[FIC] The mirror paints her imperfections

Title: The mirror paints her imperfections
Characters: Undefined
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 783
Summary: Inside of her it's freezing and shivers and icicles fallen from the tips of leaves.
A/N: Written after reading a fic that had totally no relation to this topic whatsoever. I just felt like writing something new, a subject I haven't tackled yet before. I don't know if this is rash or confronting, but well, a view on eating disorders?

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Inside of her it’s cold. Everything is freezing and shivers and icicles fallen from the tips of leaves, piercing through her heart and tearing at her insides. She vaguely remembers what it was like to feel warm, but she can only grab at that feeling, brushing her fingertips over the gentle heat, in a faded memory of what once was everything to her.

( “Goddammit! I’ve had enough! I can’t take this anymore, seeing you exert yourself so much day after day. You’re perfect enough, so stop trying to become better!”

She wants to say she knows, that of course she’s not perfect, she’s trying to be perfect for him, because he takes her as she is, all of her imperfections bundled together, and he deserves so much more, but all that comes out is a pathetic whimper as he pulls his arm out of her grip and walks away. )

The sun shines peacefully, warming her skin as she sits on the cement balustrade of her balcony, staring at the cars that pass by more than occasionally. A shiver wrecks through her body, goosebumps carving relief into her skin as she tenses her muscles for a moment before relaxing again. She closes her eyes and blocks out the countless cars that keep rushing past. The sun moves to a higher point in the sky, shining brighter and warmer, but she doesn’t feel it, it doesn’t melt the ice just beneath her skin.

( “Why do you do this to yourself?”

The voice whispering those words sounds broken and she wants to cradle that face in her hands and ask what he means, because she’s not doing anything to anyone. But before the words can leave her mouth her eyes find his and he looks so incredibly sad that she doesn’t think she can lie to him like that.

“Please promise me you’ll stop.”

She smiles and nods, leaning into his touch and smothering her promise against his lips, knowing full well she won’t, can’t promise him something like that. )

It’s nice to be outside. It’s been a long time since that happened last, these people trying to keep her inside when she actually wants to be outside and enjoy the nice summer weather. But lately nothing seems to satisfy her anymore, not even the brightly shining sun that draws prettily shaped patterns on the ground.

( “Look at yourself! Don’t you see?”

She nods because she does. She sees curves where things should be flat, flatness where there should be curves. She sees inaccuracies and the way she comes up short for what she wants to be. The mirror paints her imperfections. It makes her want to turn away, but his hands keep her in place and she smiles at his reflection in the mirror, grateful that he helps her see what’s wrong, that he helps her become a better person. )

The last time she ate a grotesque meal like the ones you get in a restaurant probably is several weeks ago by now and it makes her feel proud of herself. She counts the calories she puts in her body like she counts sheep before sleeping, quick, effective, pragmatic and every day doing it over and over again. It gives her a sense of control, the way she can decide exactly how much she allows her body to have and it brushes away her insecurity like magic.

( “Do you know what you’re doing? One day this will kill you!”

She laughs at his silliness, at the way he still tries to toy with her, still tries to test her resolution by making it seem like she’s doing something bad.

“Silly.” she says with a chuckle, running her fingers through his hair and pressing a kiss on his lips. “I know perfectly well what I’m doing. I’m not letting it kill me.” )

Her body trembles violently by now and she faintly wonders why it’s so cold, why no one else notices how the sun is not giving the same warmth as it used to anymore. She feels how her muscles tense up and relax at random, as if receiving small electric shocks at short intervals. It makes no sense to her that she can’t seem to control her limbs anymore as she topples over, falling to the balcony floor one metre below.

( “You look wonderful today.”

She forces a smile, takes the compliment even though she knows it’s a lie - something to make her feel better. He wraps his arms around her and it irks her how long his arms need to be to fit around her middle. She decides she has to change this. )