Title: Memories
Characters: Super Junior
Rating: R
Chaptercount: 25/26
Summary: Fifteen people try to find the memories they forgot - or maybe they're just looking for each other.
A/N: A fic written on a hunch. One day I thought; "Super Junior. And vampires. This calls for a fic!" and well.. Here we are? Memories is one of the stories that I'm proud of, despite its sometimes messy storyline. It's also a story that won't be fully understood until you've read it completely. Things will be very confusing as you read, but will also get explained in future chapters. Be warned.
- - - -
There was a huge silence hanging in the room, people staring at Jungsoo or Hyukjae, no one particularly sure how to deal with that revelation. No one except for Misun apparently, who finally mingled in the conversation again, no sign of the generally present confusion on her expression.
“Hyukjae would you allow Jungsoo to take siredom over you for a bit so he can give you your memories back?” she asked calmly, eyes fixing on the vampire next to Sang Mi. The girl herself had gone surprisingly silent and pale, but no one really noticed with all the commotion going on. She watched Hyukjae next to her with worried eyes waiting for his answer to the question. It was a visible relief to everyone present when Hyukjae replied with a ‘Sure, why not?’ as if it was the most normal thing in the world to allow a previous enemy to take siredom over you.
Sang Mi was the only one not looking forward to that, putting a hand on the vampire’s lower arm and asking him with one look to help her out. She must’ve looked very worried and pale indeed, because his eyes immediately changed to green and he focused on no one but her for a moment.
‘Hyukjae…’ she spoke through her thoughts. ‘If you remember them will you also still remember me?’ But what she also sent through without actually wanting to let him know was ‘I love you. You’re all I have left. Please don’t leave me.’ She didn’t show any of those thoughts on her face, but he soon started smiling, reaching out to take her hand. Yet the moment their skins touched, Hyukjae’s eyes suddenly widened and he whirled around to stare at the woman that had moved closer to them, his expression changed into a snarl.
“You.” he hissed, tone so angry that Jongwoon almost immediately moved in between the vampire and his wife, ready to protect her when needed. Misun seemed clueless, but that didn’t mean she actually WAS clueless, the woman was a sly fox really. Sang Mi reached out to put a hand on Hyukjae’s shoulder, a touch that visibly relaxed him. And the moment Hyukjae relaxed, so did Jongwoon.
“Not her.” a completely different voice told them. All heads turned around to see who had spoken. Sang Mi herself turned around as well. Her eyes found one of the many men in the room, but it took a moment for the name to come back to her; Kibum. It still felt surreal to be in the same room with a famous model.
“I studied the lives of all of you to find out exactly what had happened so I would keep my stories the same as the ones that had been told to the public before. What I discovered was something that happened many more years ago. It had been kept a secret to many but as a fellow member I was assumed to know already.” The smile sent to them was dazzling, fangs not visible like on every magazine cover he graced. “Get your memories back first, Hyukjae, you’ll remember as well. You were there when they told me.”
The words spiked Sang Mi’s curiosity, yet seemed to calm down Hyukjae completely. His eyes went to Jungsoo and he hesitated only a moment longer to reach out his hand. But Jungsoo shook his head lightly, reaching out past the hand and pulling the other vampire closer by his wrist. “Back of your neck.” he explained to the surprised expression. “Homin made everyone believe it was the hand, but your hand was crushed beneath a part of the car when I changed you.” He was smart enough not to give the other time to protest before he leaned in. Hyukjae let out a hiss which broke off abruptly the moment Jungsoo’s fangs sank into his skin.
Sang Mi watched in horror as the vampire in front of her seemed to go completely rigid against the one who had just taken siredom over him. When his eyes opened again they were a dull brown, something that scared her more than anything else that had happened so far.
☆.:**´¨`**:.☆
Everyone watched anxiously as Hyukjae gathered himself and straightened up again, pulling away from Jungsoo slowly. All of a sudden he seemed to lose his footing, however, and his eyes turned to his hand in shock. The next moment he started to tremble violently and Jungsoo quickly moved closer to wrap his arms around the other tightly. No one had to read minds to know that something was not completely right with the way Hyukjae was remembering everything.
“When you tell someone to remember through the sire bond they go back just a second to the moment they were changed into vampires.” Misun spoke up softly, her eyes filled with pity for the vampire who was still trembling so hard he couldn’t even stand on his own two feet anymore, having to be kept up by Jungsoo.
It was Heechul who commented on Misun’s words with a soft: “Hyuk seems to have died more painfully than the rest of us then.” His voice was almost emotionless, but the pained expression on his face showed what he really thought about the situation.
Zhou Mi let out a sigh after Heechul’s words, watching Hyukjae go still and then straighten up again. He vividly remembered the moment he himself had regained his own memories. It certainly wasn’t the most enjoyable moment of his life, that was a given. He had gone back to a split second of never ending falling, plummeting down towards a vast ocean, only to never consciously live through the actual collision with the water. He was so lost in his memories that he didn’t notice the tears until he smelled the saltiness. Looking up, he could see Hyukjae clutching his head with his hands.
“It hurts so much.” the vampire whispered and then everything happened at once. Sang Mi threw herself at Misun, yet was intercepted by Jongwoon, who easily kept her from even touching his wife. At the same time both Siwon and Donghae closed in on the suffering vampire only to be kept away by a snarl from Jungsoo, who gathered the younger closer in his arms. Shindong was with them soon too and as the others started to growl at each other, those three seemed to exclude themselves. Zhou Mi was left standing at the side together with Henry, watching the chaos.
“Guys, guys, settle down.” It was Ryeowook who spoke and his usually timid attitude had taken a hundred-eighty degree turn as his eyes took in everyone around him with an almost deadly glare. “What has become of you? You’ve all grown so wary and distrusting. We’re allies here. The ones we should fight are not in this room at this point in time. Perhaps some have tried to do us wrong but everything those with memories have done was try and get our group back together. Why are you thinking now that everyone’s trying to hurt you? Get a grip on yourselves. If you really think someone’s playing tricks on you that must mean you consider yourself weak enough to be misled like that. Trust in yourselves a little more if you don’t trust the others.”
It was hard to stay in place, but Zhou Mi managed, letting his eyes skim the smaller man as he spoke. There was a certain edge to Ryeowook’s voice that had never been there before and a coldness behind his kind exterior that spoke of years spent living a hard vampire’s life. He looked around the room again then to see if anyone had actually listened to the vampire, only to see everyone looking at Ryeowook with the same mixture of amazement and shock he had felt himself when he had heard the kid’s words.
“Now stop staring at me.” Ryeowook gruffly continued when he noticed all eyes were on him, turning around to look at the group of three that were still huddled together. “Hyukjae hyung, you okay?” The only reply he got was a small nod from said person, who looked even more pale than he had done before, the tear tracks still glistering on his cheeks. “So please tell us what Kibummie was talking to you about just before, we’re all very curious I’m sure.”
☆.:**´¨`**:.☆
“That’s not something for him to tell.” Heechul calmly interrupted the whole exchange, sending a wry smile Hyukjae’s way. The still extremely pale vampire smiled back almost invisibly, closing his eyes for a moment and slowly regaining himself again. It was obvious that something had completely knocked him off his feet in a rather negative way. But at least the atmosphere in the room had settled back to a more amiable setting and Jongwoon had put down the no longer trying to kill his wife Sang Mi. Everything had gone back to the cautious but familiar group theme they were used to from earlier.
“And exactly why is it not for him to tell?” a still surprisingly feisty Ryeowook demanded to know in the middle of all that peace, which made the until then silent Siwon speak up.
“Calm down, Ryeowook-ah. If they don’t want to tell that’s their choice. No use making a fuss over everything now.” he spoke in a calming manner, motioning along with his hands. The younger turned to look at him with a frown but after a moment’s consideration seemed to decide that keeping silent again was indeed not such a bad idea.
It was the religious man’s turn then to be the centre of attention, but he didn’t seem to notice. Without much consideration for the whole situation, he simply walked over to Hyukjae and pulled him into a hug. “You okay, Hyukkie?” he asked with a small smile as he patted the other’s back.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Hyukjae replied but the way he allowed the hug to last a little longer showed how much he needed it – and also that he remembered who they were now. “You’re not going to turn into Storm again, right?” he then continued, his voice growing slightly playful. “X-men is cool and all but not so much in real life.”
“Says the one with the green glowing eyes.” Siwon snorted as he let go.
“They happen to be the eyes of my best friend you better watch your words.” Donghae joined in the banter as well, sticking out his tongue at Siwon who merely laughed and pulled Donghae closer to give him a hug too.
“I’ve always thought you were a little soft hyung.” a sudden voice had them all remembering that ‘oh yeah, Kibum’s still here too.’ “You should get a little more aggressive. Give him a hit on his head or something, that’s what I always do.” The next moment Donghae let out a snarl of pain and Siwon was staring wide-eyed at his own hands before looking up at Donghae . The latter was frowning at him by then, turning to look at Kibum a moment later, who was eyeing it all without understanding.
“If you hold siredom over him you could at least tell us, Kibum. And next time you want to hit me, just do so yourself like always. Siwon’s too strong, it actually hurts.” he commented dryly, to which the model frowned in his turn.
“I don’t…” he started, before turning to Siwon. “Sit down.” he stated, eyes growing bigger in surprise as the elder did exactly that. “What? How?” he asked in surprise, yet his expression suddenly cleared as he seemed to remember something. “Hyung, I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” He left a moment of silence, glancing at Heechul once before hesitantly muttering “I give you your freedom back.”
Siwon sat down a moment longer before crawling up. “Okay, that was weird.” he muttered with a frown. “Sorry for hitting you, Hae.”
“It’s quite alright.” said fellow band member reassured him, reaching out to pat his shoulder. It was at that point that Hyukjae suddenly moved and hugged Jungsoo, like the latter had been planning to earlier before Hyukjae moved away.
“Hyung…” he spoke softly, with so much emotion in his voice that it silenced everyone into a kind of amazed silence as they all remembered their own love for some of the people present.
☆.:**´¨`**:.☆
“So what’s next?” Shindong broke that silence after a while, his sight on the future abandoning him at that moment. There seemed to be no future yet for them, at least not one that he could see. A soft sigh escaped him when he realised no one else seemed to have an idea, but before he could suggest something random – just to at least suggest something – Hangeng spoke up.
“I think we should just all decide for ourselves what’s next. It’s not because we’re back together now that we have to stay together. It’d be nice to stay in contact, but we’re not obliged to stay together. it’s not like we’ll still be able to produce music together or anything. He glanced around the room with a small smile, taking in the familiar faces. “I have to admit it’s nice to see you all again. It’s been a really long time since all fifteen of us were in one room together.”
The smile he showed upon saying that was so genuine and warm that for a moment Shindong found himself forgetting the long years of being a vampire. In his memories, he went back to that glorious time almost twenty years ago when they were last together with all fifteen of them. Back then definitely were happier times than what they were in at this point of time.
“First and foremost I think we need to feed and rest, though.” Jungsoo spoke up at that point, making him look up again and focus on the others once more. “It’s been hard on all of you, I’m sure. Jongwoon looks like he’s going to devour a whole city soon and Sungmin’s definitely going to pass out if he doesn’t get any rest in soon.”Agreeing murmurs sounded up from those present and some even nodded, Shindong one of those who merely inclined his head a moment.
“And even if we’d be fit enough, the sun is still up so many of us can’t even risk going out at this point.” Sungmin added to that with a mirthless chuckle. “I’d rather not BE toast for breakfast.” He glanced at the curtains for a moment and seemed to repress a shudder. Kibum was the only one to understand how close he had been to that scene all but a day ago. It felt like weeks had passed already since that moment in which they hid under the cover the younger had provided.
Shindong breathed out air he didn’t know he was holding in, his breathing ceasing again after that as he tucked his hands in the pockets of his pants and looked at the other people present. There were many faces he hadn’t seen in years and – having recovered his memories of those earlier days – he’d love to catch up with, but on the other hand they all felt like strangers to him, a little like what he thought it must feel to them as well.
“Well I suggest those who need sleep can take a rest here.” Heechul offered being the owner of the apartment they were currently residing in. “Seasoning and I will go stack up on blood packs so those in desperate need of it can feed later. The Daywalkers can go their own way whenever they want, the Nightwelps I guess can leave at dusk.” There surprisingly came no protest from the one he had pointed out as Seasoning, the redhead merely leaning against the wall with his arms crossed in front of his chest.
“What will you do after that?” someone asked, but Shindong didn’t get to see who it was when a sudden scene invaded his head and he had to close his eyes to see it more clearly. He stood like that watching the images flash by for what seemed like an eternity but really only was a split second. There was a short moment of hesitation in him and then he replied to the question before anyone else could, slowly opening his eyes as he did so.
“We’re going to take back the Facility.”
Saturday, 15 October 2011
Sunday, 9 October 2011
[MISC] Fic Prompts
Random post because I haven't been able to decently write out anything for ages now. Sadly my writing inspiration is limited to 2 lines before it dies out completely. Well actually my inspiration gets me a very long way, but then my will to write grabs its suitcase and waves bye to me as it goes on a holiday, so there really hasn't been much written by me lately. However, I did write a few of those 2-liner thingies of which many are rather great (even if I do say so myself) so I decided to post them up. I might still use some of these in one of my future fics, but I might also not. If anyone happens to read this and decides that yes, there is something in here I'd like to use for a fic; feel free. Just drop me a comment with the link to the end result or something because I'd love to see what others make of the lines I came up with. ^-^
- - - - -
1.
There was silence and darkness, until suddenly the door opened and someone took hold of her hand to pull her up and outside of the room.
- - - - -
2.
He had always been there, but she had just been too blind to see, and now that she noticed, someone else was first.
- - - - -
3.
“I live for love, peace, understanding. Things this world has forgotten. You wouldn’t know, because you were just a baby when the world started changing into this.”
4.
You think you belong, but you don’t. You’re young, you need to go out and find that place where you DO belong.
- - - - -
5.
Life has only one certainty: death.
- - - - -
6.
There’s give and take, but sometimes you just have to keep.
- - - - -
7.
Silence lasts as long as we don’t call it by name.
- - - - -
8.
Loneliness is a choice, being alone is not always.
- - - - -
9.
Every day it’s you against the world. Go at it.
- - - - -
10.
He’s two steps out of the door when she holds him back and begs him to give them another chance. He replies he doesn’t want to give any chances to her anymore.
- - - - -
11.
Honestly he’s not mine. He might think he is, but he’s not. And I’m not his. I might try to be, but I’m not.
- - - - -
12.
Learning to let go is not a bad thing, it saves you from a lot of heartaches. Unless you learn how to let go before things even start, then it just saves you from life altogether.
- - - - -
13.
There are 365 days in a year, but it takes only one to make a difference.
“I love you.”
- - - - -
14.
Somewhere halfway into dying he realises he’s not yet up for the blame of forcing his parents to fix his funeral, so he picks himself up and starts to live again.
- - - - -
15.
Today is a cold day. Not just outside of the house, but inside as well. And inside of him, there’s ice.
- - - - -
- - - - -
1.
There was silence and darkness, until suddenly the door opened and someone took hold of her hand to pull her up and outside of the room.
- - - - -
2.
He had always been there, but she had just been too blind to see, and now that she noticed, someone else was first.
- - - - -
3.
“I live for love, peace, understanding. Things this world has forgotten. You wouldn’t know, because you were just a baby when the world started changing into this.”
4.
You think you belong, but you don’t. You’re young, you need to go out and find that place where you DO belong.
- - - - -
5.
Life has only one certainty: death.
- - - - -
6.
There’s give and take, but sometimes you just have to keep.
- - - - -
7.
Silence lasts as long as we don’t call it by name.
- - - - -
8.
Loneliness is a choice, being alone is not always.
- - - - -
9.
Every day it’s you against the world. Go at it.
- - - - -
10.
He’s two steps out of the door when she holds him back and begs him to give them another chance. He replies he doesn’t want to give any chances to her anymore.
- - - - -
11.
Honestly he’s not mine. He might think he is, but he’s not. And I’m not his. I might try to be, but I’m not.
- - - - -
12.
Learning to let go is not a bad thing, it saves you from a lot of heartaches. Unless you learn how to let go before things even start, then it just saves you from life altogether.
- - - - -
13.
There are 365 days in a year, but it takes only one to make a difference.
“I love you.”
- - - - -
14.
Somewhere halfway into dying he realises he’s not yet up for the blame of forcing his parents to fix his funeral, so he picks himself up and starts to live again.
- - - - -
15.
Today is a cold day. Not just outside of the house, but inside as well. And inside of him, there’s ice.
- - - - -
Friday, 2 September 2011
[FIC] The difficulty of Kyu & Mi
Title: The difficulty of Kyu & Mi ( or how many people it takes for QMi to happen )
Characters: Everyone!Mi but eventually QMi
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 3.383
Summary: Zhou Mi has long found out that he doesn’t fall for a specific gender, he falls for people.
A/N: I started this weeks ago with the intention of writing something nice for my two friends who like QMi, but then there was literally EVERY Mi pairing my mind could come up with involved and right as I got to the part where there was supposed to be QMi, I blanked out. So much later I watched several sets of QMi pics and vids and finally this came rolling out, more words of QMi than all the other pairings involved. All for you, Frances & Krisy. ♥
- - - - -
Characters
Zhou Mi; because he’s what it’s (almost) all about
Heechul; because he made his way into this story even before I had an idea for it
Donghae; BECAUSE DUDE WHY THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN IN HERE >:(
Hyukjae; because HyukMi is one of the most awkwardly cute things ever
Kyuhyun; because YES THERE’S QMI IT’S REALLY ACTUALLY THERE!!!
- - - - -
Zhou Mi has long found out that he doesn’t fall for a specific gender, he falls for people. It doesn’t matter whether they are tall or short, boy or girl, blond or brown. He merely expects some conversational abilities at least and some kind of emotional understanding. Because he does have a lot of emotions and he needs someone to understand them. And even though he has amazing friends, most of them would never understand the complexity of his inner self.
But actually, if he is completely honest to himself, he mostly falls for good kissers. He loves kissing; lips touching, tongues sneaking, hands wandering. He likes the way the others would lean in, succumb to his touches, melt against his body as he coaxes them with gentle conviction. There isn’t the least bit of embarrassment in him when admitting that the moment the other one would give in to him was one of the moments he loves most.
In the end he realises, though, that he has somehow always expected to end up with a girl; society and the likes. He isn’t up for being judged for the rest of his life. Because no matter what his parents said about supporting him, he’d never forget the look on their faces when he first told them he liked guys too. Not necessarily the fact that he liked guys made them look like that, but the way he said ‘too,’ as if having interest in both genders was the same as telling them he had slept with every person he had met so far.
Which wasn’t true at the time, by the way, not that they were interested, but he wasn’t really up for going past kissing yet back then. At least not with anyone he had met so far. Kissing boys was quite the same as kissing girls. What came after that was vastly different and he wasn’t too sure yet if he wanted to find out exactly HOW different (and which one of the two would appeal to him more). New things were always strange to begin with.
Like the first time he actually kissed a boy. He still remembered that day as if it was just yesterday, Heechul walking up to him and kissing him full on the mouth. And he had responded, surprisingly, he’s pretty sure that the other had not actually expected him to do so either. But the two of them dating because of it was even less expected.
They matched well, though; Heechul’s eccentricity and his patience leveled each other out nicely. Everyone called them a dream pair, Zhou Mi the only one able to handle Heechul’s weird moodswings and unexpected ideas, Heechul the only one to understand Zhou Mi’s eye for fashion. They had love between them, and trust, two of the most important things in relationships, and Heechul was a great kisser, honestly, when he put some effort into it.
But it wasn’t meant to last, that much was clear. They didn’t lack love or trust, and so Heechul trusted Zhou Mi enough to tell him he had fallen in love with someone else. And Zhou Mi loved Heechul enough to find that someone and make the two of them end up together. A week later he no longer had a boyfriend, but he had a very close friend who was intensely happy with his new love.
Since then there had been several, boys and girls alike, who had won his heart, but none of them lasted forever. Five months, nine months, a year, two weeks (she cheated on him),... He grew throughout those relationships, as a boyfriend and as a person, but he never managed to not get tired of them. He told himself it was because nothing ever happened in his life, he knew it was because he had dated Heechul and after that, everyone became normal and boring.
It was several years after his little romance with Heechul when he met Donghae. Happy, childlike, genuine Donghae. Also straighter than a straight line, sadly, or he would’ve taken his chances with the boy. They got along well, Donghae accepted everyone just the way they came and Zhou Mi found the other too endearing to get annoyed by anyway. Despite Heechul telling him several times to just kiss the guy and get it over with, Zhou Mi never did, respecting Donghae’s choices. Besides, they were more of brothers than lovers anyway.
But apparently Donghae was smarter than he looked, however, because one day the younger pulled him along to go meet someone. He was dragged into some dance class where a blond guy was dancing to some upbeat music, limbs moving so fluently as if dancing was the same as breathing. It made Zhou Mi’s heart skip a beat and he wasn’t able to take his eyes away from the guy for the rest of the song.
His name was Hyukjae, Donghae said, a friend - cousin? acquaintance? brother? He didn’t really catch the rest anymore as Hyukjae stopped dancing right then and walked up to them, flashing one of the cutest gummy smiles ever Zhou Mi’s way. A wave, an introduction by Donghae and some awkward mumbling later, Donghae left the two of them alone to get to know each other.
Hyukjae turned out to be every bit the contradiction Donghae was, childlike yet wise, happy yet thoughtful, making rash comments one moment then blushing shyly as Zhou Mi complimented him. Hyukjae was adorable and Zhou Mi wanted to pocket him forever. Hyukjae was also not as straight as Donghae, so he it was way easier to walk up to him one day and kiss him.
It was all awkward and his legs were too long while Hyukjae was too short, their noses bumped, Hyukjae managed to bite his lip somehow and they ended up stumbling down into a mess of tangled limbs on the floor, giggling uncontrollably over their own clumsiness. But Hyukjae was a good kisser and a great dancer and every time he looked at him, Zhou Mi found his heart skipping a beat.
They lasted a good five months of awkward kisses, cute shyness and comfortable cuddling on the couch before his heart got tired of skipping. He settled into the relationship nicely and he loved Hyukjae, but that was about it. Hyukjae still made him laugh and he still was a good kisser and a great dancer, but he was pretty sure they both felt that it wasn’t meant to be. That was proven to him when he opened the door one evening to a fidgeting - possibly drunk? - Hyukjae, telling him in between a million apologies that he didn’t think they’d work out.
So he went from there, two ex-boyfriend best friends now, one happily together with his new love still, the other happily together with his...dancing. He also still had Donghae - good friend, trying to hook him up with every cute guy and girl he saw - and a few female friends that tried to find him real happiness while they treated him as their gay best friend for life. He wasn’t particularly sure how to feel about that title - he was bi, not just gay - but it amused him how they all did their best to make him happy.
Relationships, however, didn’t seem to be his kind of thing. Judging from the way he stumbled from one failed lover to the next in the passing years he didn’t really know anymore whether he’d end up with a girl in the end or just completely alone. He was moving through his twenties way too fast to be comfortable and the way the big thirty doomed closer wasn’t helping him feel any better about his chances either. Especially not with all of his friends gathering together to plan a huge birthday party just to remind him how old thirty actually was.
And that’s probably where this story really starts, some twelve years after his first kiss with a guy. In a huge hall draped with birthday decorations and colours - way too many colours to be healthy, really - when he reached out to grab a glass of champagne to drink away his worries, but caught a hand instead, with long fingers that curled around his naturally as he turned around in surprise to see who he had grabbed hold of.
“Hello,” a smooth voice had told him, and it was a little like he heard someone speak for the first time. “You’re the birthday boy, right? Or well, I should say man.” It also was a little like speaking for the first time when he clumsily tried to shove some words out of his mouth that really never made it further than his throat.
“H-hi... yes... hello... hi!” He ended with a grin that was probably ninety percent stupid and ten percent retarded, before quickly letting go of the hand he was still holding.
“Thirty...” the woman in front of him continued and he dumbly nodded. “Quite the important age. How does it feel, leaving behind the twenties?” He sent her a smile, probably a little bitter but he didn’t really care. Becoming thirty should allow him to be bitter, right?
“Feels a little like my face is full of wrinkles and I’ll need a walking stick soon from the way people talk about it,” he replied then, making a mental note that he had finally remembered how to talk. She laughed at his words, a sound that sparkled and clattered like a waterfall, but she looked so serene while doing it that it was hard to imagine said waterfall along with it.
“My name’s Ahra,” she introduced herself then - finallly - and he managed a polite nod. “Friend of a friend.”
“Zhou Mi, but you probably knew that already.”
A nod, a smile and then she took hold of two champagne glasses, reaching one out to him. “I assume this is what we both were looking for when we accidentally grabbed hold of each other?” she inquired. He could do nothing but nod, taking the glass and immediately gulping down half of it, not caring what that might look like to her.
“Actually I was also looking for you,” she continued when he lowered his glass again, the words making him look up at her, the question obvious in his expression. “Heechul invited me,” she started explaining then and perhaps that’s when the alarm bells should’ve started ringing in his head, but they didn’t. “Said I should come by, that you’re a nice kid. He’s usually right with these things, you know?”
He nodded, because Heechul’s always right and the fact that he told someone that he - Zhou Mi - is a nice kid, well that’s worth emptying the other half of that champagne glass for. Which he did. She watched with a smile as he put the glass on some waiter’s empty tray and then let the silence carry on a moment longer before putting her own glass down.
“Would you do me a favour?”
Perhaps he should’ve said no, but he didn’t. Instead he said maybe and asked what the favour was. He’s still unsure whether it was a good decision to comply to her request in the end, but it’s useless to start doubting now, because he’s already sitting in the restaurant, waiting for his ‘blind’ date to show up. Kyuhyun, twenty-eight, Ahra’s younger brother. She’d been trying to hook him up with a date for years now, but everyone he met with got rejected.
She had finally decided then that maybe, possibly, her brother wasn’t into the pretty ladies, and after discussing that with Heechul, they apparently thought it a good idea to use him - just turned thirty and desperate to not end up alone in life - to figure out whether Ahra’s hunch was right or not. He doesn’t know whether to be flattered to think he’s made for the job or insulted that they’re only using him in their benefit.
He doesn’t get much time to ponder about that, however, as suddenly the chair across from him is pulled back and he looks up into a pair of chocolate brown eyes that remind him of Ahra’s. Eyebrows are raised in surprise upon seeing his face and Kyuhyun - at least he assumes this is Kyuhyun, he’s about 99,9 percent sure - suddenly snorts, reaching out a hand then to shake his in greeting.
“So noona finally found out, huh?” The question rolls out of the younger man’s mouth in gentle, warm syllables that wrap around Zhou Mi’s ears and make a smile appear on his face even without his approval. “I’m Kyuhyun, but I assume she told you that already. You must be the newest attempt at hooking me up with someone. You look a lot better than the previous ones, I have to admit. Perhaps a little on the skinny side, though. Do you eat?”
He stares. There’s no other way to say it, no way to make it sound less blunt and stupid and rude. He stares with his mouth slightly agape, a completely blank look in his eyes and Kyuhyun’s hand still reached out to him, untouched. He snaps out of it when Kyuhyun starts to retract his hand, quickly reaching out then to take hold of it and shake it.
“Mi,” he introduces himself, honestly surprised that he still remembers his own name. “Zhou Mi. I eat, yes, a lot actually, but don’t tell my female friends. They all think I found the secret to staying slim.” He grins at his own joke, fearing for a heartbeat that he’s saying stupid things, but then Kyuhyun is grinning too and he knows that this is just right. “And your noona didn’t find out yet. She’s just suspecting. In fact, she asked me to have dinner with you just once to see if it was really the case.”
“Well it is. I hope you don’t mind.” It’s said with such genuine concern that he almost wants to walk around the table to wrap Kyuhyun in a big hug and tell him that ‘of course not, like guys all you want, you’re perfect.’ But he doesn’t. In fact, he suddenly realises he’s still holding Kyuhyun’s hand so he let’s go and awkwardly pics up his empty glass. It takes several seconds for him to notice there’s nothing to get out of an empty glass, so he puts it back down awkwardly.
“No, I don’t mind,” he finally finds the words to say, looking up at Kyuhyun then to see the younger is already going over the menu. “What are you doing?” he asks, but regrets it immediately after when Kyuhyun looks up at him with a frown that almost screams ‘are you stupid?’ right in his face.
“I’m picking my dinner, if that’s okay with you?” he replies then, seeming confident as he starts, but then growing more insecure as he continues. “Or was this all just planned to see my reaction? Are we supposed to leave again now that you know?” Kyuhyun glances around the restaurant for a moment, before giving him another pointed look and so he hurries to shake his head.
“No, no, it’s fine. Let’s uhh... Let’s eat, yeah,” he agrees, nodding a little as he picks up his own menu, opening it randomly and staring intently at that page for a full minute before realising he’s holding the thing upside down. He tries to be cool about it as he turns it around, but Kyuhyun’s not really paying attention anyway and it’s not like half the restaurant is staring at his every move. At least he hopes they’re not, because that would be embarrassing.
It goes from there, a little rough around the edges at the start, but once they both happen to order pasta the topic starter is set and everything just rolls about after that. Kyuhyun is nice table company, having a million-and-one stories to tell about everything and nothing - people at work, some guy on the street, his own clumsiness - and it makes Zhou Mi feel comfortable around the other.
They end up ordering desserts too, and coffee after that, finding the time passes by too fast as the evening goes on. It’s midnight when they leave the restaurant, and even then only because they kind of got kicked out - in a nice way. It’s comfortable to just start on a stroll in the general direction of what he assumes is Kyuhyun’s house. Five blocks and an infinite amount of turns further he realises that maybe they’re not really going anywhere. He doesn’t particularly mind.
In the end they do end up on a doorstep, his own to be more precise, because it’s getting close to three and Kyuhyun actually has work in the morning. Zhou Mi suddenly remembers there’s something like life and other people and oh yes, that report he said he’d write after dinner. It’s not that important anyway, if he thinks about it a little more, so he invites Kyuhyun in for another drink - if he wants of course.
Kyuhyun refuses, but it’s done in such a way that it’s obvious he actually wants to accept. Zhou Mi fumbles with his keys as Kyuhyun for once is the one trying to form decent sentences. In the end they both fall silent, just standing there looking at each other. Zhou Mi admires the way Kyuhyun’s dark eyes reflect the light coming from inside his apartment building and then looks a little more down to admire the other’s lips.
“Let’s just kiss,” he decides is a good thing to say at that moment and Kyuhyun laughs, lips parting slightly, teeth flashing, so much happiness bundled into one sound. He doesn’t wait for an answer as he leans in and does exactly what he said should be done. It’s awkward. It actually feels a little like Kyuhyun has never kissed before. And suddenly Zhou Mi knows how Heechul felt all those years ago when he kissed Zhou Mi and Zhou Mi kissed back, no second thoughts.
They make it past the door somehow, and the hallway, and the staircase, mouths glued together as Kyuhyun goes up the stairs first because he’s just that tiny bit less tall than him. It’s only one floor and then he’s pulling away, looking down at his keys to figure out which one he needs. Kyuhyun panting next to his ear is kind of distracting, but he finds the one he needs anyway and safely manages to get them inside.
He takes off his shoes, hangs up his jacket and tries to think of something to say. His mind is blank, however, much like Kyuhyun’s apparently, because when he looks up they’re just standing there looking at each other, both silent and not moving. He thinks over the past evening, reminds himself that he’s only known Kyuhyun for what? Six hours, maybe seven? and he realises he doesn’t give a damn.
“You know...” Kyuhyun breaks the silence then, straightening up a little and giving him a more conscious look. “I really don’t want another drink.” He grins at that and it’s such a goofy expression that Zhou Mi laughs at it, only making Kyuhyun’s grin turn into a pout that is so adorable he wants to take a picture right at that moment so he can look at it whenever he feels bad.
He’s not exactly sure how but they’re soon pressed together again, starting from their lips before everything follows, and he has Kyuhyun up against the wall too at some point, but it doesn’t really matter, because it’s not like they notice anyway. By the time they reach his bed they’re still wearing all their clothes surprisingly, and he hesitates at the edge, wondering if it would be too much in one day to go there.
Kyuhyun makes the decision for him, sticking one foot behind his leg as he pulls at his collar and as he feels himself toppling over, he lets go of the last restraints and falls, careless and willing, all the way, even though Kyuhyun’s actually quite bad at kissing - or at least, he’s had better.
Characters: Everyone!Mi but eventually QMi
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 3.383
Summary: Zhou Mi has long found out that he doesn’t fall for a specific gender, he falls for people.
A/N: I started this weeks ago with the intention of writing something nice for my two friends who like QMi, but then there was literally EVERY Mi pairing my mind could come up with involved and right as I got to the part where there was supposed to be QMi, I blanked out. So much later I watched several sets of QMi pics and vids and finally this came rolling out, more words of QMi than all the other pairings involved. All for you, Frances & Krisy. ♥
- - - - -
Characters
Zhou Mi; because he’s what it’s (almost) all about
Heechul; because he made his way into this story even before I had an idea for it
Donghae; BECAUSE DUDE WHY THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN IN HERE >:(
Hyukjae; because HyukMi is one of the most awkwardly cute things ever
Kyuhyun; because YES THERE’S QMI IT’S REALLY ACTUALLY THERE!!!
- - - - -
Zhou Mi has long found out that he doesn’t fall for a specific gender, he falls for people. It doesn’t matter whether they are tall or short, boy or girl, blond or brown. He merely expects some conversational abilities at least and some kind of emotional understanding. Because he does have a lot of emotions and he needs someone to understand them. And even though he has amazing friends, most of them would never understand the complexity of his inner self.
But actually, if he is completely honest to himself, he mostly falls for good kissers. He loves kissing; lips touching, tongues sneaking, hands wandering. He likes the way the others would lean in, succumb to his touches, melt against his body as he coaxes them with gentle conviction. There isn’t the least bit of embarrassment in him when admitting that the moment the other one would give in to him was one of the moments he loves most.
In the end he realises, though, that he has somehow always expected to end up with a girl; society and the likes. He isn’t up for being judged for the rest of his life. Because no matter what his parents said about supporting him, he’d never forget the look on their faces when he first told them he liked guys too. Not necessarily the fact that he liked guys made them look like that, but the way he said ‘too,’ as if having interest in both genders was the same as telling them he had slept with every person he had met so far.
Which wasn’t true at the time, by the way, not that they were interested, but he wasn’t really up for going past kissing yet back then. At least not with anyone he had met so far. Kissing boys was quite the same as kissing girls. What came after that was vastly different and he wasn’t too sure yet if he wanted to find out exactly HOW different (and which one of the two would appeal to him more). New things were always strange to begin with.
Like the first time he actually kissed a boy. He still remembered that day as if it was just yesterday, Heechul walking up to him and kissing him full on the mouth. And he had responded, surprisingly, he’s pretty sure that the other had not actually expected him to do so either. But the two of them dating because of it was even less expected.
They matched well, though; Heechul’s eccentricity and his patience leveled each other out nicely. Everyone called them a dream pair, Zhou Mi the only one able to handle Heechul’s weird moodswings and unexpected ideas, Heechul the only one to understand Zhou Mi’s eye for fashion. They had love between them, and trust, two of the most important things in relationships, and Heechul was a great kisser, honestly, when he put some effort into it.
But it wasn’t meant to last, that much was clear. They didn’t lack love or trust, and so Heechul trusted Zhou Mi enough to tell him he had fallen in love with someone else. And Zhou Mi loved Heechul enough to find that someone and make the two of them end up together. A week later he no longer had a boyfriend, but he had a very close friend who was intensely happy with his new love.
Since then there had been several, boys and girls alike, who had won his heart, but none of them lasted forever. Five months, nine months, a year, two weeks (she cheated on him),... He grew throughout those relationships, as a boyfriend and as a person, but he never managed to not get tired of them. He told himself it was because nothing ever happened in his life, he knew it was because he had dated Heechul and after that, everyone became normal and boring.
It was several years after his little romance with Heechul when he met Donghae. Happy, childlike, genuine Donghae. Also straighter than a straight line, sadly, or he would’ve taken his chances with the boy. They got along well, Donghae accepted everyone just the way they came and Zhou Mi found the other too endearing to get annoyed by anyway. Despite Heechul telling him several times to just kiss the guy and get it over with, Zhou Mi never did, respecting Donghae’s choices. Besides, they were more of brothers than lovers anyway.
But apparently Donghae was smarter than he looked, however, because one day the younger pulled him along to go meet someone. He was dragged into some dance class where a blond guy was dancing to some upbeat music, limbs moving so fluently as if dancing was the same as breathing. It made Zhou Mi’s heart skip a beat and he wasn’t able to take his eyes away from the guy for the rest of the song.
His name was Hyukjae, Donghae said, a friend - cousin? acquaintance? brother? He didn’t really catch the rest anymore as Hyukjae stopped dancing right then and walked up to them, flashing one of the cutest gummy smiles ever Zhou Mi’s way. A wave, an introduction by Donghae and some awkward mumbling later, Donghae left the two of them alone to get to know each other.
Hyukjae turned out to be every bit the contradiction Donghae was, childlike yet wise, happy yet thoughtful, making rash comments one moment then blushing shyly as Zhou Mi complimented him. Hyukjae was adorable and Zhou Mi wanted to pocket him forever. Hyukjae was also not as straight as Donghae, so he it was way easier to walk up to him one day and kiss him.
It was all awkward and his legs were too long while Hyukjae was too short, their noses bumped, Hyukjae managed to bite his lip somehow and they ended up stumbling down into a mess of tangled limbs on the floor, giggling uncontrollably over their own clumsiness. But Hyukjae was a good kisser and a great dancer and every time he looked at him, Zhou Mi found his heart skipping a beat.
They lasted a good five months of awkward kisses, cute shyness and comfortable cuddling on the couch before his heart got tired of skipping. He settled into the relationship nicely and he loved Hyukjae, but that was about it. Hyukjae still made him laugh and he still was a good kisser and a great dancer, but he was pretty sure they both felt that it wasn’t meant to be. That was proven to him when he opened the door one evening to a fidgeting - possibly drunk? - Hyukjae, telling him in between a million apologies that he didn’t think they’d work out.
So he went from there, two ex-boyfriend best friends now, one happily together with his new love still, the other happily together with his...dancing. He also still had Donghae - good friend, trying to hook him up with every cute guy and girl he saw - and a few female friends that tried to find him real happiness while they treated him as their gay best friend for life. He wasn’t particularly sure how to feel about that title - he was bi, not just gay - but it amused him how they all did their best to make him happy.
Relationships, however, didn’t seem to be his kind of thing. Judging from the way he stumbled from one failed lover to the next in the passing years he didn’t really know anymore whether he’d end up with a girl in the end or just completely alone. He was moving through his twenties way too fast to be comfortable and the way the big thirty doomed closer wasn’t helping him feel any better about his chances either. Especially not with all of his friends gathering together to plan a huge birthday party just to remind him how old thirty actually was.
And that’s probably where this story really starts, some twelve years after his first kiss with a guy. In a huge hall draped with birthday decorations and colours - way too many colours to be healthy, really - when he reached out to grab a glass of champagne to drink away his worries, but caught a hand instead, with long fingers that curled around his naturally as he turned around in surprise to see who he had grabbed hold of.
“Hello,” a smooth voice had told him, and it was a little like he heard someone speak for the first time. “You’re the birthday boy, right? Or well, I should say man.” It also was a little like speaking for the first time when he clumsily tried to shove some words out of his mouth that really never made it further than his throat.
“H-hi... yes... hello... hi!” He ended with a grin that was probably ninety percent stupid and ten percent retarded, before quickly letting go of the hand he was still holding.
“Thirty...” the woman in front of him continued and he dumbly nodded. “Quite the important age. How does it feel, leaving behind the twenties?” He sent her a smile, probably a little bitter but he didn’t really care. Becoming thirty should allow him to be bitter, right?
“Feels a little like my face is full of wrinkles and I’ll need a walking stick soon from the way people talk about it,” he replied then, making a mental note that he had finally remembered how to talk. She laughed at his words, a sound that sparkled and clattered like a waterfall, but she looked so serene while doing it that it was hard to imagine said waterfall along with it.
“My name’s Ahra,” she introduced herself then - finallly - and he managed a polite nod. “Friend of a friend.”
“Zhou Mi, but you probably knew that already.”
A nod, a smile and then she took hold of two champagne glasses, reaching one out to him. “I assume this is what we both were looking for when we accidentally grabbed hold of each other?” she inquired. He could do nothing but nod, taking the glass and immediately gulping down half of it, not caring what that might look like to her.
“Actually I was also looking for you,” she continued when he lowered his glass again, the words making him look up at her, the question obvious in his expression. “Heechul invited me,” she started explaining then and perhaps that’s when the alarm bells should’ve started ringing in his head, but they didn’t. “Said I should come by, that you’re a nice kid. He’s usually right with these things, you know?”
He nodded, because Heechul’s always right and the fact that he told someone that he - Zhou Mi - is a nice kid, well that’s worth emptying the other half of that champagne glass for. Which he did. She watched with a smile as he put the glass on some waiter’s empty tray and then let the silence carry on a moment longer before putting her own glass down.
“Would you do me a favour?”
Perhaps he should’ve said no, but he didn’t. Instead he said maybe and asked what the favour was. He’s still unsure whether it was a good decision to comply to her request in the end, but it’s useless to start doubting now, because he’s already sitting in the restaurant, waiting for his ‘blind’ date to show up. Kyuhyun, twenty-eight, Ahra’s younger brother. She’d been trying to hook him up with a date for years now, but everyone he met with got rejected.
She had finally decided then that maybe, possibly, her brother wasn’t into the pretty ladies, and after discussing that with Heechul, they apparently thought it a good idea to use him - just turned thirty and desperate to not end up alone in life - to figure out whether Ahra’s hunch was right or not. He doesn’t know whether to be flattered to think he’s made for the job or insulted that they’re only using him in their benefit.
He doesn’t get much time to ponder about that, however, as suddenly the chair across from him is pulled back and he looks up into a pair of chocolate brown eyes that remind him of Ahra’s. Eyebrows are raised in surprise upon seeing his face and Kyuhyun - at least he assumes this is Kyuhyun, he’s about 99,9 percent sure - suddenly snorts, reaching out a hand then to shake his in greeting.
“So noona finally found out, huh?” The question rolls out of the younger man’s mouth in gentle, warm syllables that wrap around Zhou Mi’s ears and make a smile appear on his face even without his approval. “I’m Kyuhyun, but I assume she told you that already. You must be the newest attempt at hooking me up with someone. You look a lot better than the previous ones, I have to admit. Perhaps a little on the skinny side, though. Do you eat?”
He stares. There’s no other way to say it, no way to make it sound less blunt and stupid and rude. He stares with his mouth slightly agape, a completely blank look in his eyes and Kyuhyun’s hand still reached out to him, untouched. He snaps out of it when Kyuhyun starts to retract his hand, quickly reaching out then to take hold of it and shake it.
“Mi,” he introduces himself, honestly surprised that he still remembers his own name. “Zhou Mi. I eat, yes, a lot actually, but don’t tell my female friends. They all think I found the secret to staying slim.” He grins at his own joke, fearing for a heartbeat that he’s saying stupid things, but then Kyuhyun is grinning too and he knows that this is just right. “And your noona didn’t find out yet. She’s just suspecting. In fact, she asked me to have dinner with you just once to see if it was really the case.”
“Well it is. I hope you don’t mind.” It’s said with such genuine concern that he almost wants to walk around the table to wrap Kyuhyun in a big hug and tell him that ‘of course not, like guys all you want, you’re perfect.’ But he doesn’t. In fact, he suddenly realises he’s still holding Kyuhyun’s hand so he let’s go and awkwardly pics up his empty glass. It takes several seconds for him to notice there’s nothing to get out of an empty glass, so he puts it back down awkwardly.
“No, I don’t mind,” he finally finds the words to say, looking up at Kyuhyun then to see the younger is already going over the menu. “What are you doing?” he asks, but regrets it immediately after when Kyuhyun looks up at him with a frown that almost screams ‘are you stupid?’ right in his face.
“I’m picking my dinner, if that’s okay with you?” he replies then, seeming confident as he starts, but then growing more insecure as he continues. “Or was this all just planned to see my reaction? Are we supposed to leave again now that you know?” Kyuhyun glances around the restaurant for a moment, before giving him another pointed look and so he hurries to shake his head.
“No, no, it’s fine. Let’s uhh... Let’s eat, yeah,” he agrees, nodding a little as he picks up his own menu, opening it randomly and staring intently at that page for a full minute before realising he’s holding the thing upside down. He tries to be cool about it as he turns it around, but Kyuhyun’s not really paying attention anyway and it’s not like half the restaurant is staring at his every move. At least he hopes they’re not, because that would be embarrassing.
It goes from there, a little rough around the edges at the start, but once they both happen to order pasta the topic starter is set and everything just rolls about after that. Kyuhyun is nice table company, having a million-and-one stories to tell about everything and nothing - people at work, some guy on the street, his own clumsiness - and it makes Zhou Mi feel comfortable around the other.
They end up ordering desserts too, and coffee after that, finding the time passes by too fast as the evening goes on. It’s midnight when they leave the restaurant, and even then only because they kind of got kicked out - in a nice way. It’s comfortable to just start on a stroll in the general direction of what he assumes is Kyuhyun’s house. Five blocks and an infinite amount of turns further he realises that maybe they’re not really going anywhere. He doesn’t particularly mind.
In the end they do end up on a doorstep, his own to be more precise, because it’s getting close to three and Kyuhyun actually has work in the morning. Zhou Mi suddenly remembers there’s something like life and other people and oh yes, that report he said he’d write after dinner. It’s not that important anyway, if he thinks about it a little more, so he invites Kyuhyun in for another drink - if he wants of course.
Kyuhyun refuses, but it’s done in such a way that it’s obvious he actually wants to accept. Zhou Mi fumbles with his keys as Kyuhyun for once is the one trying to form decent sentences. In the end they both fall silent, just standing there looking at each other. Zhou Mi admires the way Kyuhyun’s dark eyes reflect the light coming from inside his apartment building and then looks a little more down to admire the other’s lips.
“Let’s just kiss,” he decides is a good thing to say at that moment and Kyuhyun laughs, lips parting slightly, teeth flashing, so much happiness bundled into one sound. He doesn’t wait for an answer as he leans in and does exactly what he said should be done. It’s awkward. It actually feels a little like Kyuhyun has never kissed before. And suddenly Zhou Mi knows how Heechul felt all those years ago when he kissed Zhou Mi and Zhou Mi kissed back, no second thoughts.
They make it past the door somehow, and the hallway, and the staircase, mouths glued together as Kyuhyun goes up the stairs first because he’s just that tiny bit less tall than him. It’s only one floor and then he’s pulling away, looking down at his keys to figure out which one he needs. Kyuhyun panting next to his ear is kind of distracting, but he finds the one he needs anyway and safely manages to get them inside.
He takes off his shoes, hangs up his jacket and tries to think of something to say. His mind is blank, however, much like Kyuhyun’s apparently, because when he looks up they’re just standing there looking at each other, both silent and not moving. He thinks over the past evening, reminds himself that he’s only known Kyuhyun for what? Six hours, maybe seven? and he realises he doesn’t give a damn.
“You know...” Kyuhyun breaks the silence then, straightening up a little and giving him a more conscious look. “I really don’t want another drink.” He grins at that and it’s such a goofy expression that Zhou Mi laughs at it, only making Kyuhyun’s grin turn into a pout that is so adorable he wants to take a picture right at that moment so he can look at it whenever he feels bad.
He’s not exactly sure how but they’re soon pressed together again, starting from their lips before everything follows, and he has Kyuhyun up against the wall too at some point, but it doesn’t really matter, because it’s not like they notice anyway. By the time they reach his bed they’re still wearing all their clothes surprisingly, and he hesitates at the edge, wondering if it would be too much in one day to go there.
Kyuhyun makes the decision for him, sticking one foot behind his leg as he pulls at his collar and as he feels himself toppling over, he lets go of the last restraints and falls, careless and willing, all the way, even though Kyuhyun’s actually quite bad at kissing - or at least, he’s had better.
Wednesday, 31 August 2011
[FIC] Innuendos of time
Title: Innuendos of time
Characters: Undefined
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 919
Summary: I guess that was the breaking point. Or maybe we were never whole to begin with.
A/N: At certain occasions I brush through my files and find a file with a name I don't recognise. Very rarely it happens that when I open that file I open up a treasure, and this fic was much like that. Written when I had just come home from my holiday in July, based on personal experience and complete fantasy.
- - - - -
I came home one day to the sound of my world crashing down on me and I remember not having a single clue what was going on. It was then that I started becoming like this – so weak.
High school means a few years of trying to make it to the top of the people at the bottom of society. Some say the beggars and the ones without money are the bottom, but I firmly disagree. After all… What value does a high school student hold? What value do money and prestige have in the corrupt system of the judging high school kids?
It’s amusing sometimes, looking at how ridiculously happy people get when they receive the support and love of their family. How they are all so contented with the emotions of love shared in their family. And here I am having a father who loves me so much he would ruin – already has ruined - himself for his children yet I don’t even know how to look at him.
But there’s not much I can do about it, really. It’s his decision if he wants to pass out several times in a day because he drinks too much. His decision if he wants to forget things I told him five times and complain that he’s getting old, when really all he ever gets is drunk – every single day.
Sometimes you can see the world coming to a halt and you realise just what exactly it is that’s really important to you. That might have been one of those moments for me. I realised I had nothing left.
My family is not close to my heart. My family is some people who happen to live in the same house I do, thereby ruining any homey feeling it might have held for me. My family is tiny pieces of conversation amounting to nothing mixed with disappointment, disapproval and a constantly present one-sided desire to make everything more normal. But we were never normal and we will never be either.
We gave up our chance on normality when we secluded ourselves with our own computers, our own tiny islands of life away from each other. Each for our own personal reasons that made some sort of sense to us at the time. But I guess that was the breaking point. Or maybe we were never whole to begin with.
I came home one day to three words that shook me so thoroughly I have never been able to erase them from my mind after that and I remember crying more than I had in the past. I cried even more in the years that followed.
Growing up is not so much a process as it is a battle. Trying to figure out how to become older while still being young. Teenagers are the most misunderstood and misunderstanding people there are in the world, struggling to get somewhere, be grownup while still locked up in the box labelled ‘youth’.
We all struggle to become something we feel we can be proud of, something others are proud of. But what we really need is to be someone we can be, someone we are, no complications attached. Because there’s no use trying to be something you’re not, in the end you’ll always be yourself once things really start to matter, and if they didn’t know you were like that by then, people will leave. Maybe only a few, maybe a lot, but there will always be people leaving.
Life is treacherous to those who play it fair and kind on those who play foul. There’s no limits to dishonesty, no boundaries to the evil that people tend to commit for ‘the greater good’. And what are we? Mere ants in the vastness of it all. An insignificant bunch of crawling, disgusting things.
Sometimes it takes only one second to realise you love something more than yourself and that you’d do anything to protect it, but usually it’s already too late by then. I came home one day to a declaration that tore my soul apart.
They told me once that maybe I was blaming my father for everything that happened. Up to now I still wonder if I do. I don’t feel like I blame him for the past, I just blame him for being him. Does that make it any less pitiable or wrong? I guess not. It certainly doesn’t ease my will to leave this place forever.
If anything I can say that life is no box of chocolates anymore to me. I know exactly what I’ll get, every single day over and over again, a repetition of a ritual that I have grown out of years ago. I have long grown up. I decided I was an adult long before my body showed signs of that. With a mind that works at lightning speed, but only comes up with the things that hurt most.
The memories run clear when I open the window and the wind blows into my face. It’s a cold reminder of the things I should have done. I’ve always wanted to be someone big and people tell me that I still have a whole life in front of me to become so, but I feel like I should’ve started becoming a few years ago and that it’s way too late for me by now. Yet I still don’t give up on trying, like a brainless fool. Or maybe I’m just bad with endings.
“Your mother died.”
Characters: Undefined
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 919
Summary: I guess that was the breaking point. Or maybe we were never whole to begin with.
A/N: At certain occasions I brush through my files and find a file with a name I don't recognise. Very rarely it happens that when I open that file I open up a treasure, and this fic was much like that. Written when I had just come home from my holiday in July, based on personal experience and complete fantasy.
- - - - -
I came home one day to the sound of my world crashing down on me and I remember not having a single clue what was going on. It was then that I started becoming like this – so weak.
High school means a few years of trying to make it to the top of the people at the bottom of society. Some say the beggars and the ones without money are the bottom, but I firmly disagree. After all… What value does a high school student hold? What value do money and prestige have in the corrupt system of the judging high school kids?
It’s amusing sometimes, looking at how ridiculously happy people get when they receive the support and love of their family. How they are all so contented with the emotions of love shared in their family. And here I am having a father who loves me so much he would ruin – already has ruined - himself for his children yet I don’t even know how to look at him.
But there’s not much I can do about it, really. It’s his decision if he wants to pass out several times in a day because he drinks too much. His decision if he wants to forget things I told him five times and complain that he’s getting old, when really all he ever gets is drunk – every single day.
Sometimes you can see the world coming to a halt and you realise just what exactly it is that’s really important to you. That might have been one of those moments for me. I realised I had nothing left.
My family is not close to my heart. My family is some people who happen to live in the same house I do, thereby ruining any homey feeling it might have held for me. My family is tiny pieces of conversation amounting to nothing mixed with disappointment, disapproval and a constantly present one-sided desire to make everything more normal. But we were never normal and we will never be either.
We gave up our chance on normality when we secluded ourselves with our own computers, our own tiny islands of life away from each other. Each for our own personal reasons that made some sort of sense to us at the time. But I guess that was the breaking point. Or maybe we were never whole to begin with.
I came home one day to three words that shook me so thoroughly I have never been able to erase them from my mind after that and I remember crying more than I had in the past. I cried even more in the years that followed.
Growing up is not so much a process as it is a battle. Trying to figure out how to become older while still being young. Teenagers are the most misunderstood and misunderstanding people there are in the world, struggling to get somewhere, be grownup while still locked up in the box labelled ‘youth’.
We all struggle to become something we feel we can be proud of, something others are proud of. But what we really need is to be someone we can be, someone we are, no complications attached. Because there’s no use trying to be something you’re not, in the end you’ll always be yourself once things really start to matter, and if they didn’t know you were like that by then, people will leave. Maybe only a few, maybe a lot, but there will always be people leaving.
Life is treacherous to those who play it fair and kind on those who play foul. There’s no limits to dishonesty, no boundaries to the evil that people tend to commit for ‘the greater good’. And what are we? Mere ants in the vastness of it all. An insignificant bunch of crawling, disgusting things.
Sometimes it takes only one second to realise you love something more than yourself and that you’d do anything to protect it, but usually it’s already too late by then. I came home one day to a declaration that tore my soul apart.
They told me once that maybe I was blaming my father for everything that happened. Up to now I still wonder if I do. I don’t feel like I blame him for the past, I just blame him for being him. Does that make it any less pitiable or wrong? I guess not. It certainly doesn’t ease my will to leave this place forever.
If anything I can say that life is no box of chocolates anymore to me. I know exactly what I’ll get, every single day over and over again, a repetition of a ritual that I have grown out of years ago. I have long grown up. I decided I was an adult long before my body showed signs of that. With a mind that works at lightning speed, but only comes up with the things that hurt most.
The memories run clear when I open the window and the wind blows into my face. It’s a cold reminder of the things I should have done. I’ve always wanted to be someone big and people tell me that I still have a whole life in front of me to become so, but I feel like I should’ve started becoming a few years ago and that it’s way too late for me by now. Yet I still don’t give up on trying, like a brainless fool. Or maybe I’m just bad with endings.
“Your mother died.”
[FIC] The mirror paints her imperfections
Title: The mirror paints her imperfections
Characters: Undefined
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 783
Summary: Inside of her it's freezing and shivers and icicles fallen from the tips of leaves.
A/N: Written after reading a fic that had totally no relation to this topic whatsoever. I just felt like writing something new, a subject I haven't tackled yet before. I don't know if this is rash or confronting, but well, a view on eating disorders?
- - - - -
Inside of her it’s cold. Everything is freezing and shivers and icicles fallen from the tips of leaves, piercing through her heart and tearing at her insides. She vaguely remembers what it was like to feel warm, but she can only grab at that feeling, brushing her fingertips over the gentle heat, in a faded memory of what once was everything to her.
( “Goddammit! I’ve had enough! I can’t take this anymore, seeing you exert yourself so much day after day. You’re perfect enough, so stop trying to become better!”
She wants to say she knows, that of course she’s not perfect, she’s trying to be perfect for him, because he takes her as she is, all of her imperfections bundled together, and he deserves so much more, but all that comes out is a pathetic whimper as he pulls his arm out of her grip and walks away. )
The sun shines peacefully, warming her skin as she sits on the cement balustrade of her balcony, staring at the cars that pass by more than occasionally. A shiver wrecks through her body, goosebumps carving relief into her skin as she tenses her muscles for a moment before relaxing again. She closes her eyes and blocks out the countless cars that keep rushing past. The sun moves to a higher point in the sky, shining brighter and warmer, but she doesn’t feel it, it doesn’t melt the ice just beneath her skin.
( “Why do you do this to yourself?”
The voice whispering those words sounds broken and she wants to cradle that face in her hands and ask what he means, because she’s not doing anything to anyone. But before the words can leave her mouth her eyes find his and he looks so incredibly sad that she doesn’t think she can lie to him like that.
“Please promise me you’ll stop.”
She smiles and nods, leaning into his touch and smothering her promise against his lips, knowing full well she won’t, can’t promise him something like that. )
It’s nice to be outside. It’s been a long time since that happened last, these people trying to keep her inside when she actually wants to be outside and enjoy the nice summer weather. But lately nothing seems to satisfy her anymore, not even the brightly shining sun that draws prettily shaped patterns on the ground.
( “Look at yourself! Don’t you see?”
She nods because she does. She sees curves where things should be flat, flatness where there should be curves. She sees inaccuracies and the way she comes up short for what she wants to be. The mirror paints her imperfections. It makes her want to turn away, but his hands keep her in place and she smiles at his reflection in the mirror, grateful that he helps her see what’s wrong, that he helps her become a better person. )
The last time she ate a grotesque meal like the ones you get in a restaurant probably is several weeks ago by now and it makes her feel proud of herself. She counts the calories she puts in her body like she counts sheep before sleeping, quick, effective, pragmatic and every day doing it over and over again. It gives her a sense of control, the way she can decide exactly how much she allows her body to have and it brushes away her insecurity like magic.
( “Do you know what you’re doing? One day this will kill you!”
She laughs at his silliness, at the way he still tries to toy with her, still tries to test her resolution by making it seem like she’s doing something bad.
“Silly.” she says with a chuckle, running her fingers through his hair and pressing a kiss on his lips. “I know perfectly well what I’m doing. I’m not letting it kill me.” )
Her body trembles violently by now and she faintly wonders why it’s so cold, why no one else notices how the sun is not giving the same warmth as it used to anymore. She feels how her muscles tense up and relax at random, as if receiving small electric shocks at short intervals. It makes no sense to her that she can’t seem to control her limbs anymore as she topples over, falling to the balcony floor one metre below.
( “You look wonderful today.”
She forces a smile, takes the compliment even though she knows it’s a lie - something to make her feel better. He wraps his arms around her and it irks her how long his arms need to be to fit around her middle. She decides she has to change this. )
Characters: Undefined
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 783
Summary: Inside of her it's freezing and shivers and icicles fallen from the tips of leaves.
A/N: Written after reading a fic that had totally no relation to this topic whatsoever. I just felt like writing something new, a subject I haven't tackled yet before. I don't know if this is rash or confronting, but well, a view on eating disorders?
- - - - -
Inside of her it’s cold. Everything is freezing and shivers and icicles fallen from the tips of leaves, piercing through her heart and tearing at her insides. She vaguely remembers what it was like to feel warm, but she can only grab at that feeling, brushing her fingertips over the gentle heat, in a faded memory of what once was everything to her.
( “Goddammit! I’ve had enough! I can’t take this anymore, seeing you exert yourself so much day after day. You’re perfect enough, so stop trying to become better!”
She wants to say she knows, that of course she’s not perfect, she’s trying to be perfect for him, because he takes her as she is, all of her imperfections bundled together, and he deserves so much more, but all that comes out is a pathetic whimper as he pulls his arm out of her grip and walks away. )
The sun shines peacefully, warming her skin as she sits on the cement balustrade of her balcony, staring at the cars that pass by more than occasionally. A shiver wrecks through her body, goosebumps carving relief into her skin as she tenses her muscles for a moment before relaxing again. She closes her eyes and blocks out the countless cars that keep rushing past. The sun moves to a higher point in the sky, shining brighter and warmer, but she doesn’t feel it, it doesn’t melt the ice just beneath her skin.
( “Why do you do this to yourself?”
The voice whispering those words sounds broken and she wants to cradle that face in her hands and ask what he means, because she’s not doing anything to anyone. But before the words can leave her mouth her eyes find his and he looks so incredibly sad that she doesn’t think she can lie to him like that.
“Please promise me you’ll stop.”
She smiles and nods, leaning into his touch and smothering her promise against his lips, knowing full well she won’t, can’t promise him something like that. )
It’s nice to be outside. It’s been a long time since that happened last, these people trying to keep her inside when she actually wants to be outside and enjoy the nice summer weather. But lately nothing seems to satisfy her anymore, not even the brightly shining sun that draws prettily shaped patterns on the ground.
( “Look at yourself! Don’t you see?”
She nods because she does. She sees curves where things should be flat, flatness where there should be curves. She sees inaccuracies and the way she comes up short for what she wants to be. The mirror paints her imperfections. It makes her want to turn away, but his hands keep her in place and she smiles at his reflection in the mirror, grateful that he helps her see what’s wrong, that he helps her become a better person. )
The last time she ate a grotesque meal like the ones you get in a restaurant probably is several weeks ago by now and it makes her feel proud of herself. She counts the calories she puts in her body like she counts sheep before sleeping, quick, effective, pragmatic and every day doing it over and over again. It gives her a sense of control, the way she can decide exactly how much she allows her body to have and it brushes away her insecurity like magic.
( “Do you know what you’re doing? One day this will kill you!”
She laughs at his silliness, at the way he still tries to toy with her, still tries to test her resolution by making it seem like she’s doing something bad.
“Silly.” she says with a chuckle, running her fingers through his hair and pressing a kiss on his lips. “I know perfectly well what I’m doing. I’m not letting it kill me.” )
Her body trembles violently by now and she faintly wonders why it’s so cold, why no one else notices how the sun is not giving the same warmth as it used to anymore. She feels how her muscles tense up and relax at random, as if receiving small electric shocks at short intervals. It makes no sense to her that she can’t seem to control her limbs anymore as she topples over, falling to the balcony floor one metre below.
( “You look wonderful today.”
She forces a smile, takes the compliment even though she knows it’s a lie - something to make her feel better. He wraps his arms around her and it irks her how long his arms need to be to fit around her middle. She decides she has to change this. )
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