[FIC] Goodbye

Title: Goodbye
Characters: Heechul
Rating: G
Wordcount: 774
Summary: It's a final goodbye, over and over again
A/N: Yet another story of mine. Again it is quite sad, but I think from now on the one-shots will get happier,because my mood has brightened due to the sunny weather. I feel spring and it's making me happy. ^^

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Why does love exist when it is not mutual? Why do people change when love is brought up, even though nothing else changes? Why does the world have to be such a fucked up place? In my heart, I know that I will probably not make it to the end of the week like this. There are words that need to be said, things that have to be cleared out. In my heart, I keep on hoping, but my mind seems to have given up all hope already. I know that whatever I say, it won’t be enough to express what I really feel inside, but still I desperately want to yell out every word that comes up in my mind. If only it would make a difference.

For years I have carried in me this need for care, for touching, for belonging. My eyes become watery at the very mention of loneliness as I know how it feels. I have been feeling it for so long. With inhumanly efforts I pulled myself through every day, knowing that the next would be exactly the same, wondering if there might possibly be a way out for me. I tried to stop feeling, so that it would be easier to face every new morning. I tried to stare at pictures of gorgeous people for ages, hoping I would fall in love with them, but I soon got bored and ended up thinking about the face that haunted my every dream.

You’ve been gone for months, but still I can’t get over it. It eats at me to even try and accept the thought of you being gone. It is simply impossible for me to accept something like that. For so long you have been the one looking out for me. You have protected me from when I was young and have never failed to chase away my bad dreams. Every time something bothered me, you were the one I could go to. You were the one I could rely on. It has been ages since I last felt your presence nearby, but I can still remember your voice clearly. Why do you not call me? I know you’ll never feel for me what I feel for you, but you could at least show some friendship. Why am I left here all by myself? It is not like you left for the moon. A phone call doesn’t take such a big effort either.

Donghae cannot make me laugh like you do. Kyuhyun cannot entertain me like you do. Eunhyuk’s tears cannot hurt me like yours do. Ryeowook cannot cook for me like you do. Not even Leeteuk can boss me around like you do. Yet you still don’t notice me. You, who I have looked up to as a brother, do not look back. You, who I have loved as a friend, do not love me back. Inside I know that it will never be that way either, so I am slowly starting to ban every single thought of you out of my mind. This is my last confession of my love that I have been keeping a secret ever since it grew in me. This is the last letter I will devote to you. From now on, your name will not cross my thoughts again.

Goodbye.


With a sigh, Heechul picked up the paper and gently folded it, putting it in an envelope. He closed the thing neatly and carefully put it on top of the other twenty-or-so on his desk. His members would never understand if he would ever tell them, so he didn’t. He was hopelessly devoted in secret. This room was his personal place of confession. Every time that he was able to actually go home and visit the room in his parental house, he would write another letter to the one he loved, yet he never sent any of them. They were not meant to be send.

Giving the letters a last look, he turned and walked out of the room, pulling the door closed behind him. The air current created by that action, brushed the envelopes from the corner of his desk and scattered them all over the floor. All of them had one single word written on them. Always the same word, that he had never managed to say out loud. Every letter, carefully sealed inside an envelope, ended with that same word. A word he couldn’t bear using for real. For his love didn’t lessen, no matter how many letters he wrote. No matter how many times he used that one word, it would never be a real goodbye.