[FIC] It's Complicated

Title: It's Complicated
Characters: Kibum, OC, SJ
Rating: PG
Chaptercount: 32/36
Summary: Soojin meets a guy who turns her world upside down but then there's a few dozen others as well.
A/N: This is one of my most beloved novels (not that I wrote THAT many, but still) and I think I will forever cherish the characters in this. This story also helped me shape my view on the different members and is the first of few stories in which I used first person.

- - - - -

The next day came sooner than expected or wanted, and 1 PM found me faithfully sitting at one of the tables of the pancake house, waiting for my boyfriend. Throughout the five hours I had been up and running, there had already been an equal amount of people asking me if everything was alright with me, one of them being a customer. I gave them all the same answer -that I was feeling slightly sick, but no, I didn’t want to take the day off, because I would be fine- and escaped their presence as soon as I could.

There was no way of escaping Henry, however, so he kept inquiring after my health and feelings all the way until Kibum came strolling in at exactly 1 PM. I got up from my seat to greet him and he sent me a slight smile, as if unsure what to think of the whole situation. When he reached me, however, he pulled me into a short hug, before tugging me outside with him. I followed, after telling Henry I would take a break, softly prying my wrist out of Kibum’s grip and trying my best to keep a cool and composed expression, while on the inside I felt like dying right there and then. He kept walking until we were at the part of the garden that was furthest away from the house, which was here he stopped and turned around to look at me.

“There’s something you’re not telling me.” he then stated, immediately cutting to the core of the problem. There was not a single bit of accusation in his voice, but the way he lovingly took my hand and the solely worried expression on his face made me feel worse than any other emotion could have done. I just looked at him for a long time, not knowing what to say, until he seemed to realise that I was not going to speak. “We can’t be like this, Jinnie. Something’s wrong and you’re trying to avoid me because of it. I want to know what’s going on, because your behaviour worries me. Is it something I said or did?”

“No, Kibum.. It’s not you. It definitely isn’t you.” I quickly replied, not wanting him to think it was for any part whatsoever his fault. He sighed at the short answer, but seemed glad I was finally talking.

“Then tell me, Jinnie, what IS wrong?”

An even longer silence than the first one ensued. In my mind, I was going over all the possible things I could tell him that might make the situation take a turn for the better, but ever single option was discarded, because to make things sound less bad I would have to lie to Kibum and that was something that I didn’t want to ever do. Yet the truth was also not something I would like to tell him.. As the silence grew longer, the more the emotions seemed to get sucked out of his face. After ten long minutes he seemed to give up, turning around and starting to walk away.

“Please wait!” I called out, making him stop and look back.

“Why?” he replied. “You won’t tell me anything, so I have no reason to be here.”

“It’s.. Complicated.” I sighed. Because, really.. How do you tell your boyfriend that you kissed with two other guys in one week’s time without really meaning to? He turned around so that he was fully facing me again and took a step closer towards me, taking my hands in his and looking me right in the eyes.

“Tell me, Jinnie, please..” he almost pleaded and I felt my heart clench at the desperation in his voice.

“Fine. I will.” I gave in. “But I just don’t want to lose you.” He frowned at those words, but I merely motioned him to sit down on the little wall as I did so myself. He sank down next to me, letting his eyes trail my face in what was probably the hope to find something there. I meanwhile sorted out my thoughts and took a deep breath, deciding to just tell him the straight out truth without sugar-coating anything. I kept my eyes pointed at the ground as I started talking.

Ten minutes later I finished explaining it all to him, not knowing what reaction to expect. I told him about the drunk Heechul suddenly kissing me and the just as unexpected kiss with Donghae. I made sure to stress the fact that Donghae hadn’t known about him and me, because in reality, he had done nothing wrong, so I didn’t want to create a fight between friends who shouldn’t be fighting at all. When the silence dragged on, I sighed, being the first to break through the long minutes of nothingness.

“I’m sorry.” I repeated for the twenty millionth time in the past ten minutes. “I still do love you, Kibum, and I really don’t want to lose you, but I realise that these things… I’m just really sorry, Bummie.” It took me a lot of willpower to keep the tears from rolling down my cheeks, but somehow I managed, because I didn’t want him to think I was trying to convince him to stay with my tears. But still nothing came in reaction to my words. Kibum was staring blankly ahead, not giving a single sign of life. He didn’t even seem to be breathing. It was only after a few more minutes that he suddenly took a deep breath.

“I guess I should have expected this.” he mumbled, still staring rather blankly ahead. “When things seem too good to be true, they mostly are. I guess in the end it wasn’t me who was meant for you. So then this is the end, don’t you think?” I had to swallow the lump in my throat to be able to reply to that.

“I don’t know. You’re the one making the decisions and I’m the one following.” I choked out. He smiled a sad smile at those words. “But please don’t..” I desperately continued. “Please don’t make this the end. If I could do it over I would have spent every single day by your side and never even once looked at Heechul or Donghae or anyone..” My voice slowly died away as it became harder not to cry and when Kibum slowly turned to look at me at the end of my speech, my words got completely lost in the deep pool of hurt and disappointment that were his eyes.

“I..” he started and it was the way he averted his eyes to something behind me that told me whatever he was going to say next would not be good. “I need time to think this over, Jinnie.” I felt my heart plummet right down into my stomach at those words and all life seemed to be sucked out of my face as I turned a very white shade of pale, but all I could really do was nod, because I had no right to hold him back when he stood up. He sent another look my way that was filled with so many different emotions that I felt a twinge of pain in my abdomen, caused by the feeling of guilt.

I had realised the cold truth that I had lost Kibum over my own stupidity. There were tears to cry, but they didn’t fall, and words to say that I couldn’t form. Kibum’s look changed as he watched me and despite having said he needed time, he was obviously still sad to see my hurt expression. His hand twitched slightly, as if wanting to touch me, but he pulled away last minute and took a small step back.

“I’ll see you around, I guess.. I’ll call you about this, okay?” he mumbled, before turning around and walking away. I stared after him, knowing I would probably never get a call at all, but unable to go after him nonetheless. I knew that whatever he was thinking were probably bad things about me that I had more than deserved, so there was no point in me running after him, futilely trying to change his mind. Yet still I couldn’t keep his name from rolling off my lips, but it was nothing more than a whisper and he was already way too far to hear it.

I don’t really remember what things crossed my mind as I sat on the wall, or maybe I just wasn’t thinking at all, but by the time Henry came searching for me, slightly worried because of my sudden absence, I had already replayed the scene a million times in my head, trying to find anything that assured me of the fact I was really going to get a call. I found nothing. Kibum had no reason whatsoever to forgive me. After all, I had broken his trust -and his heart- and nothing lose to what I had done could change or heal that. It was that kind of desperation Henry saw when he walked around the corner and found me.

The moment he saw my face, he was by my side in no time, sitting down next to me and putting an arm around my shoulders. I sighed slightly, but let myself be pulled against him anyway. He fussed a little over me, stroking my upper arm and mumbling some nonsensical but soothing words to me, and despite being older than him, I felt protected in his ams. It was a nice change on the utter and completely lost feeling I had before he came by, but it still didn’t make things any better. He rocked me back and forth a little, making me smile a sad smile. I missed the worry on his face when he looked at my beat expression.

I stayed in his embrace for a while, until the time started pressing and we both remembered the customers. In the end, I rubbed my hands over my face, trying to wake myself up and getting my feet back on the ground. We walked back through the garden, into the house, and I took up my job again. After delivering a few orders to the wrong table, Henry ordered me to stay in the kitchen. I did burn a few pancakes, but it was better than throwing pancakes, sugar or ice cream on one of the customers.

It was a strange and fluctuant day, an amount of unplanned events happening while I was going through the day like a zombie. By the time I got home, I had almost been responsible for two accidents on the road and part of my still working brain told me it would be better not to go out with my car anymore when I was upset. I got out of my car as a dishevelled heap of human, staggering to the door and getting into the house with much difficulty.

My mom’s questioning went by unanswered as I crossed the distance from the front door to the back one, disappearing into our small yard. I kicked a stone that randomly lay on my path and started fuming, letting out a few occasional cries of discontent, until a sudden amused laugh made me freeze and look up...and up. In the end, my gaze came to rest on a girl sitting in our neighbour’s tree house.

“Who are you?” I wondered surprised, because I had never seen her before. She chuckled as I fired a second question. “And what are you doing in my neighbour’s tree?” The girl’s face brightened as a wide grin pulled up the corners of her mouth.

“I AM your neighbour.” she replied. It was then that I realised our neighbours had changed as the new ones had moved in mere weeks before. I felt kind of stupid not having realised this earlier and I opened my mouth to apologise for my stupidity. She continued before I could, however, as if she knew what I thought and wanted to prevent me from saying anything to the likes of that. “Rough day?”

I looked at her for a moment longer, before sighing. “Something like that.” I then agreed and she smiled sourly.

“I hear you.” she replied, shrugging a little. “I just got here a week and a half ago and already I find myself wanting to go back.” There was a smile on her face. “Nice neighbourhood but no people to talk to whatsoever at school – or anywhere else for that matter.” I huffed at her words.

“You’re going to university already, right?” I wondered, making her nod shortly so I immediately continued, my voice turning into some kind of sneer. “You should look around. There are near a thousand people walking around there, just walk up to one and start talking. You should try the one called Kim Heechul from the last year of medical studies. He seems to be very friendly with people.”

“Sounds like he’s your best buddy.” she replied, chuckling. “My name is Yoon Sanghee, nice to meet you.” I couldn’t help but smile slightly back at her.

“Kang Soojin.” I introduced myself. “Nice to meet you too. Please excuse me as I go slaughter people to feel better.” I turned around and walked back into the house, not caring if I was being rude or whatever, but merely wanting to escape to a whole other world so I wouldn’t have to think about the harsh reality of having lost my boyfriend. I wasn’t given that chance, however, as Yumiko intercepted me halfway up the stairs, not letting me go until I told her everything.