Sunday, 9 October 2011

[MISC] Fic Prompts

Random post because I haven't been able to decently write out anything for ages now. Sadly my writing inspiration is limited to 2 lines before it dies out completely. Well actually my inspiration gets me a very long way, but then my will to write grabs its suitcase and waves bye to me as it goes on a holiday, so there really hasn't been much written by me lately. However, I did write a few of those 2-liner thingies of which many are rather great (even if I do say so myself) so I decided to post them up. I might still use some of these in one of my future fics, but I might also not. If anyone happens to read this and decides that yes, there is something in here I'd like to use for a fic; feel free. Just drop me a comment with the link to the end result or something because I'd love to see what others make of the lines I came up with. ^-^

- - - - -
1.
There was silence and darkness, until suddenly the door opened and someone took hold of her hand to pull her up and outside of the room.
- - - - -
2.
He had always been there, but she had just been too blind to see, and now that she noticed, someone else was first.
- - - - -
3.
“I live for love, peace, understanding. Things this world has forgotten. You wouldn’t know, because you were just a baby when the world started changing into this.”
- - - - -
4.
You think you belong, but you don’t. You’re young, you need to go out and find that place where you DO belong.
- - - - -
5.
Life has only one certainty: death.
- - - - -
6.
There’s give and take, but sometimes you just have to keep.
- - - - -
7.
Silence lasts as long as we don’t call it by name.
- - - - -
8.
Loneliness is a choice, being alone is not always.
- - - - -
9.
Every day it’s you against the world. Go at it.
- - - - -
10.
He’s two steps out of the door when she holds him back and begs him to give them another chance. He replies he doesn’t want to give any chances to her anymore.
- - - - -
11.
Honestly he’s not mine. He might think he is, but he’s not. And I’m not his. I might try to be, but I’m not.
- - - - -
12.
Learning to let go is not a bad thing, it saves you from a lot of heartaches. Unless you learn how to let go before things even start, then it just saves you from life altogether.
- - - - -
13.
There are 365 days in a year, but it takes only one to make a difference.
“I love you.”
- - - - -
14.
Somewhere halfway into dying he realises he’s not yet up for the blame of forcing his parents to fix his funeral, so he picks himself up and starts to live again.
- - - - -
15.
Today is a cold day. Not just outside of the house, but inside as well. And inside of him, there’s ice.
- - - - -

Friday, 2 September 2011

[FIC] The difficulty of Kyu & Mi

Title: The difficulty of Kyu & Mi ( or how many people it takes for QMi to happen )
Characters: Everyone!Mi but eventually QMi
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 3.383
Summary: Zhou Mi has long found out that he doesn’t fall for a specific gender, he falls for people.
A/N: I started this weeks ago with the intention of writing something nice for my two friends who like QMi, but then there was literally EVERY Mi pairing my mind could come up with involved and right as I got to the part where there was supposed to be QMi, I blanked out. So much later I watched several sets of QMi pics and vids and finally this came rolling out, more words of QMi than all the other pairings involved. All for you, Frances & Krisy. ♥

- - - - -

Characters
Zhou Mi; because he’s what it’s (almost) all about
Heechul; because he made his way into this story even before I had an idea for it
Donghae; BECAUSE DUDE WHY THE HELL ARE YOU EVEN IN HERE >:(
Hyukjae; because HyukMi is one of the most awkwardly cute things ever
Kyuhyun; because YES THERE’S QMI IT’S REALLY ACTUALLY THERE!!!

- - - - -

Zhou Mi has long found out that he doesn’t fall for a specific gender, he falls for people. It doesn’t matter whether they are tall or short, boy or girl, blond or brown. He merely expects some conversational abilities at least and some kind of emotional understanding. Because he does have a lot of emotions and he needs someone to understand them. And even though he has amazing friends, most of them would never understand the complexity of his inner self.

But actually, if he is completely honest to himself, he mostly falls for good kissers. He loves kissing; lips touching, tongues sneaking, hands wandering. He likes the way the others would lean in, succumb to his touches, melt against his body as he coaxes them with gentle conviction. There isn’t the least bit of embarrassment in him when admitting that the moment the other one would give in to him was one of the moments he loves most.

In the end he realises, though, that he has somehow always expected to end up with a girl; society and the likes. He isn’t up for being judged for the rest of his life. Because no matter what his parents said about supporting him, he’d never forget the look on their faces when he first told them he liked guys too. Not necessarily the fact that he liked guys made them look like that, but the way he said ‘too,’ as if having interest in both genders was the same as telling them he had slept with every person he had met so far.

Which wasn’t true at the time, by the way, not that they were interested, but he wasn’t really up for going past kissing yet back then. At least not with anyone he had met so far. Kissing boys was quite the same as kissing girls. What came after that was vastly different and he wasn’t too sure yet if he wanted to find out exactly HOW different (and which one of the two would appeal to him more). New things were always strange to begin with.

Like the first time he actually kissed a boy. He still remembered that day as if it was just yesterday, Heechul walking up to him and kissing him full on the mouth. And he had responded, surprisingly, he’s pretty sure that the other had not actually expected him to do so either. But the two of them dating because of it was even less expected.

They matched well, though; Heechul’s eccentricity and his patience leveled each other out nicely. Everyone called them a dream pair, Zhou Mi the only one able to handle Heechul’s weird moodswings and unexpected ideas, Heechul the only one to understand Zhou Mi’s eye for fashion. They had love between them, and trust, two of the most important things in relationships, and Heechul was a great kisser, honestly, when he put some effort into it.

But it wasn’t meant to last, that much was clear. They didn’t lack love or trust, and so Heechul trusted Zhou Mi enough to tell him he had fallen in love with someone else. And Zhou Mi loved Heechul enough to find that someone and make the two of them end up together. A week later he no longer had a boyfriend, but he had a very close friend who was intensely happy with his new love.

Since then there had been several, boys and girls alike, who had won his heart, but none of them lasted forever. Five months, nine months, a year, two weeks (she cheated on him),... He grew throughout those relationships, as a boyfriend and as a person, but he never managed to not get tired of them. He told himself it was because nothing ever happened in his life, he knew it was because he had dated Heechul and after that, everyone became normal and boring.

It was several years after his little romance with Heechul when he met Donghae. Happy, childlike, genuine Donghae. Also straighter than a straight line, sadly, or he would’ve taken his chances with the boy. They got along well, Donghae accepted everyone just the way they came and Zhou Mi found the other too endearing to get annoyed by anyway. Despite Heechul telling him several times to just kiss the guy and get it over with, Zhou Mi never did, respecting Donghae’s choices. Besides, they were more of brothers than lovers anyway.

But apparently Donghae was smarter than he looked, however, because one day the younger pulled him along to go meet someone. He was dragged into some dance class where a blond guy was dancing to some upbeat music, limbs moving so fluently as if dancing was the same as breathing. It made Zhou Mi’s heart skip a beat and he wasn’t able to take his eyes away from the guy for the rest of the song.

His name was Hyukjae, Donghae said, a friend - cousin? acquaintance? brother? He didn’t really catch the rest anymore as Hyukjae stopped dancing right then and walked up to them, flashing one of the cutest gummy smiles ever Zhou Mi’s way. A wave, an introduction by Donghae and some awkward mumbling later, Donghae left the two of them alone to get to know each other.

Hyukjae turned out to be every bit the contradiction Donghae was, childlike yet wise, happy yet thoughtful, making rash comments one moment then blushing shyly as Zhou Mi complimented him. Hyukjae was adorable and Zhou Mi wanted to pocket him forever. Hyukjae was also not as straight as Donghae, so he it was way easier to walk up to him one day and kiss him.

It was all awkward and his legs were too long while Hyukjae was too short, their noses bumped, Hyukjae managed to bite his lip somehow and they ended up stumbling down into a mess of tangled limbs on the floor, giggling uncontrollably over their own clumsiness. But Hyukjae was a good kisser and a great dancer and every time he looked at him, Zhou Mi found his heart skipping a beat.

They lasted a good five months of awkward kisses, cute shyness and comfortable cuddling on the couch before his heart got tired of skipping. He settled into the relationship nicely and he loved Hyukjae, but that was about it. Hyukjae still made him laugh and he still was a good kisser and a great dancer, but he was pretty sure they both felt that it wasn’t meant to be. That was proven to him when he opened the door one evening to a fidgeting - possibly drunk? - Hyukjae, telling him in between a million apologies that he didn’t think they’d work out.

So he went from there, two ex-boyfriend best friends now, one happily together with his new love still, the other happily together with his...dancing. He also still had Donghae - good friend, trying to hook him up with every cute guy and girl he saw - and a few female friends that tried to find him real happiness while they treated him as their gay best friend for life. He wasn’t particularly sure how to feel about that title - he was bi, not just gay - but it amused him how they all did their best to make him happy.

Relationships, however, didn’t seem to be his kind of thing. Judging from the way he stumbled from one failed lover to the next in the passing years he didn’t really know anymore whether he’d end up with a girl in the end or just completely alone. He was moving through his twenties way too fast to be comfortable and the way the big thirty doomed closer wasn’t helping him feel any better about his chances either. Especially not with all of his friends gathering together to plan a huge birthday party just to remind him how old thirty actually was.

And that’s probably where this story really starts, some twelve years after his first kiss with a guy. In a huge hall draped with birthday decorations and colours - way too many colours to be healthy, really - when he reached out to grab a glass of champagne to drink away his worries, but caught a hand instead, with long fingers that curled around his naturally as he turned around in surprise to see who he had grabbed hold of.

“Hello,” a smooth voice had told him, and it was a little like he heard someone speak for the first time. “You’re the birthday boy, right? Or well, I should say man.” It also was a little like speaking for the first time when he clumsily tried to shove some words out of his mouth that really never made it further than his throat.

“H-hi... yes... hello... hi!” He ended with a grin that was probably ninety percent stupid and ten percent retarded, before quickly letting go of the hand he was still holding.

“Thirty...” the woman in front of him continued and he dumbly nodded. “Quite the important age. How does it feel, leaving behind the twenties?” He sent her a smile, probably a little bitter but he didn’t really care. Becoming thirty should allow him to be bitter, right?

“Feels a little like my face is full of wrinkles and I’ll need a walking stick soon from the way people talk about it,” he replied then, making a mental note that he had finally remembered how to talk. She laughed at his words, a sound that sparkled and clattered like a waterfall, but she looked so serene while doing it that it was hard to imagine said waterfall along with it.

“My name’s Ahra,” she introduced herself then - finallly - and he managed a polite nod. “Friend of a friend.”

“Zhou Mi, but you probably knew that already.”

A nod, a smile and then she took hold of two champagne glasses, reaching one out to him. “I assume this is what we both were looking for when we accidentally grabbed hold of each other?” she inquired. He could do nothing but nod, taking the glass and immediately gulping down half of it, not caring what that might look like to her.

“Actually I was also looking for you,” she continued when he lowered his glass again, the words making him look up at her, the question obvious in his expression. “Heechul invited me,” she started explaining then and perhaps that’s when the alarm bells should’ve started ringing in his head, but they didn’t. “Said I should come by, that you’re a nice kid. He’s usually right with these things, you know?”

He nodded, because Heechul’s always right and the fact that he told someone that he - Zhou Mi - is a nice kid, well that’s worth emptying the other half of that champagne glass for. Which he did. She watched with a smile as he put the glass on some waiter’s empty tray and then let the silence carry on a moment longer before putting her own glass down.

“Would you do me a favour?”

Perhaps he should’ve said no, but he didn’t. Instead he said maybe and asked what the favour was. He’s still unsure whether it was a good decision to comply to her request in the end, but it’s useless to start doubting now, because he’s already sitting in the restaurant, waiting for his ‘blind’ date to show up. Kyuhyun, twenty-eight, Ahra’s younger brother. She’d been trying to hook him up with a date for years now, but everyone he met with got rejected.

She had finally decided then that maybe, possibly, her brother wasn’t into the pretty ladies, and after discussing that with Heechul, they apparently thought it a good idea to use him - just turned thirty and desperate to not end up alone in life - to figure out whether Ahra’s hunch was right or not. He doesn’t know whether to be flattered to think he’s made for the job or insulted that they’re only using him in their benefit.

He doesn’t get much time to ponder about that, however, as suddenly the chair across from him is pulled back and he looks up into a pair of chocolate brown eyes that remind him of Ahra’s. Eyebrows are raised in surprise upon seeing his face and Kyuhyun - at least he assumes this is Kyuhyun, he’s about 99,9 percent sure - suddenly snorts, reaching out a hand then to shake his in greeting.

“So noona finally found out, huh?” The question rolls out of the younger man’s mouth in gentle, warm syllables that wrap around Zhou Mi’s ears and make a smile appear on his face even without his approval. “I’m Kyuhyun, but I assume she told you that already. You must be the newest attempt at hooking me up with someone. You look a lot better than the previous ones, I have to admit. Perhaps a little on the skinny side, though. Do you eat?”

He stares. There’s no other way to say it, no way to make it sound less blunt and stupid and rude. He stares with his mouth slightly agape, a completely blank look in his eyes and Kyuhyun’s hand still reached out to him, untouched. He snaps out of it when Kyuhyun starts to retract his hand, quickly reaching out then to take hold of it and shake it.

“Mi,” he introduces himself, honestly surprised that he still remembers his own name. “Zhou Mi. I eat, yes, a lot actually, but don’t tell my female friends. They all think I found the secret to staying slim.” He grins at his own joke, fearing for a heartbeat that he’s saying stupid things, but then Kyuhyun is grinning too and he knows that this is just right. “And your noona didn’t find out yet. She’s just suspecting. In fact, she asked me to have dinner with you just once to see if it was really the case.”

“Well it is. I hope you don’t mind.” It’s said with such genuine concern that he almost wants to walk around the table to wrap Kyuhyun in a big hug and tell him that ‘of course not, like guys all you want, you’re perfect.’ But he doesn’t. In fact, he suddenly realises he’s still holding Kyuhyun’s hand so he let’s go and awkwardly pics up his empty glass. It takes several seconds for him to notice there’s nothing to get out of an empty glass, so he puts it back down awkwardly.

“No, I don’t mind,” he finally finds the words to say, looking up at Kyuhyun then to see the younger is already going over the menu. “What are you doing?” he asks, but regrets it immediately after when Kyuhyun looks up at him with a frown that almost screams ‘are you stupid?’ right in his face.

“I’m picking my dinner, if that’s okay with you?” he replies then, seeming confident as he starts, but then growing more insecure as he continues. “Or was this all just planned to see my reaction? Are we supposed to leave again now that you know?” Kyuhyun glances around the restaurant for a moment, before giving him another pointed look and so he hurries to shake his head.

“No, no, it’s fine. Let’s uhh... Let’s eat, yeah,” he agrees, nodding a little as he picks up his own menu, opening it randomly and staring intently at that page for a full minute before realising he’s holding the thing upside down. He tries to be cool about it as he turns it around, but Kyuhyun’s not really paying attention anyway and it’s not like half the restaurant is staring at his every move. At least he hopes they’re not, because that would be embarrassing.

It goes from there, a little rough around the edges at the start, but once they both happen to order pasta the topic starter is set and everything just rolls about after that. Kyuhyun is nice table company, having a million-and-one stories to tell about everything and nothing - people at work, some guy on the street, his own clumsiness - and it makes Zhou Mi feel comfortable around the other.

They end up ordering desserts too, and coffee after that, finding the time passes by too fast as the evening goes on. It’s midnight when they leave the restaurant, and even then only because they kind of got kicked out - in a nice way. It’s comfortable to just start on a stroll in the general direction of what he assumes is Kyuhyun’s house. Five blocks and an infinite amount of turns further he realises that maybe they’re not really going anywhere. He doesn’t particularly mind.

In the end they do end up on a doorstep, his own to be more precise, because it’s getting close to three and Kyuhyun actually has work in the morning. Zhou Mi suddenly remembers there’s something like life and other people and oh yes, that report he said he’d write after dinner. It’s not that important anyway, if he thinks about it a little more, so he invites Kyuhyun in for another drink - if he wants of course.

Kyuhyun refuses, but it’s done in such a way that it’s obvious he actually wants to accept. Zhou Mi fumbles with his keys as Kyuhyun for once is the one trying to form decent sentences. In the end they both fall silent, just standing there looking at each other. Zhou Mi admires the way Kyuhyun’s dark eyes reflect the light coming from inside his apartment building and then looks a little more down to admire the other’s lips.

“Let’s just kiss,” he decides is a good thing to say at that moment and Kyuhyun laughs, lips parting slightly, teeth flashing, so much happiness bundled into one sound. He doesn’t wait for an answer as he leans in and does exactly what he said should be done. It’s awkward. It actually feels a little like Kyuhyun has never kissed before. And suddenly Zhou Mi knows how Heechul felt all those years ago when he kissed Zhou Mi and Zhou Mi kissed back, no second thoughts.

They make it past the door somehow, and the hallway, and the staircase, mouths glued together as Kyuhyun goes up the stairs first because he’s just that tiny bit less tall than him. It’s only one floor and then he’s pulling away, looking down at his keys to figure out which one he needs. Kyuhyun panting next to his ear is kind of distracting, but he finds the one he needs anyway and safely manages to get them inside.

He takes off his shoes, hangs up his jacket and tries to think of something to say. His mind is blank, however, much like Kyuhyun’s apparently, because when he looks up they’re just standing there looking at each other, both silent and not moving. He thinks over the past evening, reminds himself that he’s only known Kyuhyun for what? Six hours, maybe seven? and he realises he doesn’t give a damn.

“You know...” Kyuhyun breaks the silence then, straightening up a little and giving him a more conscious look. “I really don’t want another drink.” He grins at that and it’s such a goofy expression that Zhou Mi laughs at it, only making Kyuhyun’s grin turn into a pout that is so adorable he wants to take a picture right at that moment so he can look at it whenever he feels bad.

He’s not exactly sure how but they’re soon pressed together again, starting from their lips before everything follows, and he has Kyuhyun up against the wall too at some point, but it doesn’t really matter, because it’s not like they notice anyway. By the time they reach his bed they’re still wearing all their clothes surprisingly, and he hesitates at the edge, wondering if it would be too much in one day to go there.

Kyuhyun makes the decision for him, sticking one foot behind his leg as he pulls at his collar and as he feels himself toppling over, he lets go of the last restraints and falls, careless and willing, all the way, even though Kyuhyun’s actually quite bad at kissing - or at least, he’s had better.

Wednesday, 31 August 2011

[FIC] Innuendos of time

Title: Innuendos of time
Characters: Undefined
Rating: PG
Wordcount: 919
Summary: I guess that was the breaking point. Or maybe we were never whole to begin with.
A/N: At certain occasions I brush through my files and find a file with a name I don't recognise. Very rarely it happens that when I open that file I open up a treasure, and this fic was much like that. Written when I had just come home from my holiday in July, based on personal experience and complete fantasy.

- - - - -

I came home one day to the sound of my world crashing down on me and I remember not having a single clue what was going on. It was then that I started becoming like this – so weak.

High school means a few years of trying to make it to the top of the people at the bottom of society. Some say the beggars and the ones without money are the bottom, but I firmly disagree. After all… What value does a high school student hold? What value do money and prestige have in the corrupt system of the judging high school kids?

It’s amusing sometimes, looking at how ridiculously happy people get when they receive the support and love of their family. How they are all so contented with the emotions of love shared in their family. And here I am having a father who loves me so much he would ruin – already has ruined - himself for his children yet I don’t even know how to look at him.

But there’s not much I can do about it, really. It’s his decision if he wants to pass out several times in a day because he drinks too much. His decision if he wants to forget things I told him five times and complain that he’s getting old, when really all he ever gets is drunk – every single day.

Sometimes you can see the world coming to a halt and you realise just what exactly it is that’s really important to you. That might have been one of those moments for me. I realised I had nothing left.

My family is not close to my heart. My family is some people who happen to live in the same house I do, thereby ruining any homey feeling it might have held for me. My family is tiny pieces of conversation amounting to nothing mixed with disappointment, disapproval and a constantly present one-sided desire to make everything more normal. But we were never normal and we will never be either.

We gave up our chance on normality when we secluded ourselves with our own computers, our own tiny islands of life away from each other. Each for our own personal reasons that made some sort of sense to us at the time. But I guess that was the breaking point. Or maybe we were never whole to begin with.

I came home one day to three words that shook me so thoroughly I have never been able to erase them from my mind after that and I remember crying more than I had in the past. I cried even more in the years that followed.

Growing up is not so much a process as it is a battle. Trying to figure out how to become older while still being young. Teenagers are the most misunderstood and misunderstanding people there are in the world, struggling to get somewhere, be grownup while still locked up in the box labelled ‘youth’.

We all struggle to become something we feel we can be proud of, something others are proud of. But what we really need is to be someone we can be, someone we are, no complications attached. Because there’s no use trying to be something you’re not, in the end you’ll always be yourself once things really start to matter, and if they didn’t know you were like that by then, people will leave. Maybe only a few, maybe a lot, but there will always be people leaving.

Life is treacherous to those who play it fair and kind on those who play foul. There’s no limits to dishonesty, no boundaries to the evil that people tend to commit for ‘the greater good’. And what are we? Mere ants in the vastness of it all. An insignificant bunch of crawling, disgusting things.

Sometimes it takes only one second to realise you love something more than yourself and that you’d do anything to protect it, but usually it’s already too late by then. I came home one day to a declaration that tore my soul apart.

They told me once that maybe I was blaming my father for everything that happened. Up to now I still wonder if I do. I don’t feel like I blame him for the past, I just blame him for being him. Does that make it any less pitiable or wrong? I guess not. It certainly doesn’t ease my will to leave this place forever.

If anything I can say that life is no box of chocolates anymore to me. I know exactly what I’ll get, every single day over and over again, a repetition of a ritual that I have grown out of years ago. I have long grown up. I decided I was an adult long before my body showed signs of that. With a mind that works at lightning speed, but only comes up with the things that hurt most.

The memories run clear when I open the window and the wind blows into my face. It’s a cold reminder of the things I should have done. I’ve always wanted to be someone big and people tell me that I still have a whole life in front of me to become so, but I feel like I should’ve started becoming a few years ago and that it’s way too late for me by now. Yet I still don’t give up on trying, like a brainless fool. Or maybe I’m just bad with endings.

“Your mother died.”

[FIC] The mirror paints her imperfections

Title: The mirror paints her imperfections
Characters: Undefined
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 783
Summary: Inside of her it's freezing and shivers and icicles fallen from the tips of leaves.
A/N: Written after reading a fic that had totally no relation to this topic whatsoever. I just felt like writing something new, a subject I haven't tackled yet before. I don't know if this is rash or confronting, but well, a view on eating disorders?

- - - - -

Inside of her it’s cold. Everything is freezing and shivers and icicles fallen from the tips of leaves, piercing through her heart and tearing at her insides. She vaguely remembers what it was like to feel warm, but she can only grab at that feeling, brushing her fingertips over the gentle heat, in a faded memory of what once was everything to her.

( “Goddammit! I’ve had enough! I can’t take this anymore, seeing you exert yourself so much day after day. You’re perfect enough, so stop trying to become better!”

She wants to say she knows, that of course she’s not perfect, she’s trying to be perfect for him, because he takes her as she is, all of her imperfections bundled together, and he deserves so much more, but all that comes out is a pathetic whimper as he pulls his arm out of her grip and walks away.
)

The sun shines peacefully, warming her skin as she sits on the cement balustrade of her balcony, staring at the cars that pass by more than occasionally. A shiver wrecks through her body, goosebumps carving relief into her skin as she tenses her muscles for a moment before relaxing again. She closes her eyes and blocks out the countless cars that keep rushing past. The sun moves to a higher point in the sky, shining brighter and warmer, but she doesn’t feel it, it doesn’t melt the ice just beneath her skin.

( “Why do you do this to yourself?”

The voice whispering those words sounds broken and she wants to cradle that face in her hands and ask what he means, because she’s not doing anything to anyone. But before the words can leave her mouth her eyes find his and he looks so incredibly sad that she doesn’t think she can lie to him like that.

“Please promise me you’ll stop.”

She smiles and nods, leaning into his touch and smothering her promise against his lips, knowing full well she won’t, can’t promise him something like that.
)

It’s nice to be outside. It’s been a long time since that happened last, these people trying to keep her inside when she actually wants to be outside and enjoy the nice summer weather. But lately nothing seems to satisfy her anymore, not even the brightly shining sun that draws prettily shaped patterns on the ground.

( “Look at yourself! Don’t you see?”

She nods because she does. She sees curves where things should be flat, flatness where there should be curves. She sees inaccuracies and the way she comes up short for what she wants to be. The mirror paints her imperfections. It makes her want to turn away, but his hands keep her in place and she smiles at his reflection in the mirror, grateful that he helps her see what’s wrong, that he helps her become a better person.
)

The last time she ate a grotesque meal like the ones you get in a restaurant probably is several weeks ago by now and it makes her feel proud of herself. She counts the calories she puts in her body like she counts sheep before sleeping, quick, effective, pragmatic and every day doing it over and over again. It gives her a sense of control, the way she can decide exactly how much she allows her body to have and it brushes away her insecurity like magic.

( “Do you know what you’re doing? One day this will kill you!”

She laughs at his silliness, at the way he still tries to toy with her, still tries to test her resolution by making it seem like she’s doing something bad.

“Silly.” she says with a chuckle, running her fingers through his hair and pressing a kiss on his lips. “I know perfectly well what I’m doing. I’m not letting it kill me.”
)

Her body trembles violently by now and she faintly wonders why it’s so cold, why no one else notices how the sun is not giving the same warmth as it used to anymore. She feels how her muscles tense up and relax at random, as if receiving small electric shocks at short intervals. It makes no sense to her that she can’t seem to control her limbs anymore as she topples over, falling to the balcony floor one metre below.

( “You look wonderful today.”

She forces a smile, takes the compliment even though she knows it’s a lie - something to make her feel better. He wraps his arms around her and it irks her how long his arms need to be to fit around her middle. She decides she has to change this.
)

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

[FIC] Memories

Title: Memories
Characters: Super Junior
Rating: R
Chaptercount: 24/26
Summary: Fifteen people try to find the memories they forgot - or maybe they're just looking for each other.
A/N: A fic written on a hunch. One day I thought; "Super Junior. And vampires. This calls for a fic!" and well.. Here we are? Memories is one of the stories that I'm proud of, despite its sometimes messy storyline. It's also a story that won't be fully understood until you've read it completely. Things will be very confusing as you read, but will also get explained in future chapters. Be warned.

- - - -

The silence lasted for a while, everyone trying to figure out on their own just how important the new information would be for them. It was obvious to all of them now that there was so much more behind the whole thing than they had initially thought. It wasn’t hard to imagine how much they would be affected by what they had just heard. Homin was capable of understanding that at least, so he turned to the only person who had remained completely still during the whole explanation – curtsey of his friend.

Surprisingly the thoughts coming from the unmoving form were very clear and not at all disconnected like he was used from his own victims. ‘Remember and move.’ he sent the silent order to the unmoving guy, ignoring the look Misun immediately sent him. He watched the eldest out of the group – aside from him – shift in place and then slowly sit up, but didn’t stay behind to see what happened next. Mere moments later he was out of the apartment door, hopefully without anyone noticing.

To his surprise, there was someone following after him and it wasn’t Misun. Instead, the until now rather silent Youngwoon came after him. A hand on his arm was the only thing keeping him from walking off just like that. When he turned around he looked into the dark eyes of one of the oldest members present.

The oldest of his newly created vampires, but also – he suddenly realised – the first in line when it came to heritage. Possibly this vampire had just gotten a power since Kyuhyun had killed Jimin. It took one look past the completely calm exterior to see the completely empty inside of the man. And suddenly Homin realised that he had indeed not heard a single thought coming from the strong man for a while.

“You’re not going anywhere.” Youngwoon spoke, his voice almost a whisper. “Not today and not any day.” The man smiled without emotion, making Homin feel like he was being overpowered. It was unnerving to not hear a single thought for the first time in years. In fact, it was unnerving to see all the people sharing his gifts gathered together.

Only one of them had to to figure out his weak spot and he’d be done for. What he needed was for them to learn how to use their gifts so that he’d be able to live on in peace. A sudden increase of pressure on his wrist made him go back to the present.

“I’m not going anywhere.” he replied, much more calm than he felt. “I’m just giving them some time. Shouldn’t you go inside as well? Your friend woke up with his memories.” He nodded with a smile at the door that had fallen closed behind them. Youngwoon looked back shortly, before turning to look at him again.

“I’m constantly seeing images in my head that are not things I can see. Therefore you will have to stay and explain it to me.” Youngwoon smiled that dangerously empty smile again.

“Why did you not tell the others? They were all honestly proclaiming their powers yet you kept quiet.” Homin immediately shot back, seizing the opportunity to corner the other. However Youngwoon remained unaffected by the accusation.

“Because it only just started happening. I thought it was the doing of one of them, but I guess not seeing how you respond to it.” The smile disappeared suddenly and Youngwoon turned around again to look at the door. His forehead creased in a frown before he sighed. “Heechul will never change, will he?” he muttered, but he obviously wasn’t angry – much.

“Youngwoon...” Homin started, immediately gaining the other’s attention. “No matter what your memories are of those you just saw in there, all that was over fifteen years ago. They need you now. Especially the one who just woke up; he’ll need you the most. And if you don’t help him, Kyuhyun will do more things he’ll regret. All of you, you belong together now even more than you used to in the past. I will help you guys if everyone allows me to, but first of all you need to help each other.”

The silence that fell between them was only interrupted by the rumble of people talking inside. Youngwoon was listening to the voices, but obviously also considering the things that had just been said to him. After a while, he suddenly nodded, taking a step towards the door.

“If you run, we will find you, don’t doubt that.” he stated as he reached for the handle. “And I’ll make sure it won’t be pretty.” With that, the eldest of vampires was left in a small hallway, discarded like a piece of trash.

☆.:**´¨`**:.☆

At the unspoken order, everything had blackened in front of Jungsoo’s eyes for a moment, before he felt his body sit up. His eyes opened almost automatically and he found himself looking at the people that were once his band members. None of them had noticed yet that he was awake, but that changed when he couldn’t stop the wave of regret washing through him. Immediately Jongwoon’s head whipped around and then everyone else looked as well.

The commotion that followed could best be described as fourteen guys having no clue what to say, but all talking anyway. Until Heechul suddenly started to move, walking over to Jungsoo and punching him without a warning. Several members gasped, some took a step forward in shock, but they all decided to stay out of it once Li Yin interfered.

“That one was for paralysing my girlfriend.” Heechul spoke calmly. “This one is for being such an idiot.” Instead of punching the other a second time, however, he pulled the nine days older male into a tight hug. “I missed that self-blaming look of yours, Jungsoo. It looks better on you than the arrogant grin you had before. Keep this expression for a while longer, okay? But do discard the feelings behind it. We need your leader brain right now. You couldn’t help it either. We’ll just find a way to work things out from where we are now. Leave the past be, none of us were in the right state of mind anyway.

Apparently that was a speech that settled Jungsoo’s feelings because he smiled lightly, although with a sad hint to it. The next moment he finally reached out to hug the other back. The tie that Jongwoon had held up depriving him of his emotions was obviously gone now. Everyone was so focused on the two eldest near the bed that they didn’t notice Youngwoon coming back in.

It wasn’t until said person suddenly called out Jongwoon’s name that all the heads turned again, right in time to see Jongwoon apparently had passed out in Youngwoon’s arms. Mere moments later Kyuhyun was standing next to them as well, having woken up the moment Jongwoon’s hold over him faltered. He took the unmoving body out of Youngwoon’s arms, stopping Misun with a mere word when she tried to get closer.

It was then that Youngwoon suddenly looked up and the moment his eyes found Jungsoo’s, the latter felt his body relax, a smile almost instantly appearing on his face. There was only a slight hesitance before Youngwoon smiled back and it was so familiar and comforting that he found it in himself to get up from the bed.

“Kyuhyun.” he said then, waiting for the vampire to look at him. He did after a moment, although obviously trying his best not to. Jungsoo merely smiled once their eyes met and opened his arms slightly, offering a hug. A split second long he feared the younger was going to get angry at him, but then the cold exterior broke and suddenly he was holding a half a head taller male, violently shaking in his arms.

“Ssh, it’s okay.” he muttered softly, patting the younger’s back and finding every bit of love he had in himself for the other. “It’s going to be okay.” Everyone else just looked at them, having no clue what was going on between the two o them. “It’s alright, Kyuhyun, it’s all okay.” They didn’t even seem to talk anymore after that as Kyuhyun just buried himself against his leader and Jungsoo merely held the other tightly.

It was only when the youngest of the two stopped trembling that Jungsoo looked up at the others, showing them a hesitant smile. “Hey guys.” he muttered, lifting one hand in greeting, the other still wrapped around Kyuhyun’s back. “It’s been a while.” He smiled a little wider then, his dimple showing as he let his eyes wander over his thirteen old friends and their three female companions. “I hope I didn’t cause too much problems?”

When those words left his mouth, Donghae suddenly stepped forward from behind the others, walking over to the eldest and wrapping his arms around both Kyuhyun and Jungsoo. It was a small gesture but they all knew how many emotions were behind it, the three of them clinging so close together and Donghae mumbling hushed reassurances to Kyuhyun. Jungsoo was slightly surprised, yet merely smiled a little wider then, happy to be accepted back in just like that.

☆.:**´¨`**:.☆

“What’s going on?” Hyukjae muttered to Sang Mi, who was still loyally standing on his left. “Why are they clinging together like that? What is the problem?” He tore his eyes away from the scene with some difficulty, looking up at the girl. “Why is the young kid crying, he seemed rather tough before?” The girl eyed him in surprise for a moment, before seeming to realise that his mindreading abilities had left him now that the danger was gone.

“I don’t know either, Hyukjae.” she replied just as softly, putting a hand on his shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze. He felt himself lean into the touch, Sang Mi being the only person he knew, the only person he was sure of. Everyone else in the room with him were strangers, even though he was pretty sure they wouldn’t harm him, it still felt uncomfortable.

“Kyuhyun killed people in the past.” a voice suddenly spoke up on their right and Hyukjae turned his head to see Youngwoon standing there. “When he wasn’t aware yet of his own power. He used to have a girlfriend before we were all changed. One day he saw her with her new husband, a really nice guy who was very good for her. He got jealous and said something stupid, the next moment the words came true, the man died. It had happened a few times before and it was that day that he realised the sudden deaths or injuries weren’t mere coincidence.”

Hyukjae stared at the bigger male, wondering how he knew so many things – how everyone knew so many things while he was so clueless. Youngwoon turned to look at him then and their eyes met for a moment. He suddenly felt as if this guy in front of him could see right through him, which wouldn’t really have surprised him, honestly.

“I see images of the past.” Youngwoon confessed then, voice low. “Apparently I got the ability when the woman died. Being the first she changed I inherited part of her powers.” He frowned, looking over to Jungsoo again shortly before sighing. “I don’t even want to know what will happen if Homin should ever die.”

“Will that thing die anyway?” Sang Mi hissed, her hatred for said person obvious. When the two guys looked at her in surprise at that, she blushed slightly. “What? I really don’t like him. He just used everyone as puppets for his own survival.” She motioned a hand at the group. “And look at all of you now, almost scared of each other. I don’t get how you’re not even angry at him!”

Those words had the two of them frowning, thinking over the reasons why they were – indeed – not the least bit angry. In fact, thinking it over it became more suspicious than it had already been and they looked at each other to see if they felt the same. Right then, someone on Sang Mi’s left leaned closer and Hyukjae looked in the guy’s direction. Hangeng was his name, if he remembered quite well.

“We all got our powers from him. He’s using the ability Li Yin has to keep us calm. He made us all decide to just not care about what he did. There’s nothing much we can do about that. Whenever we do get angry from now on, he will make us decide on calming down every time again.” Hangeng calmly explained. He didn’t seem quite bothered by the idea, but it made Hyukjae incredibly uncomfortable and Youngwoon seemed to get angry anyway.

“That little piece of..” he muttered, but suddenly his eyes hazed over and he seemed to be out of it for a split second before coming back to the present. “He doesn’t mean bad with us anymore, though.” he then altered his words, still seeming slightly dazed. “Damn these powers will take some getting used to. I keep seeing scenes in my mind that don’t even add up to anything. But Homin.. I think right now he’s trying to help us. I think he feels a little sorry. If only a little.”

“Well that’s just great.” Sang Mi huffed. “It’s just a little too late for that, though. That stupid idiot destroyed everyone’s lives and now he’s feeling sorry?” She snorted, shaking her head, but before she could say anything else, movement from the three hugging guys made them all look up for a moment to see if everything was still okay.

☆.:**´¨`**:.☆

Donghae finally let go of his dongsaeng when he was completely sure Kyuhyun had calmed down. The usually so snarky boy seemed to be completely different from his usual self and it worried him how he had noticed the actual tears on the other’s cheeks. But he knew whatever was going on was between the two of them, so he straightened up a little and sent Jungsoo another small smile. Right as the leader smiled back at him, Kyuhyun spoke up.

“I’m sorry, hyung.” he whispered barely audible. “I never meant to hurt you. My anger just got the best of me and then suddenly it happened and…” He stopped there, seeming unable to finish his sentence, as if he was afraid that the rest of his words would piss the other off. But that didn’t seem to be the case, instead Jungsoo smiled at him and patted his shoulder.

“It’s okay, Kyuhyun-ah.” he replied just as softly. “I know you didn’t intend to hurt me. There was no way you could know. Besides; I’m slightly stupid for falling in love with that anyway.” He smiled lightly, exchanging one more look with the maknae before turning away and looking at the other members. He was over at Youngwoon in no time, almost immediately wrapping the other in a hug and allowing himself to be hugged back.

Donghae watched as Hyukjae slowly moved away from the two, moving to a more secluded part of the living room so Jungsoo wouldn’t suddenly storm at him for a hug as well. It hurt him how Hyukjae was so clueless still of everything they had been through together. He tried to imagine what it would be like, seeing this group of people without knowing anything of the past years spent together in unity. Suddenly a dull feeling came over him and he quietly focused on the leader again, just like everyone else was doing at that moment.

Jungsoo let go of Youngwoon not long after, giving him another smile and a pat before turning to the next best person, Hangeng. There were words mumbled in between the hugging and with one member Jungsoo lingered a little longer than with the other. When he reached Jongwoon, the two merely nodded at each other at first, Jungsoo seeming hesitant, Jongwoon downright unwilling, but in the end the leader stepped closer and hugged the other man anyway.

It went on like that, Jungsoo going past Shindong, Ryeowook and Henry. Donghae noticed he suddenly became aware of Kibum moments later, the original maknae allowing Jungsoo to wrap him in a hug as well, patting him awkwardly on the back and muttering something that surprisingly none of them understood. It didn’t take long for Jungsoo to let go again and move on to the next person.

When he was done hugging everyone, Jungsoo looked around once and then finally walked up to Hyukjae, his smile ever so bright with a dimple showing and everything. Donghae felt happy seeing that, knowing how scared the leader had been to be accepted. But Jungsoo hadn’t counted on Hyukjae’s inability to remember. So when he went to Hyukjae with open arms, the younger backed away, a frown on his face.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know who you are.” Hyukjae explained and Donghae could see Jungsoo’s face fall, expression growing shocked, maybe even a little hurt. He quickly walked up to the two, putting a hand on Jungsoo’s shoulder.

“He doesn’t remember, hyung.” he said then, smiling lightly at Hyukjae who seemed rather lost. “Apparently the only way to make him remember was via his original sire, the one who changed him, but she… Yeah.” Jungsoo’s eyes looked at him then, before going back to Hyukjae, confusion obvious in his expression. Right as Donghae wanted to explain it better, the leader spoke up however.

“But I am the one who changed him.”