Bonamana promotions that the crap started, or more specifically, the moment Hangeng officially ended his contract with the company..

That day was the day Jungsoo finally exploded, after having spent years of keeping things for himself or only letting it out when he was sure he would hurt no one with the things he’d say. The day we got the news, it was like someone drove a stake through his heart, tore him into two, from head to toe and let everything just come bursting out. His shouting went from how annoying he thought some of our nagging could be to how much of a fucking selfish bastard he found Heechul to be.

To everyone’s surprise, Heechul didn’t talk back, but simply turned away and left for his room. We could all witness how a deadly pale Jungsoo slammed his fist against the wall, before sinking down on the couch and curling up into a ball. The ever-cool Jongwoon then walked up to him and wrapped his arms around our leader’s frail frame, comforting him like he would do at any other moment. The rest of us also went our own ways like any other day, but from that day on, things changed.

There were no more happy gatherings of the whole group, because Heechul and Jungsoo were still avoiding each other, and soon everyone began to find things about the others that they didn’t like. It didn’t take long for the dorm to become a place where every one of us had our own little island to live and the rest of the group was ignored unless one needed something from someone else. Only roommates kept talking occasionally and even that was reduced to a minimum.

“Where’s Kibum?” Jungsoo asks and I look around to notice that said member is indeed not here yet. I feel how my face forms a bitter smile when I realise I have gotten so used to not having him around that I don’t even notice his absence anymore. Even before we disbanded there was hardly a sign left of him in our dorms. “And I thought Hangeng would come too?” Jungsoo then continues.

I turn my head to look at him. From the Jungsoo I had known, Super Junior’s leader Leeteuk, one would expect worry and possibly a little hurt for having been ditched, but this Jungsoo just stares at the others, eyes dark pools of nothingness that I don’t even want to sink away in, afraid to get lost when I try to find my way back out.

“Kibum’s schedule probably just took more time than expected and Hangeng hyung said that he would be later because of no available earlier flights.” I tell those dark pools and I see Jungsoo blink in surprise when he hears my voice. There is a flicker of life in his eyes, a hint of a smile on his face when he looks at me, really sees me, but it disappears the moment the door opens and he turns his face towards it.

“Oh, finally decided to come after all?” Jungsoo sneers and I hold my breath. There it is. The proof that no matter how many years have passed, it’s still all accusations and problems and no one really knows anymore why the fights started in the first place. Kibum, however, remains calm and polite, one and all forced smiles that don’t show his teeth like his real smile does. I wonder, now that I see him, if it really matters that he wasn’t there, because even now I still want to get up and hug him to say hello.

“The acting schedule took longer than expected.” he answers our hyung calmly, before taking a seat in between Heechul and Donghae, whom he both greets with a short clasping of hands. I sigh as I recall my own greeting. It had been Jungsoo, Jongwoon and Donghae only back then, and they all shook my hand and patted my upper arm affectionately. It seems that the more people arrive, the less friendly and comfortable the atmosphere gets. I have a strange hunch that, when Hangeng enters, things will get even worse.

Yet I sit and sip from my lemonade and I silently wonder once again why we are here. There is hardly any talking, just faint whispering here and there between two people who aren’t (yet) set on killing each other. On my left, Siwon is talking to Heechul, on my right there is the empty space where Hangeng is supposed to sit later on. A small sigh escapes me, but it doesn’t take long for me to feel like being watched. When I look up, my eyes meet my ex-roommate’s a second time and the smile he sends me is much more warm and genuine than before. I smile back right when the door opens again.

Hangeng walks in. All smiles and hugs and happiness. He looks good, healthy, and he nearly chokes me in his hug, but I feel warm inside because he, at least, does not glare at anybody. He’s like a fresh, foreign breath of air in this room full of tensed up people whom, I have to admit, I hardly don’t know anymore. Everyone gets up when he passes to hug them and I see Kibum smiling his beautiful teeth-smile, Youngwoon grinning mischievously and Hyukjae finally showing off his gums again.

There’s a spark of life in me as the thought comes to mind that maybe, just maybe, there’s a chance that things might work out, but then Hangeng reaches Jungsoo’s chair and he doesn’t even bother to wait for the other to get up, for he seems to know the eldest won’t. Yet as he passes, he still brushes a hand over Jungsoo’s shoulder as a form of saying hi. I find it sad how Jungsoo doesn’t even do as much as shake it off, he simply ignores Hangeng as if he were no more than air.

“Jungsoo.” Heechul speaks up into the silence that is already bringing the room to a freezing point again. “You could at least say hi.” Jungsoo’s gaze jumps from his glass to Heechul and I can almost see the lightning bolts being shot at the other.

“Don’t give me that crap, Heechul. I say hi when I want to.” The dark pools that I called his eyes are even more black now, if that was ever humanly possible, and his voice is practically lethal as it cuts through the distance between him and the second oldest. “I’ve been taking your crap far long enough in the past anyway.” he then continues and the room seems to grow darker when Heechul scowls. I casually check my phone to see what time it is.

It is Sunday the fifteenth of January in the year 2018, thirteen minutes to midnight, when the bubble bursts and the wannabe happy scenery changes to a battle field.

Heechul jumps up, oblivious to Donghae’s hands trying to calm him down. Insults are shouted in every direction; from Heechul to Jungsoo, from Jungsoo to Hangeng, from Hangeng back to Jungsoo and from Jungsoo to Heechul. Then Kibum steps up against Jungsoo, siding with Hangeng and Heechul, but Youngwoon takes the eldest’s side and moments later Jongwoon does the same as well, because Jungsoo looks near breaking point.

I sit and drink my lemonade and wonder again why we are here and whose idea it was anyway. I casually throw a glance at them, but instead of angry men shouting insults and blaming each other, I only see the broken pieces of what once was our warm and loving family. I faintly wish I could pick them up and glue them back together, yet somehow there is a certain resentment in me towards this as well, because I gave up on them already, some seven years ago.

I still remember clearly the day we decided to disband. It wasn’t really a momentary inspiration, yet we also hadn’t talked it over for weeks and weeks. In fact, the atmosphere in the dorm had already been going down day by day in the near six months previous to our decision, so it was rather easy to leave. The choice was made by Hyukjae, Donghae and me when we were sitting in the kitchen together, listening to yet another argument going on between Heechul and Jungsoo.

It was when we heard a loud crash followed by very loud cursing, that we had enough. With a sigh, we pushed our glasses away from us and get up. Each of us went to our perspective room and started packing. Of course this went unnoticed, because we had all lived on our own island for months past and no one really cared anymore what the others did, as long as they showed up for schedules.

When we finished packing, we walked out with our tiny bags filled with the meagre amount of personal belongings we thought we really needed. We shared a hug, flashed each other a sad but knowing smile and then each set off to our own car, leaving towards home. The next day a phone call came from our manager and I told him the truth; there was no Super Junior anymore, unless Super Junior had come to stand for a bunch of strangers who couldn’t spend a day together without yelling.

The following months were filled with phone calls, e-mails and company conversations, but when the managers and the company’s directors saw the real situation between the bunch of us, they had no other choice but to agree with what I had told them, and soon it was publicly announced that Super Junior was no more. Fans wailed and cried, but I just sat at home and enjoyed my first peaceful days in months. The members were all put on different activities from acting to variety shows to solo singing projects, but more than half of us quit when our contracts ended. And that was the end of what was once so dear to me.

“Oh don’t even start your pathetic nonsense.” Heechul hisses and his voice makes the room grow even colder if that was even possible. My eyes wander over my surroundings. They are huddled together now, standing across from each other, glaring and huffing, their eyes trying to bore holes in their opponents. There are seemingly two groups; those who side with Jungsoo and those who side with Heechul, but I know those groups can just as easily break for no one really cares about no one anymore.

It’s then that Hyukjae decides to step up, all shyness and nervousness and soothing movements. “Hyungs.. Let’s calm down, shall we?” he asks, stepping in between them and softly trying to push Jungsoo away from Heechul a little. His eyes nervously dart from his one hyung to the other and I find so much of the old Hyukjae in him that my lips almost curl up in a smile. Almost.

“Keep out of this, Hyukjae. It’s none of your business.” Heechul says as he shoves the younger one completely out of his way. Jungsoo immediately takes the opportunity to point out how arrogant and egocentric he is. That’s when Donghae comes in the picture, walking up to Hyukjae and putting his arms around his friend to comfort him. Jungsoo notices him however, and immediately pulls him into the discussion with a quick ‘What do you think of this, Donghae?’

The next moment the discussion goes on, but only this time Donghae is a part of it. A very unwilling and helpless part. Both sides ask for his opinion at all times, but I know he loves both Jungsoo and Heechul too much to take sides, so he just stands there as questions get hurled at him and people demand him to take sides. I smile yet another one of my bitter smiles as I avert my eyes from the discussion, only to find my ex-roommate sitting in a corner of the room, shooting glares as sharp as daggers at the arguing people.

After another ten minutes of shouting, finger-pointing and cursing, Siwon finally gets up and walks towards them, hands raised, ready to try and calm down the group with his Bible quotes. I roll my eyes at his stupidity -because if Heechul doesn’t kill him over his Christianity in under ten minutes, now THAT would be a miracle- but I don’t have the will or feeling to get up and stop him. With a sigh I drink the last bit of my lemonade and put the glass back on the table, eyeing it a moment longer before averting my eyes to the ceiling.

A movement on my right makes me look up, only to see Hyukjae grabbing my hand and tugging it to get me to stand up. I frown, but do as he asks anyway, after which I get pulled out of the room. No one notices as we leaves, for they are all either arguing or watching those who argue. It’s silly, really, how a bunch of grown up men can make so much noise over nothing. I cast one last look at Donghae, who looks at me with a haunted expression on his face, but I know that I can’t help him.

Once outside of the gathering room that was booked for us to have our reunion in, I turn to Hyukjae again, only to find him with tears streaming over his cheeks. I feel the strange urge to smile, seeing how he really hasn’t changed much at all in seven years, but the other part of my brain works faster and in no time, I have taken two steps towards him and my arms slip around his waist effortlessly, as if I had been doing it all my life. In some way, I realise, that is kind of true.

Hyukjae cries, his face hidden against my chest. His bitter tears wet my T-shirt, but I can’t quite care about it as I rest my head against his and close my eyes. I can feel his arms slip around my middle, his hands gripping my T-shirt in an attempt to stop the tears, and I suddenly realise how it is years ago since I have last hugged a boy. When hugging this exact same person the day we parted, actually. I sigh softly at the memory and run my hand over his back once, twice, before pulling away a little.

“Hyukjae..” I try, but he just pulls me towards him again and I can only stand and hold him, letting his tears soak my T-shirt and his soft wails break my heart.

“This was such a stupid idea.” he murmurs, voice muffled by the fabric of my T-shirt pressed against his face. “Such a stupid idea.” He shakes his head a little and I can feel his hands slowly releasing their grip. “I shouldn’t have invited them. I knew how we parted, why would it have been any different after seven years? That’s too short of a time for grudges to leave, isn’t it? Seven years is like the blink of an eye, right? I shouldn’t have been such an idiot, wanting to get together one last time..”

I do put a distance in between us now as I push him back a little and try to lock eyes with him. “You organised this?” I ask and he nods. I feel how my mouth finally does curl up into a genuine smile and I slightly pat his shoulder. “It was a good initiative, hyung.” I tell him, the title tasting strange on my tongue. “They’re just a bunch of idiots for still continuing the argument after all these years. Then again.. I can’t really blame Jungsoo either, you know?”

I don’t need to look at him to know that he knows. He doesn’t have to nod to make it clear to me, because we all know. After years of holding back, Jungsoo’s patience ended, his restraint broke and two months after our disbanding he himself broke as well when both his parents died in a train crash, on their way to visit him to find out what exactly had gone wrong. He underwent two years of therapy to get his overworked nerves back to normal and to process their dead, but the kind, always smiling Jungsoo that we had once known never returned.

“How’s Jin Hee?” I ask, trying my best to change the subject. It obviously works, as his face brightens a little and he smiles lightly. “Is she doing fine? Are you two still happily married?” He nods and I can do nothing but smile.

“She’s doing well.” he replies, before his eyes dart up to my face. He cleans his face with the sleeve of his sweater and sighs. “Our child is to be born in two months.” he then adds. “I got a great offer as a dance teacher in Europe, we’re going to move to England next week. That’s why I wanted to gather one last time. I don’t think I’ll be coming back.” I realise that this is the exact reason why we had a reunion and somehow having come here doesn’t seem all that silly anymore.

With a sigh I walk towards the door that leads outside, pulling Hyukjae with me. We end up standing on the pavement, enjoying the night breeze that caresses our heated faces and watching one lonely car drive by. The street is filled with cars, all ours, parked at random spots. There is nothing else there, though, and I feel that it’s better that way. At least there’s no one around to see this miserable gathering of people who were supposed to be old friends.

From inside I can still hear the faint bickering, accusations that are thrown around the room, voices that are raised in anger. I can imagine Ryeowook, the eternal magnae, crying bitter tears even though he's angry and Donghae looking helpless as he's pushed around by all those that he cares about. I can imagine Shindong trying to calm down everyone by cracking a joke no one listens to and Sungmin sitting in a corner, not wordily participating in the fight, but shooting looks as poisonous and deadly as a snake's bite at those who are shouting so much and making Ryeowook cry.

I lift my head up at the night sky and stare at it for a while. There are no stars to be seen, even though the sky is clear, because the lights of the city are too bright. I sigh as I gaze up at that pool of black that looks comforting and calm behind all those street lights and it feels a lot like looking at what we once were. A group of brightly shining stars behind the spotlights of the heavy stage, strongly bound together by our fate and our friendship.

When I hear Hyukjae sigh, I turn to look at him, right as he looks at me and the moment our eyes lock, I can read in them so clearly what has been playing through my mind as well.

It's never going to be the same again.