[FIC] Because of You

Title: Because of You
Characters: Siwon, OC
Rating: G
Wordcount: 2.178
Summary: She's holding on to a past love even though there's so much more for her.
A/N: The song I used for this one is called 'A fleur de toi' by Vitaa. It's a French song, obviously, but I've gotten out my best -dusty- French skills and translated it for the lot of you. If you are French, know this song, read this songfic and think; 'Hey! This translation sucks and it is not right!' Well then that's too bad, because it is how it is. xD

- - - - -

The days pass but it doesn’t matter
I worked so hard to live
Drunk with that scent so different than yours
Worse, I counted every minute that keeps me to him
As if I was my own prisoner

“I’m sorry Siwon. I just..can’t do this anymore.” she says softly, the hurt very clear in her voice, her eyes darting over everything behind him, trying hard not to look at him, just to not have to see the hurt in his expression. She breathes with difficulty as she does her best to keep the tears from running out of her eyes.

It’s not that she doesn’t love him, but it just doesn’t seem right. It seems so empty. Sometimes she finds herself wondering if there might have been a better way, if it might have ended differently when she had just made different choices. She feels imprisoned in her own house.

It’s been a year already since he saved me from you
Often I ask myself where I would be for you
Often I ask myself what you’re doing, where you are, who you love
Get out of my thoughts

“Why not?” he asks and she can hear the hurt in his voice as well, she can hear all the pain, the disappointment, all those bad things she inflicted. Her eyes finally find his again, but it is like she expected it to be, full of hurt and a face that expresses his disappointment. She knows he is unwilling to let her go just like that, but she can’t stay anymore. A sigh escapes her lips.

She doesn’t want to hurt him, but it’s almost impossible not to. Even though it’s been a year already since she has last seen him,he’s still very present in her thoughts. Every day she asks herself what he could be doing and if he is happy. She wonders, but never gets any answers.

I’ve changed my address, my phone number, thank you
I even threw away your letters, your flaws
I pretended to have found the strength
I keep deep within me
Everything you loved me for

“Because of him. I can’t get him out of my head. I know it’s been a year now, but still..” she replies and she knows he hurts more inside. He knows how much she still loves him, he knows that when he is involved, he mostly can’t win. She tries not to see it, but the defeat on his face is obvious. Although she bites her lower lip to keep the tears from running down her cheeks, it is hard, so she looks around, scanning Siwon’s apartment again.

It doesn’t matter that she sold their house, it doesn’t matter that she got rid of everything that reminded her of him, he comes to her at every moment she doesn’t want to see him. He doesn’t let go of her mind anymore and she finds herself still trying to live up to things that he expected from her.

I try to forget you with someone else
Time does not seem to erase your mistakes
I try, but nothing works
I can’t, I don’t want to, I can’t
I don’t love him like I love you

“Haven’t I been good to you? Haven’t I loved you? Haven’t I given you everything you needed?” Siwon wonders out loud, making her choke back a sob. She closes her eyes and nods. “Then why do you want to leave? You shouldn’t give up now. You have come so far already. Please don’t go back to him.” She sighs and opens her eyes again to look at him, but for a moment she sees someone else, she sees him.

It’s terrifying to think that she actually doesn’t even really want to forget him, because even though they had moments where everything seemed to go wrong and where all he did was to make mistakes, there were also moments where every step taken felt so good and right, where everything he did made her feel loved and good.

I try to treat myself with someone else
Who tries in vain to redeem your mistakes
He seems so perfect
But nothing works
I give in, I can’t
I don’t love him like I love you

“It’s just not fair, Siwon. Not fair towards you. I’m not able to love you as much as you love me. I’ll never be able to love you like I loved him.” she whispers and then she breaks down. He is at her side in no time, his arms wrapped around her middle, his hands caressing her back. She breathes in his scent but it is so different, so off. Part of her wants it to be a different scent, to be a different man.

It doesn’t help that Siwon is so perfect, that he tries so hard. It doesn’t help that everything he does makes her feel so loved and respected, because it only reminds her more of how he never did those things. After so much time of having him treat her badly, it is hard to get used to all the loving words and sometimes she wonders if it is worth it.

He, he tried to console me
Although he doesn’t have your words, your history, it’s true
But he doesn’t have your taste for parties, for the night, for the other things
For everything I hate

“It’s alright, sweetie, I know it hurts now, but it will pass like it did every other time. I have told you from the start that I’m alright with you not loving me like you loved him. You know that I just want to be with you. I don’t ask more of you than you can give me. Just be with me.” he tries to calm her down, but she only feels the pain inside of her become worse.

She wants to believe him, but doesn’t think it can be true. How can anyone love another whose head is still filled with someone else? He is there in every corner of her mind and every turn of her head. She can’t get used to being without him. And Siwon is so different, but she can’t love him enough. He’s worth so much more, deserves so much more than she can give him.

He has dried all my tears, you know
He cleaned up your mess
And he took care of everything
Your debts, your cheating, your cancellations
Everything you have left me

“It’s not going to pass, Siwon. It’ll never stop. It’s been one year already and still it is the same. It hasn’t even changed the slightest bit.” she protests as tears run down her cheeks. “I can’t do this to you. Every time you hug me I remember his hugs, every time you kiss me, I remember his kisses, every time you do something, I remember how he did it. How can you be alright with that?” He wipes her tears softly and she remembers how he has always cleaned up the mess that he left.

Siwon had always been there. He had watched for years as she was slowly killed by him. He was her best friend, the one she could tell everything to. Once he was gone, Siwon had immediately taken it up on him to clean her house, take care of the mess, wipe her tears away and gather the broken pieces of what was left of her to mend them back together. She owes him so much.

He loves me like a fool, he knows me by heart
He tells me ‘I love you’ sometimes at random moments
But he doesn’t smell like you do
Why do I breathe you in his arms
Get out of my thoughts

“You know it takes time, sweetie, but you’ll get there eventually. One day you’ll wake up and find that he doesn’t matter anymore. That day will come and you know it. Believe in yourself, because I do.” he says, giving her a kiss on her hair and resting his head on hers. “I love you. I just want you to know and remember that.” Even though he didn’t really answer her question, she still feels like he did. He’ll take anything just because he loves her and he knows that answer is enough for her.

Again she realises that he deserves more than her. He really deserves someone who’d do anything for him. He deserves someone who actually has something to offer him. Unquestioned love, a pure heart, something along the lines of that. Not a battered and broken heart that is hardly capable of loving anyone anymore. If only she could ban him from her mind.

I try to forget you with someone else
Time does not seem to erase your mistakes
I try, but nothing works
I can’t, I don’t want to, I can’t
I don’t love him like I love you

“Why? Why do you love me so much that you take it just like that? Why do you make me feel guilty for not being able to be more for you?” she whispers, but it’s no real complaint anymore, it’s just her incapability speaking. She feels her tears dry, feels her body relax in his arms, feels her heart fill with new courage. When she lifts her head and looks up at him, he gives her a soft peck on the lips, smiling lightly. She can only return the smile.

Once again she questions her reasons for not being able to forget him. Yet she knows why. Even if she wanted to, she can’t say that he never did anything good for her. It’s not like it was always bad and terrible. Even though their love was difficult and brought forth lots of hardships, it also was a very strong love, dark and passionate, and she is now suffering the consequences of that.

I try to treat myself with someone else
Who tries in vain to redeem your mistakes
He seems so perfect
But nothing works
I give in, I can’t
I don’t love him like I love you

“Don’t cry anymore, sweetie. He is not worth your tears. He is not worth all this pain you feel over him.” Siwon whispers to her, running his fingers through her hair and softly caressing her cheek. “He isn’t worth anything coming from you, so don’t give him anything.” She listens to the words, but it takes a while for her to accept them. Part of her still wants to defend him even though she knows he is hardly worth defending, but Siwon knows this and he silences her with a kiss before she can start saying anything. “I love you.”

She realises once again how well he knows her, how much he does for her, how much crap he takes coming from her. She realises that he is so perfect, that he is everything a girl could ask for. He always puts her before himself, always takes care of her first, before tending to himself, and still it doesn’t help. She can’t feel the right amount of love for him.

I don’t love him like I love you
Just tell me why
You stay with me like that
I want to forget you
Take your dreams back and disappear
Because I want to love him like I love you

“I love you too.” she finally mumbles as he picks her up in his arms and carries her towards the couch, where he sits down with her on his lap. She rests her head against his shoulder, her nose softly touching his neck, and wraps her arms around him. He mumbles some sweet words in her ear and strokes her back comfortingly. Another sigh escapes her lips, but this time it is one of relief and contentment.

In the back of her head, he still is there, but she tries her best to push him away, clouding the dark memories of him with happy memories that she and Siwon made throughout the past twelve months. If she could just tell him to take the memories and leave her life for good..but she knows that’s not possible, so she tries her best to make them go away herself, to forget all about him.

I don’t love him like I love you

It’ll be hard for her to make it better, but she has to at least try. She has to do her best for Siwon. She has to try and forget him, because Siwon is right; He is not worth her tears or her pain. As she rests in her boyfriend’s arms, she hides her face away against the soft fabric of his T-shirt and lets herself get calmed down by his heartbeat.

Yet she knows that the next week will bring the exact same discussion again, like what has happened every week up till now, because she simply can’t forget him and Siwon will never be able to make her feel the same he did. She’ll never love Siwon like she loves him.