Characters: Jongwoon, OC
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 625
Summary: Even though he's the one who decided to go, it seems she let go easier than he did.
A/N: I'm doing a Role Play with my bestie on MSN and since we've been doing this for like 4 or 5 months already, a lot of stuff has happened so far. Not too long ago some events got me to write this when Jongwoon's POV suddenly possessed me during economics class. I quite liked it despite the drama. x]
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Sometimes he wondered whether things could have been different. If he had not wanted the other’s happiness so much, if he had just been selfish, would they still be together? It ate at him in the early crooks of morning or in the dark hours of the night when he was hidden away in Jungsoo’s arms, trying to fend off tears that didn’t seem to ever stop running over his cheeks. He would huddle closer into the warmth of the elder’s embrace, trying not to wake him up because the leader obviously needed his sleep more than anyone else in the dorm.
He envied Hyukjae, really, for being able to go from best friend to boyfriend and then back to best friend just like that. He found it hard to imagine being close to her, but not being allowed to hold, touching her but not being allowed to kiss, hugging her but then having to let go again to see her hide away in someone else’s arms, smiling that special bright smile at his hyung instead of at him. He wanted to hate her, but he loved her too much for that. He wanted a shut down button for feelings, but of course there was no such thing. The only thing he could do was suffer in silence, his feelings eating him from the inside out, with nothing to take his mind away from the pain.
Perfection wasn’t so bad after all, he mused in the dark of the night while Jungsoo’s even breathing tried to lull him into sleep but failed terribly at that. He remembered Heechul complaining once that it sucked to be considered perfect, because everyone expected him to always do the perfect things and react in perfect ways while he was just a human being like everyone else. Yet that didn’t seem to stop his hyung from getting his
She HAD been his, he realised with bitter regret, but he had let her go because he thought she wasn't happy with him. He had told her to go find someone who made her happy, but he certainly had not expected for her to stumble into Heechul's arms in her desperation after being left by herself. She could not be alone, she told him, but he had waved it off as an attempt to get him back. Yet she hadn’t been lying and she had searched for someone else to fill up the empty spot he had left. And somehow that stuck up, arrogant hyung of his had found it in himself to get a heart - right at the wrong time of course - and fall in love. With his girl. And she started loving that perfect hyung too. She had even chosen Heechul over him.
If someone would ask him to portray love through a picture, he’d find them an image of a broken heart, thrown around the room and stepped on multiple times, before being put back together with red painted duct tape, as if to mask the artificial feeling of it all. He’d stuff the image under their nose and rub them into the cruelty of the image, until they would all realise just how much his heart was like that and how much he wished she’d just come back to him and mend the ruptures with one touch of her hand.
But she didn’t. She wouldn’t. She left and it was his own fault. He’d never hold her again, touch her again or kiss her again. With that crushing thought, he hid his face against Jungsoo’s chest again and spilled more useless tears, because there was no other way to express his agony.
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