[FIC] It's Complicated

Title: It's Complicated
Characters: Kibum, OC, SJ
Rating: PG
Chaptercount: 31/36
Summary: Soojin meets a guy who turns her world upside down but then there's a few dozen others as well.
A/N: This is one of my most beloved novels (not that I wrote THAT many, but still) and I think I will forever cherish the characters in this. This story also helped me shape my view on the different members and is the first of few stories in which I used first person.

- - - - -

Donghae got out the soccer ball again and toyed a little with it in his hands as we took a seat on the bleachers. I sat down next to him, remaining silent as I wondered why exactly he stayed behind with me. I didn’t need to wait long for him to start a conversation, though, which was expected from an overactive guy like him.

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with us lately.” he said, looking up at me. “And now your other friends came to join us even. Did something happen between you and the other guys?” I was able to look back for four seconds before I averted my eyes to the ground.

“No, nothing happened. I just like spending time with you.” I replied, feeling a sting inside because of lying about nothing having happened. I heard a soft sound next to me and when I looked up, I saw he was smiling a particularly happy smile.

“That’s nice. We like to spend time with you too, but now we at least have a chance to do so.” he chuckled. I smiled back at him.

“Yes. Apparently I am a widely demanded product.” I joked, causing him to laugh. His full-out laugh was very loud and carefree, a sound that seemed to make me feel a bit happier as well. I looked at him with a smile on my face, until I felt the urge to say something more. “Can I have a hug?” My question caught him off guard and he stared at me for a long moment, before recovering and smiling brightly again.

“Of course! Why do you even ask! Hugging is even better than chocolate!” he exclaimed. I couldn’t help laughing softly at the comparison.

“It’s just that some people are not that fond of sudden physical contact. Like the first time I came here and you hugged me out of nowhere. That kind of surprised me.” I explained to him. He grinned sheepishly, looking away from me as well in embarrassment.
“Oh.. Well.. Sorry.. I’m an easy hugger.” he then apologised, scratching the back of his head, a move that made me chuckle.

“Don’t worry. I got over being assaulted by some random dude a long time ago already.” I said in a joking tone, trying to ease his uncomfortable feeling. It seemed to work, because he sent me a happy grin and opened his arms in an obvious invitation. I scooted a little closer and gave him a short hug, letting go again already after a few seconds. He gave me a pout, which caused me to frown in surprise.

“Is that all I get?” he asked me with a slightly amused expression. I should’ve been smart then and taken my distance, but I didn’t, and before I knew it, he had closed the distance between us and kissed me. It was a soft pressing of lips against lips, sweet and so different from kissing Heechul; no cigarettes or alcohol, no strange positions, just an enjoyable kiss. Enjoyable.. Kiss.. With Donghae.. The moment the still conscious part of my brain followed up on that trail of thoughts, I realised what I was doing; kissing someone who was not my boyfriend.

I pulled away immediately, eyes wide in shock as the hard truth of the whole event carved itself into my brain. I saw flashes of my memories about Heechul kissing me and I could already imagine Kibum’s disappointed and hurt expression when I told him about both events - because obviously I could not keep something like that from him any longer, it would be downright evil. As I jumped up from the bleachers, looking around to find a reason for me to pull away so suddenly, Donghae just gave me a surprised look, obviously wondering what had gotten into me all of a sudden. I panicked slightly, but then realised that I should just tell him the truth, so I turned to him and tried to compose myself before speaking.

“Donghae, I’m so sorry, but I can’t..” I started rattling. “I have a boyfriend, actually, and I know I should have told you, but instead I just kept giving you the wrong signals. I’m very sorry. I really like you and I feel attracted to you, but I should never have let it gotten this far. I should have told you from the start. Please don’t think this is your fault. I’m very sorry. I will leave first.” I quickly turned around, grabbed my bag and fled the soccer field as fast as I could. I wasn’t able to run far, though, because before I reached the edge of the field, he had caught up with me, putting a hand on my shoulder to hold me back.

“Jin.” he said, coming to stand in front of me. “Please don’t run away. I am very sorry. If I had known you had a boyfriend, I would never have tried to get closer to you. You didn’t give the wrong signals, because I never thought you saw me as more than just a friend, but I just had to give it a shot.” He let go of me and took a step back. “Let’s just forget about all this and go on like nothing happened. Can we do that? I don’t want you to lose more friends because of me.”

He was looking at me with a pleading look and all I could do was nod, fighting hard against the tears that threatened to flood my eyes. I swallowed a few times and nodded again, just to not look like a complete idiot. Before Donghae could say more, I sidestepped him and started walking again, not really knowing where I was going to. He caught my wrist in his grip after I had only taken two steps and sent me an unsure smile. “I’ll bring you home?”

The walk to the car and the whole drive to my house went by in an awkward silence. I was thinking about how to explain both events to my boyfriend, and Donghae was probably waiting for me to talk to him first, so no one said a word. Once at my house, I said goodbye with a short ‘I’ll see you tomorrow, Hae.’ and then left. I spent the rest of the evening pondering and trying to find a way to undo the past six days, but of course there was no such thing, so I went to bed with the crappy feeling that I had a terrible confession coming up, because there was nothing I could do or say to make things better.

The next day already brought up the unwanted subject, signalling the beginning of the end. I had fled from Kibum for far too long by then, of course, so that Friday, I was almost immediately caught in his embrace the moment I got out of my car. He told me he missed me, which first made me smile warmly, but then brought the intense feeling of guilt back again. I managed to pry myself out of his grip with the excuse that I needed to get to class, but he didn’t let me leave until I had promised to spend some time with him after classes.

Because of that, my day passed in another haze of guilt and what-should-I-do-now. I did spend some time with the soccer game again in between my few classes, but even though Donghae acted like nothing had happened between us -except for maybe keeping a slight bit more distance- I didn’t feel comfortable anymore - which was mostly because I was simply feeling uncomfortable in general. Yet anything was better than having to face Kibum, of course, but sadly enough that was also inevitable.

So there I was, at around 4 PM that Friday, sitting at the side of the basketball court, with Kibum’s arms around my middle. We shared some dilly-dallies and sat quietly snuggled together, sharing a quite peaceful moment together, which had really been a long time ago. I tried my best to stay unsuspicious and normal, but was having a hard time trying to keep smiling and receiving his love without cringing away from it. At a certain moment, I decided to pop the question that had been occupying my mind for a while by then.

“I want to ask you something.” I mumbled, looking up at him. He looked down at me as well and smiled.

“Ask away.” he then said. “You know I’ll try to answer everything truthfully.”

“That girl Jongwoon told us about.. The one you liked about a year ago.. Did anything ever happen between you two? Did you confess to her?” I hesitated a little as I talked, but decided in the end to ask it anyway.

“I did.. But only after a long time.” he replied, immediately catching on to what I was talking about. I was glad he didn’t feel awkward talking about her, because I was pretty sure that talking about a previous love with your current one must be rather hard.

“Did she.. I don’t know.. Accept your confession?” I wondered. He smiled a bright smile and nodded. I bit my lower lip, wondering if I should ask my question or not. In the end I decided I couldn’t back down at this point, so I went straight on with it. “How long were the two of you together?” A soft chuckle came from Kibum and he pulled me a little closer against him.

“Actually I don’t know.” he said, sounding amused.

“You don’t know? How can you not know how long you were together with your girlfriend?” I blurted out in shock. He laughed, making me frown and eye him suspiciously. He obviously was up to something. He leaned in to press a soft kiss on my cheek before replying, however, which caused a flash of guilt to surge through me and make me bite my own tongue to keep myself from running away.

“Because we haven’t broken up yet.” he said. I immediately snapped my head towards him and stared at him with big eyes.

“You have two g-” I started, but then the meaning of his words got through to me. “That was me?” I therefore changed my question, pointing a finger at myself and staring at him in disbelief. He chuckled and then pulled me closer so he could muzzle his nose against my cheek.

“Silly Jinnie.” he whispered, causing me to feel an icy coldness take over my body. The feeling of having betrayed him grew in me and I almost couldn’t stand acting like I deserved his arms around me. I felt horrible, the images of Heechul and Donghae flashing through my mind. Apparently I tensed up and Kibum noticed, because he moved away from me a little and shot me a questioning look. “Is something wrong?” he asked surprised. I quickly shook my head.

“No. It’s just.. It’s so.. Unexpected. You liked me since.. So long.. It’s just..” I said, taking the opportunity to pull free from his arms and get up. He followed me with his eyes, the pain visible in his expression, and I almost felt my heart clench seeing how I hurt him, but how could I stay so close to him if he loved me like this -for who knows how long- and I just went around kissing other people? It wasn’t fair towards him, nor was it something he deserved. ‘Not telling him is even more unfair towards him.’ something in the back of my mind told me, making me feel even more guilty. I quickly grabbed my bag and looked at him. “I’m sorry, I have to go to work.” I mumbled, before leaving.

I was near tears the whole drive to the pancake house and when I arrived there, I almost broke down and cried, but there were customers and Henry just came out of the kitchen that instant, so somehow I managed to keep my head up. That was until my phone beeped and I got a text from Kibum, causing me to sink down on a chair in the kitchen for a moment as I read it with a heavy heart.

‘We need to talk. Tomorrow, 1 PM at the pancake house. x’

I could really hang myself. Kibum had liked me a year ago already, which meant that he might have loved me even before that. Me, who had taken all those sincere feelings of him for granted and threw them away carelessly.. And now it was time for me to go and tell the sweetest guy the world had ever seen that he had hooked up with the most selfish and stupid girl ever. It sucked and I was not feeling good about it, for sure.

Somehow I managed to work my shift without looking suspicious, though, but when I went to bed without having had dinner, it caused Yumiko to come in and ask a million questions about ‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ and ‘Did something happen between Donghae and you?’ When I refused to talk, she left me alone again to go out with Zhou Mi and the group I normally also hung out with on Friday evenings. Yet after the whole course of events, I didn’t really look forward to spending time in a close proximity with Kibum, and judging from his text, he had expected that.