Characters: Hyukjae, Zhou Mi, Donghae, Heechul, Kibum, Siwon
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 3.314
Summary: They're trying to find the lesser one of all evils
A/N: So this is a story I started writing after reading one of my friend's newest fics. It inspired me to write abstract, vague stuff and this is what came out of that. The title comes from the song I've been listening to non-stop to write this; Dare you to move by Switchfoot. Aside from that I have nothing to say about this. I strangely love the story, especially the ending, which came out after reading one of Tablo's stories. ^^ I wish to warn my readers for character death. Nothing explicitly gross or anything, but people die. That is life.
- - - - -
The world is a dark place.
Literally.
To some it’s normal, they don’t know any better. To others it’s a sign of how much the world has changed since they were born.
He’s one of those that don’t have a clue.
But Heechul, Heechul speaks of wondrous scenes and abstract things like rainbows, or a shiny yellow orb called the sun.
It’s a dark world, but there’s still dreams and if you really want, you can make it big. Or at least that’s what they tell themselves when they lie awake in bed until late at night, trying to act like it’s not all bad and gruesome.
He usually fails at that.
\/\/\/\/\/
It’s a dark Friday morning when they gather at the corner of the school building, Siwon bringing a few cigarettes, Donghae holding up the lighter he stole from his parents, Hyukjae taking the first drag. Zhou Mi just stands next to Hyukjae and looks at them. His expression is slightly judging, but he doesn’t say a word about it. They all know they’re doing something bad anyway.
“So what are the plans for the long weekend?” Donghae asks and he blows the cigarette smoke back out as he talks. It crinkles up into the air, becoming invisible to their eyes not long after.
They all shrug in reply to the question. There obviously are no plans.
“We could go somewhere together?” Hyukjae suggests. They pretend to think about it, but the answer is clear already. It’s always yes. What else would they do with their time?
“Hang out at the Monster?” Siwon adds like an afterthought and the other two nod in unison.
/\/\/\/\/\
“Yo, Siwon, Hae, what have you two been up to? Haven’t seen you around lately!” It’s Youngwoon who walks up to them, wraps them in manly hugs and pats their backs rather harshly. Hyukjae is ignored, but he’s used to that. In this world of back alley clubs and spotlights his friends are more famous than he is. It’s not always clear if he cares about it or not.
“Been here and there, nothing much,” Siwon replies to their friend, tough grin on his face. These are their images, the parts they need to play in the theatre that is their lives. Siwon is the tough one, the one who beats up anyone that even dares to touch them. He’s growing more and more into that image lately. “What about you, hyung? Beat up some more people lately?” He laughs, Youngwoon laughs, Donghae does too. Hyukjae stays a little in the background. Zhou Mi didn’t even bother coming.
Zhou Mi is worth even less than Hyukjae in this scenery. He does not fight people, nor does he look angry or scary. Zhou Mi is the lamb of the underground world. You can’t find anyone more innocent than him in the world they live in.
But Siwon is not the only tough one. Donghae is Siwon’s right hand, in some way of speaking. Donghae doesn’t hit people, nor does he have that tough smile, but when he stares at someone long enough, they’ll leave anyway. No one wants to get Donghae angry.
It’s not exactly the fact that Donghae looks scary when he’s angry, or that he has killed someone in the past. What scares them is that he has never been angry before in a world where being angry is the new breathing. There’s nothing to win with kindness. One has to be hard and tough to survive, is what they say.
Donghae is not at all, but only Hyukjae knows this. Not even Siwon does.
\/\/\/\/\/
“Yah you bastard, try saying that again with my fist in your face!” the tall, well-built man yells at him. Hyukjae merely looks back, eyes ever so cold. Usually he’s not the one to impress people, but there’s a certain absence of fear about him at that moment that makes his opponent hesitate. And hesitation is all it takes in the world they live in.
“I shall repeat myself; you’re a dickhead and you should stay the fuck away from my friends.” Hyukjae speaks then, voice icy, eyes still piercing into the other’s. They stand like that for a moment, before the guy who’s probably twice Hyukjae’s size relaxes and leaves.
Hyukjae calmly turns to the person he just saved then, reaching out a hand and helping the other up. “You alright?” he asks, getting a short nod in reply. The guy he saved is about half a head taller than him, doesn’t look like he’s familiar with the underground life, and smiles with so much innocence still it’s hard to think he’s lived in the same world as them for his whole life.
“You didn’t have to do that.” he speaks once he’s standing steady, voice a kind of caramel smooth with a rough edge to it. “I could’ve taken him on my own.” Hyukjae eyes the other in a scrutinising way, eyes wandering over the smooth face and unharmed skin, before he nods shortly and pulls his hand out of the gentle grip.
“Don’t get yourself in trouble again, okay? The streets are no place for people like you. You’d better stay inside the city walls.” he replies uninterestedly, turning away and walking off. But the stranger calls after him and he stops to look back.
“When I said I could’ve taken him on my own, I meant it. But thanks anyway, Hyukjae-ssi. When you need help one day, I’ll be the one to rescue you instead.” the boy speaks, pulling something out of his back pocket and throwing it at Hyukjae. It’s a pocket knife, the name ‘Kibum’ engraved in it. “Show this to someone important when you need help. People know where to find me.”
There’s a nod, a glimpse of a smirk and then Kibum turns around and walks away, disappearing into some back alley as he goes. Hyukjae is left staring after him, wondering how the hell that guy knows his real name.
/\/\/\/\/\
“Remember the days when the world was brighter?” Heechul asks one day, something lighting up his eyes, but he shakes his head to that. The elder snorts, before sighing. “Yeah.. No one does.” he speaks then, smiling and lifting a hand to ruffle his hair. “No one does..” he repeats, but the light has left his eyes again.
He watches his hyung often, sitting in the chair close to Heechul’s bed, looking at how the light flashes on his pale skin. There’s so many emotions that Heechul hides. They’re all hiding something, so it’s nothing very surprising, but to him it feels like Heechul doesn’t specifically try to hide anything, his emotions just happen to not be visible to others.
\/\/\/\/\/
One day Donghae takes a punch for Hyukjae. The fist is supposed to hit Hyukjae unconscious, but instead Donghae jumps in the way, taking it with his back and slamming into the ground. There’s a moment in which everyone stares at the boy on the ground, but then the attacker realises what he’s done and everyone runs as fast as they can.
Hyukjae crouches down in the blink of an eye, rolls his friend over and looks straight at Donghae’s bleeding nose and scraped forehead. The angle of the street light creates shadows under Donghae’s eyes that reflect how little sleep he's had over the past weeks.
Siwon rages at everyone who remains in a too close proximity with them and deals a few punches to people he knows relate to the guy who hit Donghae. Hyukjae watches it with empty eyes as he helps Donghae sit up and wipes the little pieces of gravel off of his friend’s face. He vaguely wonders if Siwon would have reacted like that too if he were the one to take the punch, but drops the idea before it can bring him pain.
When Hyukjae arrives at school the next morning, Zhou Mi’s applying disinfectant on Donghae’s forehead, while Donghae stares at the tall boy in faked annoyance, pretending to be tough. Zhou Mi makes sure he’s done before Siwon arrives.
/\/\/\/\/\
“Where were you this weekend?” Siwon demands to know and Hyukjae frowns but remains silent, because they never ask questions about the others’ whereabouts. It’s an unwritten rule. “I asked you a question.” Siwon states then, expression darkening. Hyukjae just keeps staring, until the fist comes at him seemingly out of nowhere. He darts out of reach before it can hit him, taking his hands out of his pockets to defend himself if necessary and looking at Siwon in genuine surprise.
“Since when is it any of your business what I do with my weekends?” he asks, voice cold, some of that life in his eyes that surprises Siwon. They are not used to fire and fighting spirit. People are dull, people are tired, people are just trying to end up in the lesser one of all the evils. Hyukjae is starting to look more and more like he’s willing to live and it unsettles Siwon. Donghae merely stays out of it.
Zhou Mi just stands a little aside and looks at them judgingly. He always does.
\/\/\/\/\/
“Forests were very pretty places. When I was younger my parents would take me on long walks through the forests and I’d play in the mud or chase after wild animals.”
It sounds like a fairytale to him, but Heechul is obviously lost in memories, smiling for once without that hint of regret. It makes him smile too as he runs his fingers through his hair and settles into the chair a little better. He wants to ask something more about those forests and what they looked like, but Heechul’s fallen asleep again, his breathing even.
/\/\/\/\/\
“What the hell do you think you’re doing!?” Siwon hisses, and Donghae tightens his grip on the taller man’s wrist. Siwon doesn’t even try to struggle, he just glares. Hyukjae ignores the hatred seeping out of every part of Siwon’s body. Zhou Mi stands next to them with hurt in his eyes and pleading looks that for some reason keep going to Hyukjae and not to Siwon, as if he’s more scared of what the first will do than of Siwon’s anger.
“Like I said.” Hyukjae states calmly. “I’m talking to one of my acquaintances.” He turns around again then, completely disregarding anything that might be said to him from then on as he walks back to Hangeng - probably one of Siwon’s biggest enemies in the underground scene.
The next thing they know, Siwon throws himself forward and it takes both Donghae, Zhou Mi and two of Hangeng’s friends to stop the fight that ensues. Hyukjae comes out with several bleeding wounds and a look in his eyes that speaks of nothing but disappointment. Siwon realises that whatever he has been seeing in Hyukjae’s eyes for the past weeks, has finally made it further than just his eyes. Hyukjae is no longer the gullible kid they got to know him as.
\/\/\/\/\/
Sitting in the back of a truck, they look out over a never-ending road that seems to fly by. An endless stream of asphalt and building ruins on the side. Hyukjae’s silent, arms wrapped around his knees that he pulled up against his chest. Zhou Mi’s sitting next to him, head having slouched to the side in his sleep. There’s no one else with them, no Donghae or Siwon, just the two of them.
It doesn’t take long for Zhou Mi to wake up, a bump in the road making him open his eyes in a flash. He looks around drowsily and tries to remember what he’s doing in the car. When he finally does, he stares at the passing road with empty eyes.
“Why are we here?” he asks after a moment of silence, and Hyukjae turns to look at him.
“I don’t know. I wanted to get out of there. Don’t you ever want to get out of that place? It’s all lifeless and dark.” he speaks, making Zhou Mi smile mirthlessly.
“The whole world is dark.” he says, but they both knew that already anyway. “Why did you take me along?” he adds then.
“Because you’re not.” Hyukjae smiles, something in his eyes that reminds Zhou Mi of life.
“I’m not what?” he inquires, trying to understand what his friend is talking about.
“You’re not dark, Mi, not lifeless.” Hyukjae replies then, turning to look at him and smiling still. “You’re alive and you’re hoping to make your life better than what it is now. None of us tries to do that. We just go with how things are. Smoking, drinking, fighting. You do none of that. You smile so genuinely and people call you a moron for it, but you don’t care. You just keep smiling. I don’t want you to have to live in that dark place.”
Zhou Mi hears things between the sentences that Hyukjae can’t bear to say out loud and he easily wraps an arm around the other’s shoulders, allowing Hyukjae to lean into the touch.
/\/\/\/\/\
Sometimes he asks himself if he could draw a circle on the wall and walk through it. Heechul says anything is possible as long as you believe in it. Reality says it’s a solid stone wall, you can’t walk through that, and if you do try anyway you’ll have a headache. He likes Heechul’s way of thinking more, but still abides by reality’s words, because that is what he lives in.
“Not everything comes flying into your arms.” Heechul tells him, voice having grown hoarser throughout the years they’ve known each other. “But some things do even when you don’t want them to. You can try to outrun something like that, but in the end it’ll catch up with you and you’ll be stuck with it. Life is not a playground. It has become a battlefield.”
He smiles without happiness, runs his fingertips over the armrest of his chair and tries to imagine possible scenarios for every single crack in it. Heechul says something more, but it is in that language he doesn’t understand so he doesn’t listen to it. When he looks up several moments later, Heechul is looking at him with a distant expression on his face. He understands what is being said to him without hearing any words.
\/\/\/\/\/
“Why didn’t you ask Donghae to come instead of me?” Zhou Mi asks him one day as they sit at the kitchen table eating their instant noodles. The Chinese man’s dark hair is tied into a small ponytail on the back of his head, his dark eyes peering at Hyukjae with a wisdom in them that is beyond his age. He clicks his chopsticks together in front of the other’s face when there’s no immediate response and smiles teasingly. “How often do I have to tell you no to sleep with your eyes open? Eat your food before it’s cold.”
Hyukjae blinks at that, consciously looks at his friend then, and tries to smile back. He fails awkwardly at it. “Donghae...” he speaks in a soft voice when Zhou Mi does not look away. “He cares about Siwon too much. He wouldn’t leave his hyung to go with me.” There’s a sad touch to Hyukjae’s smile, but Zhou Mi knows it’s not because Donghae doesn’t want to come along with him, but because he chooses to live in an environment he’s not made for just so he can be with the one he admires. Hyukjae regrets that Donghae can’t live like they’re doing.
/\/\/\/\/\
They start to fall into a lifestyle that feels foreign to them, yet is normal for everyone else around them. Finishing up their studies, going to school every day and coming home to either cook dinner or eat what the other has prepared. The one home first makes the food is the golden rule, except for during the weekends, when they mostly just order in. It’s a comfortable existence they have and it works out even after university when they both get a job.
It all changes halfway into their first year of work, when a dark letter is sent by mail. The name on the back is not familiar to Zhou Mi, a certain man with the surname Kim, but Hyukjae pales a little upon seeing it and refuses to even look at it. Zhou Mi is not allowed to touch it either and he doesn’t because it’s addressed to Hyukjae not him. The next day the letter disappears and Hyukjae doesn’t talk about it anymore. That weekend, Zhou Mi wakes up in the middle of the night to a crying Hyukjae on the kitchen floor.
He wraps an arm around the other, pulls the lifeless body against his and hugs it. Hyukjae’s body trembles with soundless sobs, his tears seeming unending. He cries until well past five in the morning and Zhou Mi sits with him, holds him, comforts him. When Hyukjae stops crying, he holds him a little more, until trembling fingers bring a crumbled paper into view. When it unfolds, Zhou Mi read one thing only but needs no more.
‘Lee Donghae’ it says in dark, mysterious font that speaks of endings and silence. Hyukjae doesn’t talk for a whole week and when he finally says something during dinner the next Monday, he pretends nothing happened. Zhou Mi doesn’t try to force reality onto him.
\/\/\/\/\/
They sit on the balcony one day, looking out over the streets where cars pass by occasionally. Hyukjae hums a song that sounds distantly familiar. It fills them with melancholy.
“How did you get us here?” Zhou Mi asks at some point. “Where did the truck come from that took us?”
“I got help from a friend.” Hyukjae states, staring into the distance. He’s clutching something in his hands that looks like a pocket knife with slight writing on it.
/\/\/\/\/\
“Do you think I will ever see the sun, hyung?” he asks and Heechul smiles.
“Maybe.. But you shouldn’t hope for too much.” the elder replies, always honest, never giving hope when there is nothing to hope for. He smiles as well then, nodding slightly.
“I guess so.” he replies. Heechul nods too, then closes his eyes. He’ll probably fall asleep again soon.
He looks outside the window at the sky covered in clouds and the streets filled with kids trying to pick the lesser one out of all the evils. He tells himself he tried his best for them, that there’s nothing he can do about it. Even his mind doesn’t believe him when he remembers the grave of an innocent young man who was full of life but chose to die for someone he didn’t even know.
When he looks up at Heechul, the elder is not breathing anymore. He smiles a bitter smile and gets up, pulling the blanket over Heechul’s face. He mumbles something that might or might not be a prayer and walks out of the hospital room to tell a nurse.
\/\/\/\/\/
One day the news speaks of possibilities that the sky might clear enough above their city to catch a glimpse of the sun. The next day they say the assumption was wrong. No hopes are crushed because no one bothers to hope for these things anymore.
The next week the sky does clear above their city and everyone stays inside because they’re afraid to get burned. Hyukjae goes to the park and stares at the sun all day. Zhou Mi sits next to him with an umbrella shielding him from the sunlight, watching the trees’ shadows wave on the ground. When they go home in the evening, Hyukjae sees black spots everywhere and they laugh when he walks into a street light for the third time.
It sounds foreign even to their own ears, but they do it again the fourth time as well.
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