Title: Shower Troubles (Or how Kyuhyun doesn't know how to clean a bathroom)
Characters: Kyuhyun, Donghae, OC
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 3.134
Summary: Kyuhyun's at a loss of why showers need to be cleaned and how.
A/N: This was mildly inspired by me cleaning the bathroom and wondering what it would be like if my brother had a try at it for once. It’s well over 3000 words of crack nonsense that makes no real particular sense. If you squint your eyes a little with the right lighting, you might find some romance in your peripheral view, even, but I’m not going to vouch for that.
Written for a lot of my friends, but also for those people out there who love Kyuhyun and need to get their heads fixed from that mental disease. This is for you guys. ♥
- - - - -
When Kyuhyun’s girlfriend leaves with some yells and banging doors, he isn’t really impressed. He’s had many girlfriends before her and there’s still a lot of girls out there to choose from so he doesn’t worry. It’s not like she’s irreplaceable.
He settles for some instant ramyun that evening, jamming in half an hour of overtime work in order to be done with it the next day before opening his game. It’s a normal evening and he doesn’t really notice his girlfriend’s gone. It really doesn’t feel like something’s missing in the house, in fact, he quite likes the silence and him being able to spend some time online in peace, without someone nagging about laundry and cleaning all the time.
The only female constant in his life is a girl called KimchiFly, or at least that’s her in game username, who he talks to on a regular basis. She’s cool, knows as much about games as he does and a little more about life. But at least she doesn’t push that knowledge in his face like it’s something he’s supposed to know as well.
theKyu: dangit I’m cold
KimchiFly: get a blanket
theKyu: I don’t even know where the blankets are
theKyu: or if I even have blankets
KimchiFly: put on the heater
theKyu: it’s broken
theKyu: I think they cut off my electricity
KimchiFly: then how does your internet still work?
theKyu: …
theKyu: good point
Four days into being single, he starts to miss decent meals and wonders why it seems like the bed is colder than it should be. He takes a moment to remember his girlfriend’s face only to realise he doesn’t remember it. He clearly remembers her voice, though, while that’s the thing he has always tried his best to block out while she was still around.
He goes out that evening, but every girl he chats with ends up being taken already or too uninterested when he mentions computers. The other half he doesn’t talk to is too drunk for his liking, so the fifth day he wakes up in the too cold bed that starts to get a little too big as well.
He starts to get really lonely when there’s a good program on the television that he wants to watch but his feet are freezing and there’s no one with nice, warm legs to press them again and no one makes him some tea.
The next day he moves his television to his room so that he can at least still talk to people online while he’s watching, that way it feels less lonely.
theKyu: how did we meet again?
KimchiFly: I failed at slaying a dragon, you did it for me
KimchiFly: then you told me you’d honour me with becoming my teacher in game
theKyu: oh yeah
theKyu: be honoured.
One month and a half after being dumped, he takes a shower and the water’s not going down the drain well. When he crouches down for a closer inspection, he finds there’s a lot more to showers than just water coming out of the sprayer and disappearing in the hole. Whatever that lot more is, is unclear to him still at this moment in time, but it sure as hell is dirty. He decides he doesn’t want to take a closer look, grabs a towel and leaves the bathroom to find some clothes.
theKyu: hey Kimch
KimchiFly: yeah?
theKyu: what do you know about showers?
KimchiFly: water comes out of them which you wash yourself with?
KimchiFly: what kind of question is this?
KimchiFly: are you drunk again?
theKyu: never mind
…
theKyu: I only had one beer today, by the way
By the time he’s two months into being single, he craves for some decent food, so he decides to give Donghae a call. His hyung gladly drags him out to ‘some cheap place, but they have the best pizza ever, you have to try this, Kyu’ where he shoves two pizzas with undistinguishable toppings down his throat.
Donghae talks a lot and Kyuhyun pretends to listen while he plans some new gaming strategies, but by the end of the evening he realises again why he only ever goes out with Donghae when there’s someone else around to keep him entertained. There’s too much life to his hyung for him to handle. He prefers a silent drink, an occasional word or two, but the continuous stream of words that comes out of Donghae’s mouth is too hard to block out.
To: Girlfriend
From: Kyuhyun
- - - - - - - - - -
Baby, I miss you, why did you leave?
To: Asshole ex-bf
From: Girlfriend
- - - - - - - - - -
Oh, after three months you finally noticed I’m gone?
Fuck you, Kyuhyun, I hope you die.
“Hyung what the hell is wrong with my shower?” He nags at Donghae over the phone one day. (talking to him over the phone is safer, he can just hang up when he gets tired of the other’s rambles and pretend the line went dead the next time they talk)
“What do you mean what’s wrong with it?” Donghae asks, obvious confusion in his voice.
“The water’s not running through well and there’s no water coming out of a few holes of the sprayer where it is supposed to come out!” He complains and Donghae sighs on the other side of the line.
“Clean it, Kyuhyun, it’s dirty,” he then says and Kyuhyun wants to curse at him, because really, he didn’t notice that yet! Note the sarcasm.
“Well why the hell is it dirty!?” He almost yells, but Donghae remains calm. Of course Donghae remains calm. He deals with dirty showers and toilets daily, working part time as a concierge in some nearby sporting hall because he needs the money. Kyuhyun needs the money too, but he at least found a decent job that suits his style; research and development at some high tech electronics company.
“Showers do that, Kyuhyun,” Donghae explains meanwhile, something Kyuhyun almost misses because he’s too busy cursing at the other in his mind. “When you use them for a while and don’t clean them they get dirty. You have to clean it.”
“But I never had to in the past!” Kyuhyun protests, five seconds before he realises Donghae’s using an didactic tone to him.
“What do you think your girlfriends did while you were flirting with other girls online?”
He hangs up on Donghae, promises himself not to talk to him for the next month or so and gets back to gaming. It’s just dirt, he tells himself, he can live with it.
There’s no way he’s going to pay someone to get the shower back to how it should be, so he takes his book with addresses one day, set on digging up someone useful. He starts flipping through the pages, finding names he doesn’t even remember anymore after so many years. There’s some names he does remember, though, and he jots them down on a paper. Everyone’s worth a try, he figures, even that fat one from a few years ago. She wasn’t fat when he dated her, but since then has grown quite a few extra kilos. He knows this because she e-mailed him that one day. As if it was his fault and he wanted to do something about it.
He also finds a post it with a number and Call me! written below it. He figures it must be someone that is okay with just a one evening thing, or else they wouldn’t leave post its, so he decides to give the number a try.
To: 0945832934
From: Kyuhyun
- - - - - - - - - -
Hey, it’s been a while. Want to meet up?
To: Kyuhyunnie
From: 0945832934
- - - - - - - - - -
Oh baby you’re right, it’s been too long!
I asked your appa and we can meet you this weekend.
Should we come to your apartment?
To: Mom x___x
From: Kyuhyun
- - - - - - - - - -
I’m sorry mom, something just came up.
Maybe another time.
Tell dad I said hi.
He doesn’t touch numbers without names anymore after that. He does, however, try numbers that do have names and one of them is a girlfriend that he remembers from roughly a year and a half ago. He counts back and figures she must have been like girlfriend number somewhere in the twenty. Her name was Baek Jan Di or something like that. He remembers her because she made the most delicious chicken fried rice he has ever tasted in his life. So he decides to send her a text, but doesn’t really know how to go about the making up thing. They didn’t part in the friendliest of moods.
To: Jan Di
From: Kyuhyun
- - - - - - - - - -
Hey you. :) I’m sorry we lost contact. I suffered from cancer for the past year, but I’m better now. Want to meet up?
To: Kyuhyun wtf?
From: Jan Di
- - - - - - - - -
I’m sorry to hear that. I wish I had known so I could have come by and show you how much I don’t give a shit. My boyfriend would love to get introduced to you properly, though.
Microwave chicken fried rice isn’t all too bad either, he decides. He’s not THAT desperate for a clean shower anyway.
He’s well past half of the ex-girlfriends on his list -all having given him disappointing answers which were...well, disappointing- when he grows tired of the whole thing and decides to do it himself. He walks into the bathroom, breathes in the distinct smell of a room that hasn’t been entered or decently cleaned in a month and walks right back out.
Four months after the break up, he grows tired of washing his hair above the kitchen sink (he feels cleaner that way than when he showers) so he invites Donghae to go swimming. They swim a few lengths (or Donghae does, he stays in the shallow part and tries to remember what swimming was like again - paddle your hands, stamp your feet?) and then go for the showers. He takes a long shower, washing himself from head to toe, and takes his time to dry his hair adequately before he leaves the building. Donghae says nothing about it, but he’s giving Kyuhyun judging looks that are ignored. Kyuhyun hasn’t felt so clean and fresh in weeks.
KimchiFly: you should clean your apartment
theKyu: my apartment is fine
KimchiFly: I bet it’s covered in dust, except for that square metre your desk chair is on
theKyu: as if you know what my apartment looks like
…
KimchiFly: you use a vacuum cleaner to clean the house
KimchiFly: just so you know
theKyu: wtf? I didn’t ask anything
KimchiFly: but you WERE wondering
KimchiFly: you’re welcome for telling you
theKyu: you’re such an ass >.>
KimchiFly: love you too <3
Cinderella: u 2 r so married
theKyu: stop creeping on our conversations rella
“Donghae,” he exclaims once the other picks up and he swears he can hear a sigh on the other end.
“I’m not going swimming with you again unless you’re actually going to swim, Kyuhyun.” Donghae tells him before he can even get to the point of the conversation. “Besides I have a girlfriend now. I don’t have time to jump at your every whim.” Kyuhyun’s offended, at the very least.
“What? What are you talking about, I wasn’t calling you to go swimming. How ridiculous would that be? We just went t-” Suddenly he realises what else has been said to him. “Wait. You have a girlfriend? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I did, about.. Let me count..two weeks ago. That time when you accidentally texted me instead of whoever you wanted to coax into having wine at your place.” Donghae explains, seeming bored with him. He huffs, but doesn’t go further into it. That was a rather embarrassing experience after all.
“Anyway,” he therefore changes the subject. “I wasn’t calling you about swimming. I wanted to know what stuff you use to clean those .. things you clean.”
“You what?” Donghae sounds genuinely surprised, and then ruins it a little more when he starts spouting nonsense. “You want to clean? Are you sure? Did you hit your head? Is the hygiene police holding a gun against your head telling you to clean? Did an alien take over your mind?”
“I want to make sure whoever is going to clean for me will have the right things to clean with. Just tell me hyung!” He protests and Donghae sighs, but at least obliges.
Five months into the life of a single man, he wanders into the bathroom, fully equipped with a mouth mask, rubber gloves, a cleaning towel, two bottles of lime out (the names people come up with for things lately) and a bucket with warm water. He walks over to the little sink first, but changes his mind halfway and goes for the shower. His first problem is to somehow get the draining hole free again, so he leans down once he reaches it, only to get back up and almost choke on his own coughing.
His next attempt is better coordinated. First he puts the bucket down, then the bottles of lime out. He kneels down next to his shower (it takes about four minutes before he gets over the fact that it’s all hairy and dusty there) and gives the draining hole another close inspection. He reaches out for it, but stops moments later, stares at it once more and then gets up, fleeing the bathroom.
KimchiFly: I went to the troll cave once
KimchiFly: instant death for sure
theKyu: I swear
Cinderella: so I shouldn’t go there?
Cinderella: hey Kyu
theKyu: showers are the spawn of hell
Cinderella: you still nagging about those showers?
Cinderella: dude get a grip
theKyu: shut up, rella
KimchiFly: no Cin, better don’t go there
KimchiFly: try the Rockfields
KimchiFly: hey kyu
KimchiFly: what did the shower do this time
theKyu: nothing!
theKyu: it’s still the same!
theKyu: it still smells
theKyu: and keeps being dirty
theKyu: tried cleaning it
theKyu: but seriously.. yuck
theKyu: how can anyone stand that?
Cinderella: that’s why they hire cleaning ladies
theKyu: but the shower’s supposed to be clean!
theKyu: and now you tell me I should pay someone to make it how it’s SUPPOSED TO BE?
Cinderella: welcome to life
theKyu: oh go diaf
Two days later he’s back at the shower, face mask and gloves on again, but this time armed with a pair of chopsticks as well. He sits as far away as he possibly can, stretching out his arm to the furthest and carefully picking at the hair that is cluttering the hole. When he finally gets hold of it, he pushes it up, only to stare in horror as he sees the glue-y white bits in between and even some smelly water still dripping off. Moments later he’s running out of the bathroom as fast as he can, trying hard not to throw up in the middle of his hallway.
To: Hae
From: Kyuhyun
- - - - - - - - - -
I’m going to kill myself. It was nice knowing you, Hae.
To: Kyu
From: Donghae
- - - - - - - - - -
Even in your last text not calling me hyung? I’m disappointed.
Why so melodramatic, though?
To: Hae
From: Kyuhyun
- - - - - - - - - -
HOW THE HELL DO I CLEAN A BATHROOM?
To: Kyu
From: Donghae
- - - - - - - - - -
Seriously?
To: Kyu
From: Donghae
- - - - - - - - - -
Seriously!?
To: Kyu
From: Donghae
- - - - - - - - - -
SERIOUSLY?
To: Kyu
From: Donghae
- - - - - - - - - -
You’re weak man. It’s just a shower.
You kill ogre trolls for breakfast.
To: Hae
From: Kyuhyun
- - - - - - - - - -
Shut up.
I hate you.
I hope you die.
He’s devastated, considers moving just so he can have a clean bathroom again, but then who would buy an apartment with a dirty bathroom? (and honestly, everything else is dirty too) He’s flicking paper balls at his television screen on which some dude is explaining the things going wrong in the world. He’s not gaming because Kimchi isn’t on and he’s pretty sure that if he has to listen to Cinderella’s complaints for even five minutes, he’s going to grab a gun and kill him – guild member or not.
Suddenly the doorbell rings.
“Hey Kyuhyun. I’m here to clean your bathroom.” some girl says, all smiles and happy waves, taking a step inside and hugging his neck for a moment. He can only stare, watching her as she lets go again. She looks at him as if she expects him to say something but he’s too busy figuring out if he’s awake or dreaming to notice. “You okay?” she then asks, feeling his forehead, which is probably the moment when he snaps back to reality.
He looks at her again, really looks at her, and there’s a sense of familiarity, so he starts counting back faces of his ex-girlfriends, trying to see if she’s in that row as well. He keeps counting and counting, until he stops all the way back at number one, when he was seventeen and she was eighteen and she took his hand and pulled him in for his very first kiss. He remembers three sunny months, before they had to part and go to college.
“What is this?” he finally manages to blurt out, blinking at her rather awkwardly. “How did you know where I live? Why do you think my bathroom needs cleaning?” She laughs, pricks a finger in his nose and easily walks past him, finding her way to his bathroom as if she’s been living in the apartment all her life. He stumbles after her to see what she’s up to.
“Who do you think you’ve been nagging at about it for the past six months?” she tells him happily. He stops when he realises what she just said, mouth agape and staring.
“Kimch?” he then questions, disbelief in his voice. Moments later her head pops out from the bathroom again, signature wide grin that he knows so well plastered on her face as she blows a kiss at him and disappears again.
“The one and only.”
No comments:
Post a Comment